Rose's Blog
by cheri1
Summary: 10Rose Rose sometimes needs to document her thoughts and feelings about traveling with the Doctor, so she turns to her blog to help sort things out. Rated M in some chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Rose's Blog Entry Number 10…

_Me again, I'm currently sitting in the den on the TARDIS typing on my laptop. It's one of those rare moments of peace and quiet and I'm taking the opportunity to get my thoughts down and sort through some of my feelings regarding my life as the Doctor's companion. I've been traveling with him for a little over a year and a half now and although I've accepted this regeneration and have even grown to love it, there are still some things I still have to get used to. Like the other day when I happened to walk in on the Doctor as he was filming an entry for his Vlog (Didn't even know the man kept a Vlog, go figure.) Anyway, I was coming into the console room and…_

"I just can't believe it! When will the discrimination end?"

Rose froze in her tracks. She was just coming into the console room to retrieve the book she was reading and the Doctor was sitting on the captain's chair, yelling angrily at the top of his lungs. She stared at him, confused, and then quietly made her way over to him.

"In this day and age, how can humans still be so ignorant? It boggles my mind and few things boggle my mind, let me tell…"

He paused when he heard the seat squeak and noticed Rose was sitting beside him.

"What are you doing?" Rose asked him.

"Um, I'm recording my thoughts for posterity," he said gesturing to the console. "I've done this for centuries now, it helps me to vent and it leaves a record for future incarnations. What are you doing?"

"I was coming in here to get my book. It was here on the seat."

"Oh, I put it underneath my legs," the Doctor said gesturing down. "I took a nap earlier and wanted to stretch out."

Rose looked down and grabbed her book. She leaned back up and put it in her lap while she stared at the Doctor quietly.

"Did you need something else?" the Doctor said.

"No, I just want to listen to you vent," Rose said.

The Doctor shrugged. Rose settled back in the seat while he turned his attention back to the console.

"Anyway, as I was saying this whole discrimination thing needs to stop! It's completely unfair, especially since I'm nothing like the inhuman monsters the humans make aliens out to be! I am a sweet, lovable, cuddly guy. I'm not the bleedin' thing from Alien or the Predator monster. I do not lay eggs in people's stomachs or hunt humans with big guns for sport! Why is it when humans decide to show aliens in a positive light, they always make them look like a huge turd with big eyes and a long giraffe neck? I am, of course, referring to E.T., the alien, who I might add, is dumber than a truckload of bleedin' rocks. I mean, come on, E.T. supposedly comes from an advanced civilization, and the moment he's stranded on Earth, he turns into a complete moron. Most aliens I know have translators to help them communicate with other species, so they don't have to learn the language from scratch. E.T.'s lack of a translation device on his person is just poor planning, if you ask me. And when he finally does learn the language, all he can do is say "Ouch" or "Be good" or "I'll be right here." Why didn't the little wanker learn how to say, "Hey kid, stop feeding me Reese's Pieces and help me get my big, brown ass off your planet!" I'm sorry, but when you are in a life or death situation with government goons breathing down your neck and they are threatening to split you from neck to navel, E.T. phone home is not going to get you anywhere!"

Rose stared at him, shocked, wondering why the hell he was ranting on about E.T., but the Doctor was oblivious to her now that he was caught up in his tirade.

"Of course, if E.T.'s people had bothered to scan for life signs before they waddled their asses out of their mothership, the whole problem would never have occurred in the first place. And naturally, it took a human child, A CHILD, MIND YOU, to save E.T.'s butt. Because that's how humans view themselves. Oh, these aliens are so retarded they need a child to help them out, because everyone knows human children are smarter than aliens!"

"But, Doctor, Elliot wasn't smarter than E.T.; I mean E.T. is the one who built the satellite that contacted his people." Rose said.

The Doctor looked at her.

"Uh huh, and I noticed this supposedly sophisticated satellite was made out of an umbrella, a saw blade, a coffee can and a Speak and Spell among other things. What was E.T. then, the alien MacGyver? And if he was so smart, why did the dumb git let a little girl put dresses on him like he was some gigantic bloody doll? You never see me doing that kind of thing, do you, Rose?"

"Well…no…"

"Well then," the Doctor said turning his attention back to the console.

"Doctor, why are you going on about this in the first place? E.T. was just a movie!"

"Ah, but Rose, movies are powerful tools that can influence people's thinking. Which bring me around to my initial point of alienism among Earthlings."

Rose frowned.

"Come again?" she said.

"Alienism, Rose, you know racism, sexism, alienism. Earthlings are prejudiced against aliens. All you lot think we do is sit around in our huge motherships and make plans to conquer the Earth and enslave the humans, or kill them or hunt them or eat them or stick long metal rods up their arses for some scientific purpose. I do none of these things. Not a one! I have never enslaved a human, hunted them, ate them, or stuck a metal rod up their bum. Now granted I have killed a couple of people in the past, but that was in self-defense because they were threatening to kill me! I do not sit here in the TARDIS, laughing evilly while I destroy entire cities with the push of a button. But, if you look at the movies that have been made over the years, all the fifties sci-fi movies, Independence Day, Men in Black, Alien, Predator, War of the Worlds, movies like that always make aliens out to be the bad guys. They almost never show an alien helping humanity and if they do, there's usually some sinister ulterior motive to it. I am sick and tired of being discriminated against by the very people I protect! It hurts, Rose, knowing that humans are brainwashed to think like this and the attacks by the Slitheen and the Sycorax don't help matters either. They are an exception; most aliens aren't out to conquer the Earth."

"Doctor, why are you so upset? I mean, yeah, I get your point, but who cares what humans think?"

"Because, Rose, if humans are raised to subconsciously fear aliens, the only solution they can think of if one lands is to either shoot or dissect them, because in a human's mind, the only reason an alien could possibly have for landing on Earth is because they want to destroy it. Like E.T. E.T. was an idiot, but at least he wasn't on Earth to conquer the human race, but the government got after him anyway, because he's an alien and the next thing you know they were freaking out and quarantining the house because he might contain some sort of virus or something that might wipe out all humanity. And then he ends up dying and instead of burying him which would have been the decent thing to do, they decided to throw him in the freezer so they can go poking around in his innards later on. Do you realize that when I watch those kinds of films, it doesn't take that much of a stretch of the imagination for me to imagine myself in E.T.'s place? That's why when we're on Earth, I'm very careful about what I tell people, because Rassilon forbid, I let it slip I'm an alien to the wrong person and the next thing I know, I'm tied to a table in a big, white room with probes jammed in every orifice and a big saw blade being lowered towards my gut."

"And this is what you save for posterity. Stuff like this," Rose said gesturing to the console.

"Yes, because I need to vent."

"Yeah, but do you need to film it? I mean, when you said that, I figured it would be deep thoughts, not going on and on about E. bloody T. You really think your future selves are gonna care?"

The Doctor considered that for a moment.

"Well, I would like to think they would, but I'm sure they won't. To be honest, I haven't looked at my past incarnation's entries either." The Doctor replied. "But, I guess if I'm recording it, at least I feel like someone is listening to what I have to say, even if it is just me."

"Well, why not come, and vent to me if you need to get something off your chest."

Rose instantly regretted saying that when he saw the big grin on the Doctor's face.

"Really? You'll listen to me when I need to get things out in the open?" he said delighted.

Rose stared at the Doctor's face. She stared at the huge smile and looked at the love in his eyes and realized that perhaps he had picked up on all the times she had tuned him out when he rambled on and on about nothing. She felt guilty doing that now, since it seemed to mean so much having someone who would listen and sympathize with him. And she honestly did listen to him if he was talking about deep and important things like Gallifrey or the loss of his people. Then she was totally there for him and supported him in every way.

But then there the times he would ramble on about things like how annoying it was to have to peel a banana before eating it when he just wanted to pop it in his mouth and why didn't someone come up with a skinless banana so his life would be easier, those were the times that she tuned him out. In the back of her mind, she could sense he knew she wasn't listening, even though she tried to pretend she was, but he never said anything about it until now. He would just go on and on with whatever topic he happened to be stuck on at that moment. Maybe he figured at least she was present in the room so there was some kind of sounding board for him. But the way that he looked at her, the smile on his face when she said she would listen to him next time he needed to vent, the look in his eyes made her heart melt and she knew she couldn't take back her words even though it meant he would be talking her ear off from here on out.

"Yes, anytime you need to rant, just come and find me and I'll be your shoulder to cry on," she replied.

She gasped when he seized her and gathered her into a tight hug.

"Thank you, Rose," he said simply.

Rose sighed and closed her eyes loving the feel of his body against hers.

"You're welcome, Doctor," she murmured.

_So, that happened about a week ago and so far the Doctor hasn't found anything to vent about. I'm wondering if maybe he forgot about it now. Things do tend to slip his mind from time to time especially if they aren't important things and fjoteho_

Rose jumped when she heard something slam down beside the laptop and her fingers slipped putting a gibberish word on the screen. She looked at what had caused the noise, saw an open jar of pickles sitting by her laptop and standing right beside the table was a very incensed Doctor.

"Rose, I am getting so sick and tired of them cramming so many gherkins in the jar that you can't even pull one out," he said jabbing his finger at the jar. "The whole phrase, crammed in like sardines, should be changed to, crammed in like gherkins. That would be more accurate. And why do they feel the need to fill the gherkin juice up to the top so it spills on me when I open it? Not to mention I have to get gherkin juice on my fingers whenever I reach in to get a gherkin. Why do they do this, Rose?"

Rose glanced up at the Doctor who had his hands on his hips waiting for a response. She quickly backspaced over the gibberish word, hit enter twice and wrote,

_On second though I had better finish this later. I have a feeling I'm in for a long rant about gherkins._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Rose's Blog Entry No. 14…

_Me again, just checking in for my daily rant session and boy do I have a doozy for today. The Doctor and I recently visited Freazon Twelve and while we were there, I found a little puffball creature. It's called a Zeebot and man, I am so sorry I ever looked its way because having it in the TARDIS has been a nightmare. It all started when the Doctor and I decided to explore…_

"Come on, slowpoke, keep up," the Doctor chided as he and Rose hiked through the dense forest. "We're on a tight schedule!"

Rose raised her eyebrow.

"We are? What are we doing and why is it so urgent?" she asked.

The Doctor looked behind him and grinned.

"We're not doing anything urgent; I've just always wanted to say that. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a high powered CEO in charge of a large company and you're my harried, underpaid executive assistant that I constantly harass to get work done on time while I go out and dine with other CEO's and relax with them and play golf and get paid for it."

"This is your little fantasy life, eh?"

"Weeell, I just like to imagine what it's like to have a life filled with schedules and meetings and power lunches and no leisure time at all and then after I get done imagining it, I thank Rassilon I'm me and I don't have to do those things in real life."

"Wow! That just sounds incredibly boring," Rose muttered. "And I'm your secretary then?"

"I prefer the term executive assistant, sounds more business-like, but yes, you are."

"Hurray for me," Rose muttered.

"Yes, you are Miss Fortesque, my loyal, but overworked executive assistant and I am Mister Bananabottom, owner of Banana Daiquiri Delights, a successful Fortune 500 company that specializes in making delicious Banana Daiquiris that come in a multitude of flavor combinations and are extremely popular. I, of course, was a rags to riches success story having grown up on a small dairy in Dorset and spent my formative years getting up at the crack of dawn to milk the cows and shovel their dung into a cart to be used as fertilizer. That's where I developed my strong work ethic that I used later in life to become the banana daiquiri king of Great Britain."

Rose was stunned.

"Wow, that's a very detailed fantasy life you have there," she said.

"Well, I don't sleep very much so I have to have something to pass the time while you humans snooze your lives away." He said looking back at her. "Anyway, I have managed to buy up several little Banana Daiquiri companies and put them out of business, so my competition is practically nil now. Of course, that means sales are through the roof so I can bring home a fat paycheck to my wife, Beryl, and our little girl, Amanda, and we have an extremely lavish lifestyle with mansions and cars and a huge swimming pool and Jacuzzi. But, unfortunately, I am trapped in an unhappy marriage with a wife who mentally and emotionally abuses me, so in order to compensate for that, I'm forced to keep you as my mistress and we have this whole secret office romance, but we must keep it under wraps, because if it got out that I was shagging you, it would be a major scandal and I would lose business and be forced to fire you and you would end up out on the street, homeless and desperate and forced to sell your body for liquor money. I, of course, would never do that to you since you are a loyal employee, so I'm careful to keep my mouth shut around my nosy employees lest word leaks out to the tabloids that a huge and important mover and shaker of the business world is bedding his underling."

"Gee, how big of you," Rose muttered.

"Yup, I have it all figured out. I call Beryl and tell her that I have to work late and then we go home to your squalid apartment and have meaningless sex all night on your dingy flea infested floor."

"Doctor."

He looked at her.

"Yeah?"

"You've been watching the soap operas again, haven't you?"

The Doctor widened his eyes.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Yes, very obvious."

The Doctor shrugged.

"Like I said, I need to pass the time while you humans sleep. Those soap operas can be very addicting."

"Tell me about it."

"Would you like to hear the back-story I thought up for you? About your life of poverty and prostitution before you turned your life around and went to university?"

"No thanks, Doctor, I think I can fill in the blanks on my own," Rose muttered.

The Doctor shrugged.

"Well, if you ever wanna know how you got away from your abusive pimp and went back to school and became an assistant to the most powerful CEO in Britain, tell me and I'll be happy to fill you in."

"I'll be sure to put that on my to-do list," Rose muttered under her breath.

"What was that, Rose?"

"I said I'll keep that in mind."

"Good, because it really is an interesting and heart wrenching tale, your mother died giving birth to you and your father was forced to become a mime so he could put food on the table."

"Um, Doctor?"

"Yes, Rose?"

"You ever consider trying not to live inside your head so much?"

The Doctor stared at her wide-eyed.

"I don't live inside my head. I live inside the TARDIS, haven't you noticed, you silly girl?"

He giggled as Rose slapped him on the back.

They hiked on, the Doctor pointing out different sights and keeping a running monologue going about the wonders of Freazon Twelve. Rose heard just enough to be able to answer him if he asked her a question, but for the most part, she was lost in her own little world, staring at the gorgeous scenery around them.

Then as they rounded a bend, Rose saw it. A cute little ball of brown fur resting on a tree trunk. The Doctor went right past it, seemly oblivious to it, but Rose just had to stop. The little creature was just too adorable to pass up. She bent over and stared at it as it stared back at her with its round black eyes.

"Hey, little one, Whatcha doin'?" she said to it.

"I'm showing you around the woods, Rose," the Doctor said turning around. "What do you think I've been do---oh, you aren't even talking to me."

He walked over to her wondering what she was looking at. His eyes widened in terror when he saw it.

"Rose," he said jerking her arm. "Let's move on."

"Oi, wait a moment, I'm just getting a look at it," Rose said incensed.

"Okay, you've had a look, now let's get out of here before it follows us!"

Rose stared at him in confusion.

"Why? What is it?"

"A Zeebot, one of the most annoying creatures in the universe."

Rose was taken aback. She looked down at the little brown puffball sitting quietly on the tree trunk and looked at the Doctor.

"This little guy is the most annoying thing in the universe?" she said to him. "Even more annoying than the Daleks or the Slitheen or the Cybermen?"

"Yes, it outranks them all on the most annoying things in the universe list. Now come along, before the fuzzy terror decides to follow us!"

Rose stared down at the little brown powder puff with the round black eyes and the small brown snout with the cute little black button nose on the end of it. This little cutie was more annoying than Daleks? What could possibly be so annoying about it? Ignoring the Doctor, she jerked her arm out of his grasp and stroked its fur. The Doctor sighed angrily, muttering to himself about how he wished just once he could find a companion that would actually listen to him while Rose spoke softly to the Zeebot. She put her hand underneath it and smiled when the Zeebot walked into her hand. She pulled her hand away from the tree and stroked it while it rested quietly and stared up at her with its obsidian eyes.

"Rose, I'm warning you, those things are nothing but trouble," the Doctor said to her.

He sighed when Rose ignored him completely and stroked the little puffball.

"Fine, you wanna learn the hard way, be my guest," he muttered walking off.

Rose looked up when she noticed he was going. She started to put the Zeebot back on the trunk, but thought better of it. It was just resting in her hand, it wasn't being annoying at all. Rose rolled her eyes. The Doctor was probably exaggerating as usual. Stroking her little friend, she hurried off after the Doctor.

The Doctor looked around at her when she caught up to him and sighed angrily when he noticed the Zeebot was still in her hand.

"You are gonna regret not listening to me, Rose, I'm tellin' ya," he said.

"Oh, come on, Doctor. This Zeebot is just sitting here in my hand not bothering anyone. It hasn't made a sound since we found it, it's just a cute little guy with little black eyes and a nose and…"

She held her hand up and looked at its feet.

"Are those suction cups?" she said.

"Yes, its feet are like suction cups, that's what allows it to climb up things," the Doctor said angrily. "And trust me, Rose, it loves to climb and get into things. It may look all cute and cuddly, but it's a handful. If I were you, I would put it on the nearest tree trunk and leave it there."

Rose sighed.

"All right, I'm leaving it," she said.

"Thank you."

She held her hand up to a nearby tree trunk and stared down at the Zeebot.

"Sorry, little guy, I have to leave you here. The Doctor doesn't want you aboard the TARDIS."

He heart melted when the Zeebot stared up at her with its round black eyes. When it wouldn't budge, she put it down next to the tree trunk and walked over to the Doctor.

"Thank you," the Doctor said smiling at her.

Rose shrugged.

"Still don't understand what's so annoying about it," she said. "It looks so innocent."

"Looks can be deceiving, Rose. That Zeebot may look tame, but it's a holy terror when it gets going. Trust me, you made the right decision. Now let's get going."

Rose took his hand and walked away with him. The Zeebot watched them walk away for a moment and then making up its little mind, it began to roll after its new owner.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

After a couple of hours, the Doctor and Rose finished their hike back at the TARDIS. Rose was so glad to see it, she was exhausted, and she was looking forward to lying down and taking a nap. She waited while the Doctor unlocked the door and then the two of them went inside.

As they walked towards the console, they failed to see a little brown puffball roll inside the door. The Zeebot stopped rolling and stared at them intently from the ramp wondering what this strange place was. Rose walked out of the console room while the Doctor used the lever on the console to shut the door behind him. He followed Rose out of the room unaware that the Zeebot was now making its way towards one of the support columns.

The Doctor relieved himself in the bathroom and headed back to the console room while Rose got ready to jump in the shower. He walked into the room unaware that the little visitor was now nestled halfway up the support column watching him intently. The Doctor piloted the TARDIS into the vortex and slumped down on the captain's chair while he tried to figure out where to go next. He drummed his fingers on the back of the chair while he racked his brain for possible destinations.

"Now, let's see," he muttered to himself. "Where would be a good place to take Rose? Hmmm, the crystal caves of Tamerlania, the rainbow gorge on Ortok Minor, or perhaps…"

"AAAAAH!"

The Doctor's hearts nearly jumped out of his chest when he heard a high-pitched scream. He gripped the back of the captain's chair looking all around for the source of the noise. His eyes settled on the Zeebot and he cursed loudly.

"Rose Tyler, I thought I told you to leave the Zeebot behind," he yelled out.

"AAAAAH!"

The Doctor gritted his teeth, jumped up from the chair and ran over to the support column.

"Come 'ere, you little menace." He snarled.

He cursed when the Zeebot quickly scrambled up the support column out of arm's reach.

"Damn it," he said.

"AAAAAH!"

The Doctor sighed and shook his head. He watched helplessly as the Zeebot reached the ceiling and began to walk upside down across it.

"Doctor," Rose said coming into the room. "What the hell is that racket?"

The Doctor rounded on her.

"I thought I told you to leave the Zeebot behind," he said angrily.

"I did!"

"AAAAAH!"

Rose gasped and nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard the scream. She looked up and noticed the Zeebot was making its way across the ceiling. She looked back at the Doctor who had his arms folded over his chest.

"I swear, Doctor, I didn't bring it in here," she said. "I left it by that tree!"

"Well, it followed you then," the Doctor said. "I told you not to fool around with it and now-"

"AAAAAH!"

Rose and the Doctor gritted their teeth.

"Why is it screaming?" Rose said.

"That, Miss Tyler, is its mating call. The thing must be in heat."

Rose stared up at it.

"It screams when it's in heat?" she said.

"Yes, there isn't that many Zeebots since they mate every couple of years and their individual territories are huge, so in order for the female Zeebots to breed, they have to scream at the top of their lungs to attract a mate."

"AAAAAH!"

"Just like that," the Doctor said pointing up.

The Doctor put his hands on his hips and gave Rose a pointed look. She sighed.

"Alright, I'm beginning to see what you mean about them being annoying," she said.

Suddenly, a waterfall of feces rained down from the ceiling directly onto the Doctor's head. He let out a scream of surprise and rage and ran for cover as Rose darted out of the way.

"You little menace!" the Doctor bellowed as he shook his fist at it.

"AAAAAH!"

"You're gonna think aaaugh when I get done stomping you into the ground!" the Doctor screamed.

He glared at Rose.

"Keep an eye on that thing, I need to go take a bloody shower now," he said to her.

He looked back up at the ceiling.

"And when I get done showering, I am taking you straight back to Freazon Twelve and I'm dropkicking you out the door!"

"AAAAAH!"

The Doctor sighed and threw up his hands. Muttering, he walked out of the room. Rose watched him go wishing she had listened to him when suddenly she heard something else hitting the floor. She turned her head around and groaned when she saw a yellow stream of pee falling onto the tiny mound of poo.

"Oh perfect," Rose muttered.

Sighing, she started to walk out of the room to get something to clean the mess. She hesitated a moment and stared up at the Zeebot who was now resting quietly. The Doctor had told her to stay put and keep an eye on it, but she wanted to clean the mess up and she figured it wouldn't get far with her tiny suction cup feet.

"I'll just be a second," she muttered to herself. "I just need to get some stuff from the supply closet and I'll be right back."

She turned and quickly hurried out of the room.

The Zeebot watched her go. It recognized her as the tall thing that had been nice to her. Where was she going? Curious, she detached herself from the ceiling, fell to the floor next to her mess, and rolled out of the console room in search of Rose.

Rose returned a few minutes later dragging a mop bucket behind her and holding a mop, broom, and dustpan in one hand.

"Okay, let's get your mess cleaned up," she said looking up.

She frowned when she couldn't see it. Laying the cleaning supplies on the floor, she walked around in a circle scanning the ceiling trying to find the Zeebot.

"Where the hell did she go?" she muttered.

The Zeebot rolled down the corridor. This certainly was a strange forest. She had never seen anything like it. She wondered if there were any mates in here for her. She had called to them, but so far there had been no response. She hoped she could find the tall thing so at least she could be safe from the huge Tsikle cats that stalked her and her kind.

She paused outside a door that was slightly ajar and listened. She heard a voice coming from the other side of it. Wondering if it was the tall thing, she walked over, nudged the door with her nose, and walked inside.

"Damn it, stupid bloody Zeebot, I told Rose not to mess with it," the Doctor muttered as he stood in the bathtub showering the feces off him.

He reached down and grabbed the bottle of shampoo.

"Now we have to go get a ladder and get that thing down and then get it back to Freazon Twelve and this time it's gonna stay there even if I have to glue its suction cup feet to the bleedin' tree trunk!"

He continued to talk to himself as he lathered the shampoo into his hair.

"I tell her, I tell her all the time not to do something and does she listen to me? Nooooo, she just thinks she knows more than I do even though I'm the one who's been time travelin' for seven hundred bleedin' years! If I didn't care for her so much, I'd boot her arse out the door like that git, Adam. Now instead of going somewhere fun, we have to spend hours chasing that thing down and cleaning up its mess. And once we get the little menace back to its planet, I am going to make damn sure Rose Tyler is by my side at all times so I can keep an eye on what she's doing!"

He sighed angrily as he stepped under the water. He closed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair getting the lather out. The hot water soothed him and he felt some of the anger draining away.

"On the other hand," he murmured to himself. "Rose didn't mean anything by it. She did put it down, It's not her fault it tagged along behind. I'm just blowing things out of proportion. It's a minor problem after all. It's not like we have a Yeti running loose in the TARDIS. We'll get it down, get it back to its planet, and go on our merry way, problem solved. I…"

He frowned. He had been so caught up in his rant that he didn't realize until now that there was something going up his back. He opened his eyes and looked around trying to figure out what was going on.

"What is going…"

"AAAAAH!"

The Doctor gasped and nearly slipped on the wet porcelain.

"ROSE!" he screamed." ROSE, THE SODDING THING IS ON MY BACK! I TOLD YOU TO KEEP AN EYE ON IT!"

He waved his arms around trying to get it off his back. He spun around trying everything he could think of to dislodge it.

"Get off me, you furry menace!" he yelled. "ROSE!"

He gasped when he felt it run up the back of his neck into his hair. He reached up to grab hold of it and screamed with rage as the Zeebot dumped another load of feces into his newly washed hair.

Rose flung open the door and sprinted over to the bathtub, wincing as she listened to the Doctor screaming curses at the top of his lungs. She flung open the shower curtain and stepped back when she got a good look at the Doctor. He was standing there naked and wet as feces ran in brown rivulets down his face and body. Meanwhile, the drenched Zeebot sat quietly in his feces and lather-laden hair staring intently at Rose with its little black eyes.

"Get…this…thing….off…me…before…I…kill…it!" the Doctor snarled.

Rose reached up and grabbed the wet Zeebot. She lifted it off his head and muttered a quick apology as the Doctor grabbed the shower curtain and jerked it back. Rose quickly hurried out of the room and shut the door as the Doctor started in on his second shower of the day.

_Well, needless to say, the Doctor hauled ass back to Freazon Twelve and dumped the Zeebot off about a half mile from the TARDIS. Then, he ran for his life, sprinted inside and we took off in record time. I have to tell you that I have definitely learned my lesson after all this. Just because something is cute and fuzzy doesn't mean it can't drive you crazy and be a right pain in the butt. I definitely will listen to the Doctor next time he tells me to ignore a creature and..._

"ROSE!"

Rose winced when she heard the Doctor screaming at her. Wondering what she did wrong, she looked up as the Doctor started to run past the den door, saw her and stomped inside with a furious look on his face. He walked over to the couch and grabbed her hand.

"Come with me please," he said in a terse voice. "I want to show you something."

Rose wasn't too sure she wanted to see what this something was, but she didn't dare disobey when the Doctor looked so furious. Meekly, she stood and let him lead her out of the room.

"Rose, remember when I was on Freazon Twelve yesterday and I told you to keep the door closed while I was putting that Zeebot back?" he asked her as he led her down the corridor.

"Yeah,"

The Doctor looked back at her.

"Did you obey me?" he asked.

Rose gulped.

"Um, mostly, I did open it for a moment when you didn't get back right away. I was just checking to see if you were back yet."

"I see," the Doctor said tersely. "Well, I want you to know that while you were holding the door open searching for me, a very pregnant Zeebot wandered in unnoticed, walked under the ramp, and gave birth there. Congratulations, Rose, you and I are now the proud godparents of a brood of Zeebots."

He stopped and looked at her.

"I also want you to know that since Zeebots only mate every few years, they have to give birth to many, many babies to compensate for that. So congratulations, Rose, we are now the proud godparents of thirty bouncing baby puffballs. They're all over the console room now, wanna see em?"

Rose's face drained of all color.

"Thi…thirty?" she choked out.

"Ooooh yes, thirty," the Doctor said. "You should see the console room floor now, Rose; it's a pretty shade of brown from all the poo, come see."

Rose groaned as the Doctor dragged her down the corridor.

_Um, me again, I'm doing this quick entry to say that it might take me awhile to update since the Doctor and I are running all over the TARDIS rounding up Zeebots and cleaning up their shite. My next entry will happen as soon as I can get to…_

"ROSE! GET IN HERE AND HELP ME GET THESE LITTLE MONSTERS OFF THE CEILING, THEY ARE CRAPPING ALL OVER MY CONSOLE!"

Rose sighed and closed the laptop.

"COMING, DOCTOR, I'M COMING!" she yelled as she hurried out of the den.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Rose's Blog Entry No. 24…

_Me again, back in the good old TARDIS. Both the Doctor and I are having a rest after being held against our will yet again. This time however there was a slight twist to it. A very odd twist. And now I can honestly say that I've seen almost everything now. _

_It all started yesterday morning. The Doctor and I were going through the vortex as usual, sitting on the captain's chair, minding our own business, trying to figure out where to go when…_

The Doctor and Rose gasped when the TARDIS jerked violently and the console went haywire. He leapt from the seat and stared at the monitor.

"Oh, no, no, no," he said.

"What? What is it?"

"We're caught in a tractor beam!" the Doctor said working the controls like a madman.

Rose groaned.

"Crap, shoulda known this nice, quiet day wouldn't last," she muttered.

She leapt from the chair when the Doctor started yelling directions at her. She started pushing buttons with him praying they could break free of the tractor beam. But, it was no use. The TARDIS slammed down onto the ground with such force that the Doctor and Rose were knocked off their feet. Both of them cursed as they slowly got up. Then suddenly the TARDIS tilted sideways and they were thrown off their feet again.

"What's going on?" Rose said.

The Doctor wrapped his arm around the railing as Rose gripped the seat.

"My guess is the TARDIS is being carried somewhere," he said.

He managed to get over to the captain's chair and both of them held on to it while the TARDIS was being carried. Finally the TARDIS was sat back down and the console room no longer tilted. The Doctor and Rose looked at each other and looked over at the front door. Rose sighed.

"I s'pose we have to go out and face whatever is out there," she said.

"Yup."

"Well, let's get to it then," she said.

They stood up and took each other's hands. The Doctor led her to the door, paused and then slowly opened it. He peeked his head out.

Suddenly, Rose let out a scream as a metal hand seized him around the throat and dragged him out the door.

"Doctor!"

Rose gasped as the doors were flung open and a robot came inside after her.

"Run, Rose!" the Doctor yelled.

Rose ran back up the ramp, but the robot was too fast for her. He quickly seized her around the middle and pulled her kicking and screaming from the ship.

"Let me go, you metal git," she yelled.

The robot turned and Rose could see another robot was holding the Doctor tightly around his middle.

"Don't struggle, Rose, there's no telling what they might do," the Doctor said to her.

Rose nodded and calmed down. The Doctor sighed.

"I suppose you are going to take us to your leader now?" he asked the robots.

"You will come with us, Reginald wishes to see you," the robot said in a metallic voice.

The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"Yup, figured as much," he muttered.

He gasped as the robot let go and seized his arm roughly.

"Oi, gently, I'll come along quietly," he said angrily.

The other robot let go and seized Rose by her arm. The Doctor let out an angry sigh as they were led out of the room.

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"I swear to Rassilon if you don't stop jerking my arm," the Doctor muttered as they opened a door and pulled them inside.

Both captives looked around in shock. The room was large and painted a bright red with black trimming and black carpet. There was a desk at the far end of the room with two chairs in front of it. But what shocked Rose and the Doctor was the entire room was filled with toys.

"Someone compensating for a lost childhood?" the Doctor muttered.

He let out an angry yell when he and Rose were jerked over to the chairs and shoved down into them.

"You will sit here until Reginald arrives," the Doctor's robot said. "If you try to leave, you will be destroyed."

"Fine, fine, just get him in here so we can get this over with," the Doctor said.

The robots turned and left the room as the Doctor sighed and looked at Rose.

"Hope you didn't have any plans for this afternoon," he said to her.

They heard the door opening and turned expecting the robots to be back. Instead they were surprised when a young boy entered the room and closed the door behind him. He looked like he was about nine years old with short sandy blonde hair and light green eyes. He was wearing a brown suit that resembled the Doctor's. He strode over to the desk with a confident air and sat down in front of them.

"Doctor," the boy said nodding to him.

The Doctor frowned.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" he asked.

"Reginald Dortshire the third," he said proudly.

"You are Reginald?" the Doctor replied.

"Yes, I am. It is nice to meet you, Doctor. I know all about you,"

He looked at Rose.

"I don't know anything about you though. Who are you?"

Rose raised her chin.

"I'm Rose Tyler," she said.

Reginald looked her over for a moment. He looked at the Doctor.

"Is she human?" he asked him.

"Yes, she is," the Doctor replied curtly.

Reginald stared at them both for a moment and then pulled out the top drawer of his desk. Both the Doctor and Rose stiffened expecting a gun. But Reginald only pulled out a small green train and closed the drawer.

"Now," he said to the Doctor and Rose as he rolled the toy train back and forth in front of him. "I suppose you are wondering why you were brought here."

"Yes, the thought had crossed our minds," the Doctor replied.

"Well," Reginald said rolling the train back and forth. "You are my birthday present."

The Doctor frowned.

"Come again?" he said.

"My birthday present. My father is one of the most powerful people in the galaxy and he can buy me anything he wants, and I have all the toys I have ever wanted so when he asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a Time Lord and daddy never denies me anything."

The Doctor and Rose sat in stunned silence. For a moment, the only sound in the room was the sound of the wheels rolling back and forth across the desk. Then the Doctor cleared his throat.

"So, let me get this straight, the only reason Rose and I are here is because you decided I'd make a good birthday present."

"Yes, I have heard the legends from daddy about your race, and I know that you are the last Time Lord in existence. So, I said to him, please daddy I must have the last Time Lord for my very own and so my daddy set to work tracking you and when you came in range, he pulled your TARDIS down from the sky and brought you here to me."

The Doctor and Rose gave him a long, hard stare.

"And now that you have us, what are you going to…"

He sighed angrily.

"Do you have to do that?" he said gesturing to the rolling train. "That is very annoying!"

"I like to roll my choo-choo, it helps me to think."

"Yeah, well it's doing the exact opposite for me, so could you put it away before I break it?"

Reginald held the train to his chest.

"Don't break Winthrop," he said.

The Doctor glanced at Rose.

"Well, put Winthrop away and I won't have to break him," he said to him.

Reginald sighed, opened the drawer, put the engine inside it, and closed it. He folded his arms on the desk in front of him.

"Thank you," the Doctor said breathing a sigh of relief. "Anyway, as I was saying, now that you have us, what are you going to do with us?"

Reginald looked at Rose.

"Well, I really don't know what to do with her, since I wasn't expecting her to be in the TARDIS with you," he said.

"If you know all about me, then surely you know I travel with companions," the Doctor countered.

"Yeah, but I was hoping you had a boy companion. Girls are icky. They carry cooties."

The Doctor gave him a surely you can't be serious look. He glanced at Rose, moaned softly and looked back at Reginald with a patronizing look on his face.

"Well, if you want me to, I'll go back in the TARDIS and get my anti-cootie spray so you can be protected from Rose's deadly girl germs," he said.

"That won't be necessary, she won't be staying long," Reginald replied.

The Doctor narrowed his eyes.

"Oh? And where is she going to then?" he said in a deadly tone of voice.

Reginald shrugged.

"I'll let daddy have her. He can probably find work for her in his factories or date her and go to bed with her. Ever since mummy went to the angels, my daddy told me he's been trying to find me a new mummy so he's brought home a lot of women."

"Yeah, well, he's not going to make me into your mummy, that's for sure," Rose said.

"Then I suppose you'll have to go to work in the factories," Reginald said shrugging.

"I got a better idea, how about you just let us leave and get a nice puppy or something instead," the Doctor said to him.

"I have almost every Earth dog in my collection and every Earth cat too," Reginald said dismissively.

"Well, good, go play with them then and leave the last of the Time Lords alone!" the Doctor said. "Despite what you may think, we are not your playthings. Rose and I are real, living people and if you insist on keeping us here, we will fight tooth and nail to escape!"

"You can't threaten me like that! I'll go tell my daddy you're being mean to me!"

The Doctor rose from the chair and glared down at him.

"Go ahead and do it, pipsqueak, if you dare!" he said menacingly.

Rose glanced at him, stood up, and gave him the same menacing look.

"Yeah, do your worst!" she said. "We ain't scared of ya! Throw everything you got at us!"

Reginald shrugged and pushed a small, red button on his desk.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_You know, the Doctor often tells me I am too mouthy for my own good and now I see what he means. That kid definitely took me at my word because the next thing we knew we were fighting out way back to the TARDIS through a swarm of attack dogs, guards, mounted laser blasters, bees and robots, tons and tons of robots. Needless to say, we are now both bitten, beaten, bruised, stung and singed. I didn't get hurt quite as bad as the Doctor because I was in front of him and he was shielding me from the brunt of it. As I type this, he is in the med bay with ice packs all over his body including one tied to his bum to lessen the swelling after the multiple bee stings he received. Needless to say he will not let me forget this for as long as I live. I…sigh…Sorry I have to finish this later, the Doctor is wanting me to put some cream on his butt and make some more ice packs for him. _

"Coming, Doctor, I'm coming!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Rose's Blog Entry No. 30…

_Once again I'm back with another entry and this time I have to say I am stunned over what happened earlier tonight. So much so that I had to get up and get this down because I can't sleep. I have to say that before the incident tonight I had been freaked out anyway. We had just gotten back from London in the year 1953 where this creature called The Wire took my face from me and put it in a television set. That was disturbing enough, but I also remember being in the telly screaming at the Doctor when he finally found me. I remember the horrified look on his face as he stared at me and told me he was on his way and I remember listening to him screaming at Magpie and being horrified when I saw The Wire trying to take his and Tommy's and some other guy's face. My Doctor managed to escape that, but after that he left and I did not see him again until my face was restored to my head and we were reunited._

_When we went back to the TARDIS, the Doctor was very quiet and I didn't question him about it since I was worn out and my nerves were still frayed from what had happened to me. He took the TARDIS into the vortex while I went to take a shower to soothe myself. I skipped dinner and crawled into bed just wanting to get some rest. I laid down and was almost asleep when I heard the sound of my door opening…_

Rose's eyes snapped open when she heard the door creak. She frowned when she noticed the Doctor standing in the doorway staring quietly at her.

"Doctor? What's wrong?" Rose said softly.

He didn't reply, just silently walked into the room. He walked over to her bed and stared down at her with a blank look on his face. Rose stared up at him quietly trying to work out what was going on in his mind. The inscrutable gaze made her uneasy and she shifted slightly wanting to escape those intense brown eyes of his.

Then with that same look on his face, he reached out and touched her face. Rose looked up at him quietly as he ran his finger across her forehead, down her nose, across one cheek and then the other and finally his fingers stopped on her lips. They lingered there and Rose finally saw the Doctor's expression change into a sad look.

"Oh Rose," he whispered to himself. "Your face, your beautiful face."

Rose felt tears coming to her eyes at the heartbreaking look in his eyes. She reached up, took his hand off her lips, and held it against her heart. The Doctor stared at his hand for a moment and then knelt down beside her. He raised his other hand and brushed some strands of hair away from her face.

"When I saw what they had done to you," he murmured to her. "When they brought your faceless body into the police station, I almost lost it. I couldn't believe that your beautiful face was gone; I was ready to tear apart Heaven and Earth to get you back. Oh Rose, my Rose, I thought I'd lost you today. Oh God, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been restored…"

He trailed off when his free hand drifted back down to her cheek and stayed there. He stared into her eyes for a moment, a mixture of emotions running across his face. Then, he slowly lowered his lips to her forehead and gave her a gentle kiss. Rose felt tears come to her eyes as he kissed her nose, both cheeks and then finally after a moment's hesitation, her lips. Rose let go of his hand and laid it against his cheek as she returned the kiss. They kissed for a minute and then the Doctor pulled away and laid his forehead on hers. Rose stroked his cheek as he closed his eyes and kept his face there. Rose closed her eyes and listened to him breathe. She had never seen the Doctor so distraught before and it unnerved her. To know that what had happened today had affected him that much tore at her heart and she couldn't help the tear that fell down her cheek. The Doctor jerked his head up when he felt it hit his hand and he stared at her, anguished.

"No, my Rose, don't cry," he whispered wiping away the tears with his thumb. "Don't cry, I'm sorry I upset you, I'm so sorry."

That made Rose cry even harder and all her pent up emotions were finally let out. The Doctor gathered her into his arms, held her close, and stroked the back of her hair as he shushed her and whispered soothing words to her.

"Forgive me, Rose, I didn't mean to make you cry," he whispered. "I just…I couldn't stop thinking about it. Seeing you with that blank face, it was horrifying. I tried not to think about it, but I couldn't stop thinking about it and the next thing I know I'm in here. I didn't mean to scare you, Rose."

"No, it's alright, Doctor," she said. "I…I…needed to cry. I remember seeing you when I was in the telly and the look you had on your face and I heard you screaming and I hated that I upset you. I never should have gone to Magpies by myself. It was stupid of me to do that. I should have waited and gone with you. I didn't mean to upset and scare you either, Doctor. Oh God, I'm so sorry!"

She wept harder and the Doctor tightened his hold on her rocking back and forth, whispering that it wasn't her fault, that he wasn't angry at her and he was proud of her for being so brave. He held her close until her tears subsided and then once she was calm, he laid her back down on the bed and pulled the covers back up to her shoulders. He stroked her hair and gave her one last gentle kiss on the lips before he stood back up.

"Get some sleep, Rose, you need your rest now," he said to her.

He ran his hand one more time down her cheek and then with a sigh, he turned and left the room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_And now I'm sitting in here in the den trying to sort out my thoughts so I can finally get some sleep. It's been one crazy day and night, that's for sure. I just hope I never have to put the Doctor through that kind of anguish again because that look on his face just about broke my heart. I only hope he never has to go through something like that again because I realized tonight just how much I mean to him and how lost he would be if he really did lose me for good. I swore a long time ago that I would never leave him and tonight has only confirmed that I made the right decision. As God is my witness, nothing except my death will ever separate me from him._

_And now that I have gotten this down, I feel a lot better and I think I will go back to sleep now. I'm sure tomorrow will be another full day and I need my rest. So, goodbye until the next entry._


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Rose's Blog Entry No. 35…

_Geez...I love the Doctor, but he can be so irritating sometimes! I think it's because he gets so bored and needs stimulation so he has to think up things to do. I expect Einstein had the same problem. (On a side note, the Doctor did mention he met Einstein once, saved him and a bunch of other geniuses from someone called the Rani whoever that is.) Anyway, back to what I was saying. It was another one of those lazy days when nothing much was happening and I was in the den watching the telly…_

"Rose!"

Rose looked over at the den door when the Doctor ran through it, grinning from ear to ear. Rose groaned softly. She knew that expression. The Doctor was up to mischief again.

"Yes, Doctor," she said.

She gasped when the Doctor flopped down beside her on the couch.

"I just had a brilliant idea!" he said.

"Um…should I be scared?" Rose asked.

The Doctor frowned.

"Scared of what?"

"Never mind," Rose said waving her hand. "What's your idea?"

"Do you know how the word Quiz came about?" the Doctor asked her.

"Um, no, how did the word Quiz come about?" Rose asked.

"There was a man named Daly who was the manager of a Dublin play house and he made a wager with a friend that he could make up a word and in twenty four hours could get everyone talking about it. So, he went out and chalked the word quiz on all the walls in Dublin and sure enough the next day the word was the talk of the town and a new word was invented."

"Hmmm, that's pretty cool," Rose said.

"Yup, so I was sitting by the console thinking and I suddenly though why don't I do that too, just to see if I can do it! So, I made up a new word."

"Really? What is the new word?"

He grinned.

"Beboolious." He said.

"Beboolious?"

"Yup!"

"Okay, what does beboolious mean?"

"Well, I thought about that for awhile and I decided to use one of my other favorite words and make it mean fantastic. So that's what beboolious means, fantastic, glorious, awe-inspiring, nice, anything along those lines."

"Okay, so what are you going to do, pick some city and write beboolious on all the walls?"

"Maybe, but I thought I'd start small and go visit your mum first."

Rose stared at him.

"Oh, you wouldn't, Doctor,"

"Oh yes I would. If anyone would be willing to spread my new word around, it would be your gossipy, mouthy mum. She'll be the perfect one to start implementing my plans to spread a new word across the universe."

"Doctor, no, don't bother mum…"

But it was too late, the Doctor was already sprinting towards the den door. Rose put her head in her hands and groaned.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jackie dropped the hand towel when she heard the familiar wheezing of the TARDIS. She turned to see it materializing in the corner of the room.

"Rose!" she said running towards it.

She stood outside the door as it opened. She groaned when the Doctor came out and gave her a huge grin.

"Jackie! Great to see you! What a simply beboolious day!"

Jackie stared at him.

"What?" she said.

"You look absolutely beboolious, Jackie, have you been getting more rest? You are so radiant looking!"

Jackie sighed and pushed past him.

"Get out of the way, you loony," she muttered as she went into the TARDIS.

"Hey, you didn't ask permission to go inside, Jackie! That wasn't very beboolious of you!" he yelled as he followed her in.

Jackie looked around the console room and noticed Rose was sitting on the captain's chair.

"There you are, sweetheart!" she gushed as she ran to her. "What are you sitting in here for?"

"I was trying not to watch the Doctor," Rose muttered to her.

Jackie narrowed her eyes.

"Why? What's he done now?" she said angrily.

"I've done nothing," the Doctor said coming up behind her. Rose and I have been getting along as usual. We've been traveling through space and time and having a beboolious time of it."

Rose groaned and lowered her head to her hands.

Jackie rolled her eyes and turned to him.

"Can't you leave us alone for five bloody minutes, ya git?" she said to him.

The Doctor feigned shock.

"Jackie Tyler, that wasn't very beboolious of you!" he said to her. "I'm just trying to be beboolious and get along with you. Despite what you may think I do want a beboolious relationship with you."

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?" she said to him." Why'd you keep saying that word?"

The Doctor leaned in.

"What word, Jackie?"

"That alien word you know I can't understand!"

"What word?"

Rose coughed nervously when Jackie shot him a look of death.

"Now, you know exactly what I'm talking about!" she said angrily.

"No, I don't. What word do you mean?"

"Just…humor him, mum, and say the word," Rose said.

Jackie sighed angrily.

"That boobiewhatzits word you keep using every five seconds," she said.

"Beboolious?" the Doctor prompted.

"Yes, beboolious, whatever the hell that…"

She staggered back as the Doctor gave out a triumphant yell and pumped his fist in the air.

"YES, I GOT HER TO SAY IT!" he yelled.

Jackie watched as the Doctor ran back out of the TARDIS whooping and yelling in triumph. She looked down at Rose.

"You really sure you wanna be hangin' round with him, Rose, the man is certifiable!" she said to her.

"He's just bored, mum, it'll pass," Rose said to her.

"BEBOOLIOUS! HEY, EVERYONE, BEBOOLIOUS!" they heard the Doctor scream.

"Oh hell, what is he up to now?" Jackie said as she and Rose ran out the front door.

Jackie gasped when she got outside the TARDIS and noticed the Doctor had the front door open and was screaming beboolious at the top of his lungs. Letting out a yell, she grabbed him by the back of his jacket, jerked him backwards, shut the door, and spun around to face him. She drew her hand back and gave him a pointed look.

"If you don't stop it, I will slap the beboolious out of ya!" she yelled at him.

The Doctor sighed angrily.

"No, Jackie, that's not what beboolious means. It means fantastic, wonderful, nice, awesome. Like this…Today is a beboolious day, now repeat after me, today is a beeeboooolious daaaaay! Say it, Jackie! Beeeebooooolious. Beeeeeeeeeeeeboooooooooo---"

He was cut short when Jackie seized the end of his tie and began to drag him back towards the TARDIS.

"If you are gonna keep this up, then you can leave. And don't come back here until you can act properly!" she said.

"Gah! Jackie! I'm sorry!" the Doctor got out.

Jackie let go of the tie when she reached the front door of the TARDIS and shoved him through the door.

"AND STAY IN THERE BEFORE I BEBOOLIOUS YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!" she screamed at him.

She slammed the door, shook her head, and walked over to Rose.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Well, needless to say, the Doctor stayed in the TARDIS the entire time of my visit with mum. When I went back inside, I found him sitting on the captain's chair and to my surprise he began to complain about the way he had been treated. I quickly cut him off and reminded him that I had warned him not to do that, but he didn't want to hear that. He got the TARDIS back into the vortex and stomped off to his room to sulk like the big baby he is. It just amazes me sometimes that the all knowing, all seeing, all superior Time Lord can act worse than a two-year-old child can. That's probably where he is now, just curled up in his room crying like a big baby because mum wouldn't go along with his grand scheme of…_

Rose stopped in mid-sentence when the Doctor, who was standing behind her, leaned over her shoulder, brushed aside her hands and started typing.

_Rose Tyler, despite what you may think, I am NOT curled up in my room crying like a big baby. I came in here to see if you wanted to go find a nice amusement park to spend the day at, but if you are going to badmouth me in your blog, I have no choice but to take you to the stink swamps of Yulizon Five. Perhaps once you get a whiff of the mucky, boggy stench, you will realize that it does not pay to criticize me behind my back! I am watching you, Rose! You may think I'm just a beboolious guy, but I am the Oncoming Storm and I will not be mocked! FEAR ME, ROSE TYLER MWAH HA HA HA HA HA :p_

_P.S. I am not at fault. Jackie Tyler has no sense of humor. I tried to help her with that and she nearly severs my head from my body with my tie. She will learn to fear me too in time, MWAH HA HA HA HA HA :p_

_P.S.S. You couldn't stay mad at me if you tried, you worship the ground I walk upon and you know it! Once you stop denying that fact, life will be so much easier for you!_

_Love and kisses,_

_Your God_

The Doctor leaned back up, stuck his hands in his pockets, and casually walked out the door. Rose snorted and rolled her eyes and quickly hit backspace over the Doctor's words.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: This is an AU story since Jack and Torchwood are mentioned in it before Doomsday happened, but hey, I love Jack/Doctor/Rose stories so I couldn't resist putting him in.

Chapter Seven

Rose's Blog Entry No. 42…

_Arrgh, I'm so mad I can barely type this entry out. The Doctor and Jack went too far today. Normally, I put up with their teasing and practical jokes but today they both crossed the line. I am so glad we do travel in time because if I was forced to live in pre-revolutionary France after today, I'm sure I would have dragged both those boys to the guillotine. And when I say boys, I mean BOYS because both of them act like a couple of immature, bratty, older brothers. And just like all bratty brothers, they sit around and think up ways to tease and humiliate me so they can get a giggle. One of these days I swear I will turn the tables on both of them and let them see how it feels to be embarrassed in front of high society!!!!!_

_Okay, Rose, calm down and get a grip so you can get this entry out. _

_Anyway, it started earlier today. We had just picked up Jack the day before. He and the rest of the Torchwood team were giving themselves a couple days off and Jack decided to travel with us. So he phoned the Doctor up on the mobile he gave him and away we went. I went to bed last night never dreaming that those two BOYS were planning something rotten to do to me in the morning…_

"Rose?"

Rose frowned in her sleep and murmured out something unintelligible.

"Rose!"

Rose opened her eyes and turned her head to look up at the Doctor who was standing beside her bed.

"Huh?" she murmured sleepily.

"Wake up, Jack and I have a surprise for you."

"You do? What?"

"Well, first you have to get up and then we'll let you know what the surprise is."

"Alright," Rose murmured flinging her covers off her.

"Just meet us in the wardrobe room after you get dressed," the Doctor said.

Rose grunted in reply. The Doctor left the room while she swung her legs over the bed and slowly got up.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rose was still trying to wake up as she slowly climbed the stairs to the Doctor's wardrobe room. She found him and Jack standing on the second floor smiling warmly at her. Looking at those smiles, she suddenly got a funny feeling that they were up to something and she was going to be on the receiving end of it.

"Ah, Rose, there you are," the Doctor walking towards her.

He put his hand on her shoulder.

"Rose, how would you like to go to a fancy ball?" he said.

Rose shrugged.

"I wouldn't mind," she said. "Sounds like it could be fun."

"Good!"

The Doctor glanced at Jack and she noticed a conspiratorial look pass between them. He looked back at her.

"Well, first off, the ball is in 1779 in France," he said.

"Okay," Rose said sensing this was leading to something she wasn't going to like.

"Now, do you know very much about upper class society in pre-revolutionary France?" he asked her.

Rose snorted.

"I know you invented the banana daiquiri the night you went out and partied with a certain French courtesan who shall remain nameless. I'm assuming the party you were at was attended by the upper class," she replied giving him a pointed look.

The Doctor coughed nervously.

"Um, yes, well…we won't get into that right now," he muttered.

He quickly turned away and walked over to one of the clothes racks as Jack snickered. He grabbed a huge, pink frilly dress and showed it to her.

"This is the kind of dress that was worn by the high born ladies of the time. If we are attending a fancy ball, then you must wear this," he said to her.

Rose groaned.

"Do I have to?" she said.

"Yes, you have to; this is the upper class we're talking about. They're not going to look very favorably on your jeans and tee-shirt. You'll also need to wear a hoop skirt, white hose, shoes, petticoat, corset…"

Rose gasped as he threw all the items her way. Jack watched her with an amused grin when he saw her staring at the small mound of clothing and accessories with a horrified look on her face.

"And for the piece de resistance, your wig!" the Doctor said triumphantly as he walked to another corner of the room.

Rose stared at him in shock.

"Oh hell no, Doctor," she said.

"Oh hell yes, Rose," the Doctor said pulling the lid off a huge, brown box. "Women of that time wore elaborate wigs to parties and you will do the same. In fact, I have just the thing for you right here."

Rose's eyes nearly popped out of her head when she saw the wig. The wig itself wasn't very high, but sitting smack dab on top of it was a two foot tall model of a three masted ship. She stared at it in shocked silence.

"You are kidding me; I'm supposed to wear that? It's hideous!" Rose said pointing at it.

"Yes, but where we are going, this is currently in style. It is known as a la Belle Poule. The ship is a representation of a famous French ship called the Belle Poule that fought a famous battle against the British ship HMS Arethusa. Both ships fought in a heated battle and the Belle Poule managed to avoid being destroyed or captured when the Arethusa was forced to retreat after losing its mast and in honor of that, French women began wearing a model of the ship in their hair."

"I…am…not…wearing…that!" Rose said to him.

"You have to, I don't have any other wigs for you to wear," the Doctor said discretely shoving a smaller box of wigs out of sight with his foot.

"Then, I'll do up my own hair instead."

"Nope, sorry, that won't do either. High born ladies wear wigs to fancy parties and I'm not going to have you embarrass me in front of the upper class."

"ME EMBARRASS YOU?" Rose yelled. "What about you embarrassing me by making me wear that thing! It probably weights a ton and that and this getup will be hotter 'n hell!"

"Nevertheless, you must wear it. It would be a different story if we were just strolling the streets of Paris, but this is a society ball and rules must be followed. Now, get your dress on and we'll help you with the wig, but I won't take no for an answer. Come and get us when you're done, we'll be at the bottom of the stairs."

He hurried past her, carrying the wig with him so Rose wouldn't destroy it. He looked over at Jack when he caught up to him and both of them fought to keep from laughing as Rose let out an angry groan and grabbed the corset and hoop skirt.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Finally, after wrestling with the dress and accessories, she finally managed to get them on properly and she stood in the wardrobe room feeling like she was going to die as the Doctor and Jack scrutinized her attire calmly.

"It'll have to do, I guess," the Doctor said sniffing.

"Yeah, I guess we'll just have to live with it," Jack said letting out a melodramatic sigh.

The Doctor grinned, reached behind him, and picked up the wig.

"And now we complete the look," he said walking towards Rose.

Rose grunted when he plopped the wig down on her head.

"Jesus, it weighs a ton!" she yelled as she felt her neck begin to ache.

The Doctor ignored her as he tucked her hair underneath the wig. Once all traces of blonde locks were concealed beneath the wig, he stepped back and gave her another appraising look. As he looked at Rose standing there in a tight pink, dress, with tight, pink shoes and a huge ship atop her bewigged head he couldn't help but crack a smile.

"What'd you think, captain?" he asked Jack.

Jack scratched his chin thoughtfully and walked over to her.

"I like the look, but what I think this ship needs is a teeny tiny crew and perhaps a plank jutting out the side with a little guy about to walk off it into her hair. I think that would be cool looking."

He giggled when Rose gave him a look of death.

"I'm just saying, Rose; a nice ship like this needs a crew in it. If you're gonna go for realism, then go all the way I say!"

"I'm gonna kill the both of you." Rose muttered.

The Doctor walked over and took her hand.

"Now, Rose, don't be that way. It's a small sacrifice to be able to party with the upper crust. You should be thanking us. You would have never gotten to do this if you had stayed a shop girl."

"Yes, I would have been so crushed knowing I would have missed the chance to go to a party with a bloody great ship on my head," Rose said as the Doctor and Jack snickered.

"No grumbling, Tyler, or I'll have you keelhauled!" the Doctor said to her. "Now raise your anchor and let's set sail for that party!"

Ignoring the glare that his companion was giving him, he grabbed her hand and helped her walk down the steps as Jack followed behind them, snickering.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rose sighed angrily as she walked along the Paris streets with the Doctor and Jack. She swore to God if she heard one more nautical joke from either one of them, she was going to break off one of the ship's masts and gouge their eyes with it. Worse yet, she hadn't seen anyone else wearing anything remotely like what she was wearing and judging from the odd looks she was getting from the other people around them, the Doctor was wrong about it being the in thing to wear. She balled up her fist when she heard Jack start singing the 'yo ho ho and a bottle of rum' song to her. She figured it was a good thing Jack was immortal and the Doctor was the only one who knew how to fly the TARDIS, because otherwise they would both be dead by now. Even worse, Rose noticed that while she had to wear the tight, uncomfortable, itchy dress and the enormous boat on top of her head, the Doctor and Jack were wearing their normal, everyday outfits.

"Hey," she finally said to the Doctor. "How come I have to wear all this to this fancy ball and you two get to wear your normal clothes?"

"Because," the Doctor said to her.

"Because why?"

"Because," the Doctor said shrugging as if that settled it.

Rose sighed angrily as the Doctor glanced back at Jack and they both fought to keep from laughing.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rose gasped when the Doctor suddenly jerked on her arm.

"Avast, me hearties, we've arrived at the shindig, arrrrr," the Doctor said in a pirate voice.

"You are so dead; you do realize that, don't you?" Rose said to him.

The Doctor gave her a shocked look.

"Shiver me timbers, Rose, that's no way to talk to your captain! I'll flog ye with the cat o' nine tails and make ye walk the plank!"

He glanced up at the boat.

"Or I would make ye walk the plank if ye had a plank," he said.

"See, I told you, she needed one," Jack said to him.

"You're gonna think walk the plank when I shove you two out the door into the bleedin' vortex!" Rose said angrily.

"Don't talk back to your captain like that, ye little powder monkey, or I'll tie a tiny noose to your mast and make you dance the hempen jig, aaaaaaar!"

Rose sighed, threw up her hands, walked over to the door, and threw it open. They watched as she went inside.

"You know she really is gonna kill us when we get back to the TARDIS, don't you?" Jack said to the Doctor.

The Doctor smiled.

"Yes, but it's worth losing another life if I get to see her walking around in this getup."

He and Jack snickered and walked inside.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Once inside they had no trouble locating Rose in the crowd. Oh, there were plenty of enormous, extravagant wigs, but there was only one with a ship atop it. They giggled and watched the ship sailing around the room as Rose tried to navigate her way through the crowd. They looked at each other, nodded and walked towards her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

They are so dead!

Rose was looking around the room, but no one else was wearing a huge ship on her head. She suddenly felt very self-conscious as the women around her stared at the ship and muttered to each other under their breath. She was about to go find the two men responsible for her getup and throttle them when she suddenly felt someone tickle the back of her neck.

"Yo ho ho!" Jack said, tickling her side as he walked past her.

Rose glared at him as he turned his head and winked at her. As she muttered curses under her breath, she felt the Doctor come up beside her.

"Ahoy, landlubber, how are you enjoying the party so far?" he asked smiling at her.

"I cannot stress this enough, you will die a slow, painful death when we get back to the TARDIS," she snarled at him.

"Nah, you'd never kill me, you'd miss me in an instant," the Doctor said shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Wanna bet?" Rose said narrowing her eyes.

"You won't do it because if you kill me you might get someone even cheekier than me."

"Who said I was gonna stop killing you when you regenerated?"

"You still won't do it. You need me in your life. I am the Moby Dick to your Captain Ahab, the Long John Silver to your Jim Hawkins, and the jar of dirt to your Jack Sparrow. You'd miss me if I were dead."

He snickered as Rose rolled her eyes.

"Look, I've gone through with your little joke, now let's get outta here and get back to the TARDIS."

The Doctor gave her a shocked look.

"Now? We haven't even had hors d'oeuvres yet and we still have to mingle and meet the upper crust of French society. Come on, Rose, I'll stick by you and we'll have fun, just relax."

"I can't relax with a bleedin' boat on top of my head!" Rose said. "No one else is wearing anything like this and I feel like a fool! Do you even care about---"

She gasped when Jack suddenly ran up, grabbed the sides of her head and began to move it from side to side.

"Aaaah!" he said. "A hurricane just blew up and the ship is out of control! All hands on deck or we'll all go down to Davy Jones' locker!"

"THAT IS IT!" Rose screamed.

All heads turned and stared at her in shock as she grabbed the wig off her head and threw it to the floor. Everyone around her jumped back when she began to stomp on the ship, destroying it. She gave the broken model one last hard kick before she turned around and stomped out of the room. Jack swallowed hard and looked at the Doctor.

"I think I just went a bit too far," he conceded.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Well, needless to say, the Doctor and Jack haven't bothered me all night since I got back to the TARDIS. And it's a good thing too because I was this close to murdering them both. I swear I will have my revenge on them if it takes me a million years! I…_

Rose looked up from typing on her laptop when she heard a soft thud and felt the coffee table vibrate. In front of her was an enormous floral bouquet filled with all sorts of colorful and exotic flowers. Next to it was a large fruit basket filled with all her favorite fruits, both from Earth and from other worlds, and next to that was a large, black teddy bear and a stuffed unicorn. Rose stared at the gifts, shocked, and then she saw the Doctor and Jack peeking nervously over the top of the flowers.

"Hey there, Rose, busy working on something?" the Doctor said.

"Yes, I am," Rose said with barely contained anger.

The Doctor glanced at Jack.

"Well, we kinda figured you were, so we decided to make a few quick stops and just look what we got for you! Aren't they nice?"

Both men gave her a pleading look. Rose looked at their huge puppy dog eyes, let out a sigh of resignation and nodded.

"Yes, they're very nice, Doctor and Jack, thank you for getting them for me," she said.

The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief and walked around the coffee table. He tried to see what she had written, but Rose quickly closed the lid. The Doctor sighed and plopped down on the couch beside her as Jack came around the other side and sat down.

"Rose, I'm sorry we did that to you," the Doctor said. "We were having a laugh, but when we did it, we figured that other people would be wearing the a la Belle Poule hairstyle too. Unfortunately, I miscalculated and landed a year after the style went out of fashion, which was why everyone was giving you odd looks. Jack and I are very, very sorry; we were just teasing you like we always do and it went horribly wrong and…"

He sighed.

"We did go a bit too far with the teasing, but neither of us could resist since you were wearing a gigantic boat on your head and…"

He grinned.

"You did look very odd with it on," he said, his eyes filled with that mischievous gleam.

Rose stared into his beautiful brown eyes and she felt the anger melt away. A smile spread over her face.

"I guess I did give those nobs a bit of a shock when I smashed the boat in front of them, yeah?" she said.

The Doctor and Jack chuckled.

"Yes, just a bit of a shock, especially considering you were smashing a very well known and highly thought of boat." He replied.

He put his arm around her.

"But you had every right to smash it since the whole idea of wearing a two foot model ship on the top of your head is really naff anyway."

"Got that right," Rose said giggling.

"Course that's nothing compared to Shimaria where the Shimarians go about with purple paint covering their bare butt cheeks and orange paint on their breasts. Positively hideous. On the other hand, there is Tuptuptoolia where the Tuptup tribe and the Tuptoolia tribe are at war with each other. They like to chop off each other's heads during battle and bring them home to their women so they can strap them to their heads and parade around the town showing off their husband's victories. Grisly. Actually, given the reign of terror that France went through and the extensive use of the guillotine during it, I'm surprised the French people didn't start putting fake heads on their hats and wigs. Ah well, that's humans for ya, always unpredictable and always fun to watch!"

He gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Anyway, you get back to your blogging and enjoy your gifts; Jack and I are gonna go shoot some hoops in the TARDIS gym."

He patted Rose on the hand and he and Jack got up. Rose watched them go and then lifted the lid and typed,

_I will say this for the Doctor; the man knows how to talk himself out of a beating._

A/N: Yes, there actually was a hairstyle called the a la Belle Poule that was worn during the 18th century. Marie Antoinette supposedly wore it at one point in addition to many others. I have a writer's dictionary that lists terms for different things (names of clothing, hairstyles, animals, weapons, technical terms, etc.) and this hairdo was listed in the hairstyle section. I looked it up on the internet and after seeing the enormous ship on top of the woman's wig, I thought it would make a great little blog piece for Rose. Hard to believe people actually got away with wearing enormous model boats on top of their heads, but that's fashion for you, I guess! Lol! But, that's where the idea for this little chapter came from!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Rose's Blog Entry No. 51…

_The Doctor has told me in the past that he has some enemies that he has to keep fighting repeatedly. Enemies such as the Daleks or the Cybermen, but also ones I've never heard of like the Sontarans, Ice Warriors, Yetis, Axons and people like the Rani, the Master, and the Valeyard. Well, I guess the Doctor can now add to his growing list of enemies that keep popping up to plague him because the other day…_

"Ah, here we go, one more scoop and it'll be perfect," Rose said as she used the ice cream scoop to get one more scoop of chocolate chip ice cream into her bowl.

It had been a very pleasant morning. Rose had gotten up and having nothing to do, decided to go into the den to watch TV while the Doctor did his usual tinkering with the TARDIS. She put the scoop of ice cream into the bowl, put the remainder back in the freezer, grabbed her spoon, and headed out the door to the den. As she munched on her ice cream, she suddenly heard the Doctor calling out her name and groaned.

"Oh bloody hell, there goes the day," she muttered.

She continued to eat her ice cream as she walked into the console room. She paused at the back door and saw the Doctor staring at the monitor with a perplexed look on his face.

"What's going on now?" Rose asked walking towards him.

"Distress signal, the TARDIS is tracking it," the Doctor said. "I wanted you to be aware of it so we can go out the door as soon as she lands and…is that chocolate chip ice cream?"

"Yeah."

The Doctor jerked the spoon out of Rose's hand, shoveled some ice cream in his mouth, and gave the spoon back to her.

"Oi, get your own, why don't---"

"Shh," the Doctor said holding up his finger.

Just then, the TARDIS landed and powered down. The Doctor glanced down at the monitor.

"Odd," he said.

"What is?"

"That's the name of the place."

"What's the name of the place?"

"Odd."

"What's odd about the name of the place?" Rose said exasperated.

"The name of the place where we have landed is called Odd," he said.

"Oh, so is that a planet or a city or what?"

"Dunno, never heard of it," the Doctor said.

He grinned.

"Sure is odd though, huh?" he said elbowing her in the ribs.

"Yeah, odd," Rose said rolling her eyes.

"Well, let's get out there and see what's odd about Odd," the Doctor said to her.

She sat the bowl of ice cream down on the captain's chair and they walked to the door. The Doctor opened it and peeked out. Rose frowned when he heard him saying,

"Hey, you lot look awfully familiar."

She gasped when a metal hand seized him and pulled him out the door. Rose tried to close the door but the robot rammed its way through and grabbed her. It pulled her outside and she saw the Doctor in the arms of another one.

"I hate robots, did I ever tell you that before, Rose, how much I loathe and despise them?" he said.

They grunted as they were dragged to a room and thrown inside. The Doctor and Rose leapt to their feet and groaned when they noticed they were back in the red room with the black carpeting and tons of toys and sitting at the desk right in front of them was Reginald Dortshire the Third.

"We meet again, Doctor," he said.

"Listen you snot nosed brat, I am not your bleedin' birthday present!" the Doctor yelled at him.

"On the contrary, my daddy found you and brought you to me so that makes you mine," Reginald said smugly.

The Doctor sighed.

"I don't have time for this, I have planets to see and people to save, I am not your toy so the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the happier we'll all be!" he said to him.

The Doctor shook his head.

"Come on, Rose, we have better things to do than to stand here being his property," he said turning around.

He started to walk towards the door when he heard a loud bang behind him. He spun around when Rose screamed and saw her imprisoned in the bottom of a huge hourglass.

"Daddy got this for me after I watched Aladdin," Reginald said gesturing to the hourglass. "I thought it was cool and I wanted my own. And look it even buries people alive like it did in the movie."

He pushed a button on his desk and Rose gasped when a little door opened above her and sand began to pour into the bottom half.

"LET HER GO!" the Doctor said pounding on the glass.

"I will if you agree to be my birthday present," Reginald said shrugging. "After all, I don't think you want her to be buried alive, do you? It doesn't sound like it would be fun to die that way and…"

He trailed off when the Doctor pulled the screwdriver from his pocket.

"Hey, what's that?" Reginald said, interested.

"This is my sonic screwdriver. It breaks glass, like so!"

He aimed it at the bottom half of the hourglass and turned it on. Reginald let out an angry yell as the glass shattered spilling sand all over the carpet.

"Hey! That was an expensive one of a kind hourglass!" Reginald said angrily as the Doctor helped Rose climb out.

"Well, perhaps if you had kept it to yourself, it would still be intact now," the Doctor said as Rose dusted sand off her body.

"I'm gonna tell daddy you did that!"

"I'm gonna tell daddy you did that!" the Doctor said in a snotty voice. "Why don't you tell daddy to teach you how not to be a snot nosed brat who kidnaps people for his amusement. Now if you don't mind, Rose and I are leaving and by Rassilon if you try to stop us, I will resort to drastic measures! Now goodbye!"

"Wait; can you at least let me have that sonic screwdriver thingy? It's cool!"

The Doctor gave him a pointed look and said slowly and deliberately,

"Noooooooooooooooooo!"

He took Rose's hand and turned to go.

"You can't talk to me like that! I am Reginald Dortshire the Third and you are my birthday present!"

The Doctor sighed and looked at Rose.

"Wait here a moment, will you please?"

Rose nodded. The Doctor handed her the sonic screwdriver, turned and slowly walked towards the desk.

"Wait, what…what are you doing?" Reginald said leaping out of his seat. "You better not hurt me because my daddy will sue you and get everything you own. I am Reginald Dortshire the Third and you can't hurt me. I'll tell on you if you hurt me!"

Reginald tried to run, but the Doctor seized him by the arm.

"Come along, Reggie," he said dragging him back towards his chair. "I'm going to teach you a lesson about what happens when you provoke the last of the Time Lords!"

The Doctor sat down in the chair, bent Reginald over his knee, and began to spank him.

"No!" he wailed. "You can't do this to me! I'm Reginald Dortshire---"

"Oh shut up!" the Doctor said.

He finished spanking him, lowered him to the floor, and walked away, leaving him crying by the desk.

"You…you won't get away with this, Doctor," Reginald said between sobs. "You are my birthday present and I'll find a way to keep you here forever! Dortshires never give up and WE NEVER LOSE!"

The Doctor ignored him as he opened the door, ushered Rose through and slammed it behind him.

"Just you wait, Doctor, I will go to daddy and have him come up with a foolproof way to catch you and keep you here permanently and then I'll have both you and your sonic screwdriver in my possession!"

_And there you have it, the Doctor has a new sworn enemy and he's a snotty, bratty, nine year old rich kid. Apparently, Reginald did something to the TARDIS's monitor to make it show the location as Odd so we wouldn't know we had landed outside his bedroom again. Gotta hand it to the kid, he apparently has an unlimited supply of his daddy's money and the brains to trap us if he wants to. The Doctor is of course completely underwhelmed and has even joked that if Dorkshire ever shows his face around him again; he will give him an even harder spanking and use a belt on him to boot. He can joke, of course, because the kid wants him alive. Apparently, I'm an ucky girl with girl cooties who can be disposed of which means I'm in even greater danger from this loon than the Doctor is. I hope that that's the last we've seen of the little maniac because I don't fancy meeting my end at the hands of a nine year old kid._

Rose looked up as the Doctor strolled into the den carrying a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream.

"You gave me quite a craving for this today, Rose," he said walking up to her. "Can't go wrong with chocolate chip ice cream, glad you thought of it."

He walked around to her laptop, bent down and ate his ice cream as he read her entry. He got to the end of it and giggled.

"Dorkshire, yeah, I love that. Suits the little brat perfectly. I'm so glad my brilliant mind came up with it. And as for you being in danger, I wouldn't worry, Rose. The little git doesn't stand a chance against me. You have absolutely nothing to fear."

He spooned some ice cream into his mouth and munched on it.

"So," he said through the mouthful of ice cream. "What do you blog about besides what goes on in our lives?"

Rose shrugged.

"That's it, really, just what happens on the TARDIS."

The Doctor took another bite of ice cream and gestured at the screen with his spoon.

"Ever make up any stories?" he asked.

"Oi!" Rose said moving her laptop away. "You're dripping milk on my keyboard! And what do you mean by stories?"

"Well, I was surfing the net and I came upon this thing called fanfiction. Veeeeeeery interesting stuff, apparently people make up stories based on movies and TV shows and other things. I read this one Star Wars fanfic where Princess Leia had hot sex with Han Solo, it was very interesting, so I wondered if you made up any stories about us that I could read."

"You mean, sex stories about you and me?"

"Well, I was meaning any kind of story, but yeah, you got some steamy Doctor and Rose porn in this blog somewhere?"

"No!"

The Doctor's face fell.

"Could you make some up?" he asked hopefully.

"You want me to write you a porno story?"

The Doctor nodded his head vigorously.

"Why?"

"Because I'm bored. That's why I started reading that fanfiction and I just got in the mood for a good smut story about us, so get to work writing it, Rose and I'll give you a big reward in return!"

"Doctor, why don't you write it? You're the one with that complicated fantasy life about being the banana daiquiri CEO and I'm your secretary. You mentioned you had sex with me in your fantasy so why don't you write something?"

She knew she said the wrong thing when the Doctor's eyes lit up.

"Oooo, I could, couldn't I? I could write you a story and perhaps you could write me one in return and we could both have a laugh! How about that?"

"Um, I guess we could do that…"

She jumped when the Doctor let out a delighted whoop.

"I'll get started on mine right now!" he said running off.

Rose watched as he ran out of the den screaming "YIPEEEEEEEEEE!" at the top of his lungs.

"Oh Lord, I hate to think what his story is gonna be like. I think I just agreed to the wrong thing," Rose muttered as she closed her laptop.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

_Oh…my…God…_

_I just got through reading the Doctor's story after he spent all night working on it and I have to say…wow! I don't know what kind of porn stories the Doctor's been reading, but I'm pretty sure those stories are nothing like his. I am going to write this story into my blog word for word because it's too good not to save. It's an example of the Doctor's cluelessness about human sexuality in general and erotic fiction in particular. So in the interest of preserving this little gem for all time, I'm going to write it out and add my own comments from time to time( My comments will be in brackets like this.)_

_Before I begin, I just want to say something about the Doctor. The Doctor's ego is enormous which leads him to make himself look better than everyone else. He also loves to lecture people whenever he can so this story is filled with needless explanations and pointless ramblings that kill the mood of the story. Anyway, I'll write it out here and let you be the judge. Here goes._

Picture this, Rose…London on a calm, fall morning. The temperature is slightly frigid and the barometric pressure is dropping indicating the onset of bad weather later in the day. London is looking as London-y as always. Humans are scurrying around as humans do going back and forth to places of business and pleasure. Amidst the hustle and the bustle of the morning crowd, there is one who is a man above all men, a giant in the world of business. He is a player on the world stage and a maker and breaker of men's fortunes. Yes, you guessed it, Rose. It's yours truly! (As if I couldn't guess it from the egotistical introduction he just gave.)

This man is no longer the Doctor you know and love, my Rose, but rather Basil Bananabottom, Chairman and CEO of Banana Daiquiri Delights. (Basil Bananabottom? How in the hell did he come up with a name like that? The Doctor's thought processes really scare me sometimes.) Yes, I am the king of Banana Daiquiris. (I can just see the smug grin on the Doctor's face while he's writing this part.) As I told you before, I came from a dairy farm in Dorset and got up early in the morn to shovel dung and milk the cows and that is why I am a fortune 500 CEO now.

But everything is not as it seems for behind my triumphant grin there is a tormented soul in need of love and affection. That is where you come in, Rose, or should I say, Miss Sally Fortesque, my loyal but harried executive assistant. You, of course, live in complete squalor in Stepney (Of course I do. Roll eyes.) You grew up there in a run-down house with a father who went out every day to mime for pocket change while your next-door neighbor looked after you. He was an overweight, balding, toothless World War Two veteran named Jonesy who used to beat you relentlessly with his wooden leg (Like I said, I don't know how he comes up with this stuff and I'm not sure I wanna know!) As you might expect, miming is not an extremely lucrative business venture and so you and your dad were as poor as church mice. (And now we have Doctor pointless ramble number one.) I wonder who decided that church mice were poorer than other mice. I figure mice all over the world have it rough unless they are living in a cheese factory, so why church mice were singled out for a simile of their own is a puzzling puzzle to me, Rose. You humans sure do come up with the weirdest turn of phrases, but anyway, I'm getting off on a tangent so it's back to the story...(By now you are probably thinking, okay, when is he going to get to the erotic part of the story. Yup, I was thinking the same thing when I first read this.)

Of course, I could get into your whole back-story at this point and talk about your teenage life of prostitution and your abuse at the hands of a pimp named Benny. Not to mention your side job of pole dancing in sleazy, degrading dives that are only populated by the most depraved, vicious criminal element that London has to offer, but since that is irrelevant to the story at large, I will leave these juicy details for another fanfic. (Thank the Lord Jesus for small favors!)

So, instead of me wasting several pages on back-story, just envision your sordid past instead, Rose, and imagine the utter relief you had when you came to work for me right after getting your BSc from Stepney College's School of Business. Imagine yourself, fresh from university, standing in my office as I hire you and being overawed at the magnificence that is me! (At this point, I had to pause in my reading to go vomit in the loo.) I, being the magnanimous soul that I am, decided to give a fresh faced cutie like yourself a cushy job as my executive assistant because I could see you had loads of potential, not to mention a nice set of bouncy breasts. And so you and your breasts came to work for me and we hit it off from day one! (I bet we did since I have bouncy breasts apparently.)

And so for several years you toiled under my benevolent guidance as I molded you into a model employee. You did everything I asked of you and always bent over backwards to please me. Now whether this was because you were still in awe of my god-like aura of authority or because you were terrified I would drop kick you out the door into the waiting arms of Benny, I can't say for sure, I leave that up to you to decide. (How about neither choice, Doctor? I pick that.)

But as you slaved away making sure I looked good in the eyes of the world and my other employees, all was not well at home. (Insert sinister music here.) Yes, even though I was a corporate giant and the envy of Bill Gates (P'eh, he wishes.) My home life was in a complete shambles. My wife, Beryl, was obsessed with my money. She loved payday, for that was when she would rip the paycheck from my hand as soon as I entered the mansion and go spend it on expensive mink furs and trips to Kokomo where she would lie on the beach all day getting thoroughly pissed drinking bottle after bottle of pinot noir wine. While poor little rich me, who barely saw a pence of it, sat at home wiling away many a lonely hour playing round after round of snakes and ladders with Amanda and walking the family dog, Barkley. (By now, you are probably screaming out, Sod all this you rambling alien git, where is the bloody sex? Well, unfortunately, you still have to wait for it because the Doctor still feels the need at this point to set the stage for our sexual encounter.)

So, while this is going on, you are still slaving away, never dreaming that my eyes are fixed upon you and your bouncy breasts. Nope, you never dreamed that the most powerful CEO in Britain was eyeing you up and down and fantasizing about having an illicit affair with you. No, you just spent your days typing memos, walking back and forth to the copier, drinking copious amounts of coffee and then peeing in the loo every five minutes because you were drinking the beverage constantly. (Meaningless Doctor ramble number two.) The reason you had to pee so much, Rose, is because the caffeine in the coffee is a diuretic. That means that when you drink it, your kidneys produce more urine than usual with the result that you are in the bathroom twice as much as you normally would be, which of course means you are not at your desk typing memos and letters for me and getting behind in your work. That is why you should drink water instead of coffee or sodas, Rose. You are supposed to drink eight glasses of water a day to keep your skin hydrated and your body functioning properly. (Okay, now you are probably half-asleep like I was because instead of writing a steamy, pornographic story the Doctor chose instead to lecture me on the dangers of caffeine and the importance of drinking water. This is why the man is a Time Lord and not William bloody Shakespeare.)

So, now that I've set the stage for our illicit rendezvous, on with the steamy sex. (You are probably thinking 'bout bloody time'. So was I until I read on.) The night in question when I finally make my move, you were working late catching up on loads of paperwork that piled up after you drank all that coffee and had to go to the loo every five minutes, see previous paragraph for my stern warning to you on engaging in that type of behavior (Roll eyes.) So, there you are working late, busy little bee that you are. (At this point, I braced for a long ramble about why humans chose a bee to be busy, but thankfully, he didn't think of saying anything about that.) I was in my office doing CEO type stuff while a severe thunderstorm raged outside my enormous plate glass window. The lightning bolts hit the ground every few seconds and the illumination from their beautiful savagery bathed my gorgeous body in an angelic radiance. (Wow, lightning bolts must have been striking right outside the bleedin' building if they were doing that to him.) It was then that I looked out the office door, saw you typing and guzzling down coffee and it was at that moment that I experienced a gargantuan erection. (Finally, after pages and pages of rambling, he gets to the point of the story.)

(Okay, now what I think he starts out trying to do is imitate the fanfiction writers he has been reading because he suddenly has all this flowery language that just comes out of left field. Then, the Doctor side of him barges back into the story and he ends up failing miserably at trying to make the whole thing sensual and erotic. One thing I've learned from all this, the man should never write a porn story, ever, ever again or any story come to think of it. Anyway, on to the sex scene he conjured up in his head…)

I rise as quickly as my hardening penis and slink around the desk towards my unsuspecting executive secretary. The thunderstorm produces a cacophony of noise that echoes the loud thumping of my heart in my chest…I only have one heart here, Rose, because I'm a human in this story, just letting you know that so you won't call me on my grammatical error. Anyway, I saunter out the door, my eyes filled with unbridled lust as I watch your bouncing breasts rise and fall with each deep breath you take. I pause at the edge of your desk, carnal thoughts dancing around feverishly in my brain like the night we danced to Glenn Miller in the TARDIS. I stare straight down at your bouncing breasts and think naughty thoughts about squeezing them like I would squeeze a huge pimple on my forehead…I have bad skin, Rose, but you know that already. As I stand there with my crotch tingling and my eyes burning with desire, you finally look up at me with wide, fearful eyes that are reminiscent of a young fawn noticing a human hunter about to shoot her and realizing that she has seconds until she meets her death.

"Miss Fortesque," I say in a deep bass voice.

"Yes?" you say with your wide-eyed, innocent fawn about to die eyes.

"Make love to me!"

(Now in real life, I would tell the Doctor to get away from me with that thing and go take a cold shower, but not here. Nope, in this story I,)

You leap up onto your chair and scream at the top of your lungs,

"TAKE ME, YOU MAGNIFICIENT SPECIMEN OF HUMAN PERFECTION!"

(At this point, I had to make another quick vomit run.)

So Rose, or should I say Miss Fortesque, leaps into my arms like a grasshopper fleeing an overeager kid and wrap your arms around me. Your innocent, fawn about to die eyes have been replaced with a look of total awe at my supremeness and anticipation of the two of us having carnal relations in your squalid, dingy apartment. I would, of course, take you home to my mansion, but Amanda and Barkley are there and wanting to avoid the risk of scarring them for life when they awaken and see daddy in the arms of his young, nubile secretary, I decline and we head off to your roach infested hovel instead. (Gee, Doctor, how noble of you. Roll eyes.)

So we climb into my enormous white stretch limo and head off for shantytown to have sex on your urine stained floor. (I just love how he's made himself out to be the god of this story while I'm reduced to being this pathetic ass kissing waif who is just jumping at the chance to give him a blow job.)

Now, mind you, a man as important as myself normally wouldn't be slumming it at eleven at night, but you are an enchanting minx and I'm willing to risk several infectious diseases from the vermin in your apartment for the chance to make sweet love to you. (Gee Romeo; you certainly have a way with words there.)

Finally, we reach the firetrap that passes for living quarters in this part of town and we get out of my lavish limo. (Now at this point, I'm thinking if I live in that big of a slum, that limo of his will be stripped in two seconds flat the moment we get inside, but no, the Doctor thought of that too.) I turn and push a little red button on the top of the limo and it collapses into a little portable white suitcase that I take with me when we go into the building. (Gotta hand it to the Doctor, he thinks of everything! I guess he figures since the TARDIS is bigger on the inside, then anything can be bigger on the inside.)

So we climb the rickety steps, past sprawled out winos and the decaying corpses of gang members to your modest, but smelly flat. (No comment, that is all I'm gonna say.) You unlock the door and bang on it several times with your shoulder to get it open. Finally the door swings open revealing the musty, moldy hell that you reside in. (At this point I'm thinking, if you are such a big shot CEO and you're so in love with me, then why don't you pay me enough to move somewhere nice, you cheap bastard!)

I hold my breath as I enter…mind you; I'm human in this story so I don't have the luxury of a respiratory bypass system. Therefore, I must breathe in the nauseating urine odor, but I will fight the impulse to run because as I said, you are an enchanting woman who I would like to get to know better. This, Rose, is the sacrifice I'm willing to make to be with you. (Why am I not impressed by that?)

I close the door and set my suitcase limo down by it. You offer me a drink, but seeing as how you only have Mad Dog 20/20 in the fridge, I graciously decline. (Now I had no idea the Doctor even knew of the existence of Mad Dog 20/20 and I'm not going to ask him how he knows because I'm terrified of hearing the answer.) You then pop in a sappy easy listening music CD into your dingy stereo and we instantly disrobe for a night of sex on your floor. Why the floor, you may ask? Well, because your bed is a sleeping bag and a pillow and so it wouldn't make much difference making love on it. (I am so gonna kill him for this.)

Finally, after stripping naked, you lie down on the floor and spread your legs ready to receive the glorious bounty between my thighs.

(Third vomit run.)

I insert my penis into your vagina and begin to move up and down while we both have intercourse. (Jesus, Doctor, this is an erotic story, not stereo instructions.) As you moan and groan, I move in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out ( Oh! I forgot about this bit. I wanted to type out the story exactly as he wrote it, but I have to cut this part down. For some reason he typed the phrase 'in and out' repeatedly for two and a half pages. I don't know if he was trying to show that the sex went on for awhile or maybe he wrote the first 'in and out', got randy from imagining us doing it and his brain locked for two and a half pages, but I'm not about to type out every 'in and out' that he has. Anyway, back to the story.)

Finally, after a couple of hours of vigorous sex, you and I climax, we have an orgasm, and I share my bodily fluids with you. (Why do I feel like I'm in sex ed class when I'm reading this?) You enjoy it immensely because you scream bloody murder, which of course brings the police who think you are being murdered and we have to go hide naked in your closet until they leave…because after all, I'm a CEO, remember, and it wouldn't do for me to be seen naked in your flat by the police. Scandal, you know. And after they do leave, I get my clothes on, thank you graciously for a night of hot sex, grab my suitcase and remind you that the Stepperton letter is due on my desk by nine A.M. I then go out the door, close it behind me and go back to my work-a-holic life.

The End.

There you have it, Rose, my little offering to you. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I don't get to use the right side of my brain that often so it was a rare treat. I look forward to what the right side of your brain conjures up for me.

The Doctor.

_There it is, the Doctor's "erotic" fanfiction, which couldn't even get a raging nymphomaniac off. I suppose it's the thought that counts and he really did try. Once again, the man is a Time Lord for a very, very good reason! So, I guess I'll just have to come up with something in return now and I know he'll be waiting and asking every ten minutes where it is, so I'm signing off for now to go to my room to come up with my story._


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Rose's Blog Entry No. 59…

_Still working on my story, but I just had to pause and get this down because not only was it another example of how the Doctor thinks, but it's also a very interesting comment on how the Doctor views his other lives. It's amazing to me how he can think of his other lives as completely different people and not just himself in other bodies. I guess I can understand why he thinks that way, but still it's odd when he does that. Anyway, it was another quiet day and…_

Rose settled back onto the couch to watch TV. The Doctor was taking a day off to do some much-needed repairs to the TARDIS and Rose had nothing better to do. She sipped her soda while she watched a chat show.

A couple of hours had passed and boredom made Rose sleepy. Her eyelids drooped and she started to nod off. She was almost asleep when she suddenly heard the Doctor calling out her name. She jerked awake and turned her bleary eyes towards the door as the Doctor stuck his head in.

"Oh, there you are," he said smiling.

"Are the repairs done?" Rose asked.

"Nah, not yet," the Doctor said walking up to her. "It's just that while I was working, I suddenly had a thought."

"Only one?" Rose teased.

The Doctor grinned.

"Well, maybe six or seven thoughts," he admitted.

"Yeah? What were you thinking about?"

"Catchphrases."

"Catchphrases?"

"Yes," the Doctor said sitting down beside her. "I was tinkering with the TARDIS and thinking to myself, I really have only one catchphrase I use and that's allons-y."

"What's wrong with that? I thought you liked allons-y."

"I do, but man cannot live on catchphrase alone. I need more so I have a variety of witty witticisms I can use for every occasion."

"Okay and I suppose I have a part to play in all this?"

"You do and that's to be my sounding board. I want to try out some possible catchphrases on you and get your opinion on them."

Rose sighed.

"Doctor, I'm really tired, I was nearly asleep before you came in and I'd really like to go take a nap now."

"But Rose, I need you."

He moved in close to her. Rose stared at his face. His incredibly handsome, boyish, freckly face with the huge, deep brown, puppy dog eyes that silently pleaded with her to go along with this idea. She glanced down when the Doctor began to finger the hem of her dungaree skirt.

"Please, Rose, do this for me," he said to her.

Rose stared at his incredibly handsome, boyish, freckly face with the huge, deep brown, puppy dog eyes that silently pleaded with her to go along with this idea and she felt her heart melt into a pile of red goo that slid down and landed in the bottom of her body.

"Please?" the Doctor said sticking his lower lip out.

Rose glanced down at his fingers playing with the hem of her dungarees.

"I really need your help on this," the Doctor whispered in her ear.

Rose's breath caught in her throat. Her lungs joined her heart and she found herself nodding dumbly.

"You will?"

Rose nodded.

"Oh! Thank you, Rose, you are one in a million!" he said to her.

He paused and looked down at her knee. A devilish grin spread over his face as he ran his finger down her leg.

"You know what I heard, Rose," he murmured in her ear.

Rose swallowed hard.

"What," she said trying to keep her composure.

"I heard an interesting little thing about the knee," he said as his finger ran down her kneecap.

He paused just under it and put his fingers on the side of her knee.

"I heard if you squeeze just under the knee," he murmured.

He squeezed and Rose yelped as she jerked her leg away. The Doctor giggled.

"Well, whadda you know, you're boy crazy, Rose Tyler."

He winked at her and put his arm around her.

"Now, I thought up a few while I was working and I just want to know what you think. So be honest," he said.

"Alright, fire away," Rose said.

"Okay, here goes," the Doctor said.

He cleared his throat and pointed towards the door.

"BANANA'S PAJAMAS, ROSE, IT'S A DALEK!" he screamed with mock terror.

Rose frowned.

"Banana's pajamas?" she said.

The Doctor grinned.

"Yeah, I thought it was cute. Plus, I love that show Bananas in Pajamas. You ever see that show, Rose. Big bananas wearing pajamas, brilliant!"

"I don't like it," Rose said.

The Doctor gave her a shocked look.

"Why not?"

"Because it's strange and goofy, Doctor. I don't want to be in the middle of some battle and hear you screaming Banana's Pajamas. It'll distract me."

The Doctor snorted.

"Well, Rose, if that can distract you then you need to learn how to focus more," he said.

"Just…go on to the next catchphrase," Rose said.

"Okay…how about…BY THE CONSTELLATION OF KASTERBOROUS!"

Rose frowned.

"Constellation of Kasterborous. Where's that?"

"That was where Gallifrey was located."

"I've never heard of it."

The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"That figures," he muttered.

"Oi!"

He cleared his throat when he saw the murderous look on her face.

"Okay, how about…I am the Oncoming Storm, fear me!"

"Nah, that's stupid. It makes you sound like an idiot."

The Doctor shot her a look.

"You wanted my honest opinion!"

The Doctor sighed.

"Okay, then, how about…Time's gone all wibbly wobbly, Rose, we must put it right!"

Rose frowned.

"Wibbly wobbly?" she said.

"Yeah, it's how I view time. It's just a big ol' wibbly wobbly mess."

"Only you would think of it that way," Rose muttered.

The Doctor sighed.

"Fine, how about this for times when my monitor readout goes all wonky…SOMEONE'S THROWN A SPANNER IN THE SCANNER, ROSE!"

Rose thought for a moment.

"I do like that one, it's kinda cute. Although, how many times are you gonna be able to use it?"

"Well, that's why I'm building up an assortment of phrases so I can use them on different occasions."

"Oh okay, well, keep that one then. I like it."

The Doctor grinned.

"Keep spanner in the scanner," he said. "Good, moving on then, how about…This spot we're in is tighter than Cassandra's face."

Rose giggled.

"I like that one too," she said.

The Doctor beamed.

"Two in a row, fantastic!"

"Wait, why don't you use that again? You used to say fantastic all the time," Rose said.

"Yes, well that was the catchphrase of my ninth life," the Doctor said sniffing.

"So?"

"So, I'm not my ninth incarnation anymore."

"So?"

"So, I don't use the catchphrases that my other lives used," the Doctor said indignantly. "I no longer use I must reverse the polarity of the neutron flow or would you like a jelly baby or UNSTABLE or I swear to Rassilon, Ace, if you call me Professor one more time I will beat you to death with my umbrella or shut your gob, Tegan or Do you have to sit with your legs sprawled out like that, Jamie or For Rassilon's sake, Ian and Barbara, get a room, will ya or Hey, baby, ever been shagged by a half human? Those are the catchphrases of completely different men and I won't use anything they used. I am me and they are we and that's all there is to it."

"You really don't like your other lives, do ya?"

"I liked my fifth life and in fact I modeled a lot of myself on him. But the others were absolute rubbish!" the Doctor said waving his hand dismissively. "Good riddance to the lot of them."

"Not even your ninth life?"

"Nah, man was far too moody and sullen for my taste. A killjoy if ever I saw one."

He looked at her when he noticed her getting upset at that.

"Why? Did you really like him that much?" he asked her.

"Well, yeah, I mean he was you," Rose said.

"Yes, but don't you like me better?" the Doctor asked. "Aren't I a lot more fun to be around than he was? I mean, I understand he was the one you traveled with first and I know you grew fond of him, but come on, the man could make a hyena depressed. He was just so…dull."

Rose shook her head.

"What? He was, I'm sorry, Rose if it upsets you to hear that, but I'm just stating a fact. Surely you weren't that blind that you didn't see how moody he was."

"Yes, I get what you're saying, but the fact is, he is you. I mean you pointed that out when you first regenerated in front of me. It's just weird hearing you talk about your other life like it's a completely separate person."

"He is a completely separate person," the Doctor said. "He had a completely different body, a different personality, accent, way of dressing, height, weight, everything. You think it's weird that I think of him as a different person, I think it's weird that you think of him as me, because he's nothing like me. I told you I got more in common with my fifth life than I do with him. And frankly, I get upset thinking about how my ninth life acted with you. Calling you a stupid ape and all, you are hardly stupid and you are more than an ape. I hope to Rassilon that I never meet him because I will ring his neck for that. Stupid ape, indeed."

Rose stared at him.

"That really upsets you, doesn't it. That you…he…said that."

"Yes, it does. It's extremely disrespectful and callous especially considering you saved him from the Nestene Consciousness. If it wasn't for you, he would have been dead and there wouldn't have been a me. That's why when I came along, I made a conscious decision not to call you that. You are not a stupid ape, Rose, and I'm sorry my predecessor thought so."

Rose smiled.

"Well, thank you for not doing that," she said. "I hated when he did it especially since I was trying my best to make you proud of you."

The Doctor smiled.

"Well, tell you the truth, he was proud of you, Rose, but he had trouble expressing it. I, on the other hand, have no trouble. You make me proud every moment of every day and I want you to remember that."

Rose smiled and leaned her head against his. He took her hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Now see, I am the better man, aren't I?"

"Yeah, you are. At least you're more zany. I doubt if the other Doctor would be coming in here wanting me to help him pick out catchphrases to use."

"See, I'm much more fun to be around," the Doctor replied. "Not to mention younger, handsomer, stronger, more dashing, smarter, wittier, sillier, happier---"

"Okay, okay, I get the picture! You're the best incarnation of the Doctor that there ever was!" Rose said laughing.

"Too right I am!"

"And when you regenerate, the next Doctor will say the same thing about himself and the one after that and the one after that!"

"Yeah, but they'll all be a bunch of daft liars who won't know what they're talking about! There's only one perfect ten and that's me!"

"You'll also will be known as the Doctor with the biggest ego too."

"Hey, I can't help it if I'm completely, absolutely, fabulously, awesomely, brilliant," the Doctor said shrugging.

Rose laughed and leaned up against him. After a moment, she leaned her head back up.

"Wait, you had a companion who called you Professor?" she asked.

The Doctor rolled her eyes.

"Yes, her name was Ace. Well, her real name was Dorothy, but she would beat the living daylights out of you if you called her that, so she insisted on being called Ace," he said.

"Why did she call you that?"

"Some nickname she came up with. I guess she thought of me more as a teacher than a traveling companion and I did try to teach her about the universe the same way I taught you so I guess I can see why she thought it up. All in all, I wish she hadn't thought of it because it drove me crazy sometimes when she would use it instead of my real name. She and I fought a lot over little things like that. She was very headstrong, thought she had to protect me every minute as if I was a helpless little kid and she always took that damned Nitro 9 with her wherever she went even when I asked her not to. She had a lot of issues she had to work out. I cared for her like I care for all my companions, but it was pretty rough having her with me in the TARDIS sometimes."

Rose listened quietly. The Doctor rarely mentioned his other companions, so she was afraid to speak for fear he would stop talking about this Ace. She had liked Sarah Jane and once she had found out there had been others, she had wanted to know about them, but the Doctor seemed as hesitant to talk about them as he was to talk about himself. Rose had to admit that was another difference between him and her other Doctor, her other Doctor would never have answered her question. He would have told her that it was none of her business and switch to something else. She had to admit that this Doctor was easier to get along with and talk to and although she still missed her other Doctor sometimes, she wouldn't trade this one for the world.

The Doctor patted her knee.

"Well, you know what, I'm a little hungry and you mentioned you were sleepy so why don't we talk about catchphrases later."

"You sure? I mean, I can sit here and go through some more catchphrases if you want."

"Nah, that was all I came up with anyway, I have to think up some more. I'll let you have a nice, quiet afternoon and I'll go back to repairing the TARDIS."

"Well, call me if there's a spanner in the scanner then," Rose said.

Her heart did a flip-flop when she saw the delighted look on his face.

"Indeed I will, Rose Tyler, and you can help me fix it so we don't get in a spot that's as tight as Cassandra's face."

Rose giggled. The Doctor gave her an affectionate peck on the cheek and with a sigh, rose from the couch. Rose stared at him with love in her eyes as he sauntered out of the room.

_The longer I travel with the Doctor, the more and more I'm learning about him and how he views himself and his other lives. It's interesting to me to hear what he thinks about his past selves and how critical he can be of them even though all of these lives are part of the same man. It makes me even more thankful that he found me and asked me to go along with him. He can be infuriating at times, but he's also such a fascinating person. Not only with the way he views himself, but just the fact that he's seen and done so much in his 901 years. The comment about this Ace wanting to protect him all the time struck home since I've started to do that as well. I can see how the Doctor would be irritated by it, but there's just something about him…this vulnerability and this childlike innocence that is just below the surface and it just makes you want to protect him. I don't know about his other companions, but as for me, I would die for the Doctor in a heartbeat and I never felt that way about anybody before I met him. I remember that quote from the first Shrek movie about ogres being like onions and the Doctor is the same way. There are many layers to him and I'm sure as long as I live I'll never peel back them all. He can be a pest but he is also a joy to be around and I know that I will never leave him voluntarily and if, God forbid, I am parted from him, I will fight tooth and nail to get back to him because the man is worth it. _

_Well, I guess I better go work on that story of mine since the Doctor has started asking about it. I guess the man is wanting a giggle, but I'll try my best to write something passable. Anyway, I'll talk to you later when I have something else to say. _


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: This chapter is rated M for sexual situations. This is Rose's attempt at porn fanfic, so if you aren't interested in this kind of thing, then wait around for the next chapter.

Chapter Eleven

Rose's Blog Entry No. 60…

_Okay, this was an extremely weird and uncomfortable thing for me to do, but I finally managed to put something together. Don't get me wrong, I love the Doctor, and I would love to have sex with him, but at the moment, it just seems like a distant fantasy. I'm not sure if the Doctor is physically interested in me, and this is his way of getting off without actually having to do it, or if he just wanted to see my writing skills when he asked me to do this, but I gave it my best shot, and I'm finally satisfied with the result. Now, mind you, I did go online and read a few smutty stories to get a feel for what's in them. What I read was eye opening, and frankly, I found myself getting off on a few of them too. I suddenly see why the Doctor is so taken with them. Anyway, I tried to write a humorous story since it was odd imagining the Doctor and me in a serious sexual situation. I happened to find a few Star Wars fanfiction that were kinda bizarre, and funny, and I modeled my story after them, as well as taking a cue from the Doctor's own fanfic. The result of my efforts is below. Entered here, just like the Doctor's fanfiction, so it can be saved in my blog forever._

_Oh, and I kinda guessed at what the Doctor was wanting to see when he read this, so I exaggerated a bunch of things in the story. So, if something seems odd about the way we act, that's for the purposes of this story._

_Oh, and I also I'd like to thank the thesaurus I found in the TARDIS library for helping me find some helpful words that make my story sound a little less amateurish._

_And now, on with the story…_

"I sentence you to execution at dawn," Commander Harzakulu said, to the Doctor and Rose, as they stood in front of his throne.

The Doctor stood defiantly in front of him, his bare, muscular chest glistening with sweat, while Rose, his faithful companion, stood behind him, cowering, wearing nothing except a bright red bra and thong.

"I will stop you!" the Time Lord bellowed, while he struck a heroic pose.

Harzakulu laughed an evil laugh that thundered throughout the throne room. Rose whimpered, and clung to the Doctor's leg, as she looked up at him, beseeching him to protect her from the maniac in front of them. The Doctor looked down at her, and smiled, as he gave her a loving pat on the head.

"Do not fear, my beloved, I shall save you from certain, horrible, painful death."

"Oh, Doctor, you are my hero," Rose gushed. "You are everything to me. I cannot breathe unless you are in the same room. I know you will save me from a painful, horrible death that seems virtually inescapable."

The Doctor puffed out his chest, showing off his huge, muscular Arnold Schwarzenegger chest to Harzakulu and his guards.

"Nothing is inescapable, Rose," he said. "I will find a way to free us from certain doom, just as I always do. So, foul fiend, do your very worst!"

The Doctor let out a mocking laugh that rivaled Harzakulu's for complete cheesiness. Harzakulu turned red in the face at that and ordered his guards to drag them off to the dungeon.

"No!" Rose screamed, as she clung tighter to the Doctor's massive, muscular leg. "Doctor, I beg you, don't let them throw us in the scary dungeon."

"Have courage, Rose," the Doctor said, striking another heroic pose. "I will free us, just like I always do. But, for the moment, we have no choice! We must surrender ourselves and buy precious time, while I think up a fiendishly clever escape plan that no one will see coming in a trillion, billion years."

The Doctor helped the trembling Rose to her feet. They allowed themselves to be taken by the guards to the big, scary dungeon while Harzakulu taunted them and boasted at the top of his voice about finally defeating the last of the Time Lords, and how he would go down in history for killing the Doctor, and other things like that.

The guards opened the old, iron door and threw the Doctor and Rose inside. They tumbled in, arse over teakettle, and landed on their backs in the middle of dirty, disease infested, rat-ridden straw. The Doctor stood up and shook his fist, shouting to the heavens about how they would pay for treating his magnificence like a piece of dirt. Rose clung to his leg and gave the guards terrified looks, praying that they wouldn't come inside the room and separate her from the man she loved.

The guards slammed the door, and the Doctor yelled something along the lines of how dare they shut the door while he was talking, they would pay for that insult too. Meanwhile, Rose had crawled to the back of the cell and huddled in the corner, whimpering pitifully.

The Doctor saw his cowering companion, and his enraged expression instantly became a look of complete love and devotion.

"Oh, my pooky bear, you mustn't be afraid," he said, running to her and embracing her cringing body. "I am here; take comfort that I have been allowed to be with you tonight."

Rose looked at him with huge, doe eyes, and the cringing stopped. She knew as long as he was with her, guarding her very life, she had no reason to fear. His complete and utter courage in the face of overwhelming odds gave her reason to hope that somehow they would escape the dungeon of death and make it back to the TARDIS before they were plunged into boiling oil and fed to the dogs.

For the next half hour, the Doctor paced around the cramped, dark dungeon looking for a way of escape while Rose sat in the corner, looking at him with awe and thanking God for the quintillionth time that he had permitted her to travel with him.

Suddenly, he threw up his hands and let out a roar of frustration.

"IT'S NO USE, THIS CELL IS FOOLPROOF!" he screamed. "THERE IS NO WAY OF ESCAPING IT!"

Upon hearing that, Rose burst into tears. The Doctor skipped over to her and gathered her trembling, waif-like body into his massive, muscular arms.

"Shhhh, it's alright, I will go first in the morning," he said, nobly.

"But, Doctor, that means I will have to watch you die first. Let me go first, so I can be spared that torment."

"No, I will not allow that! Seeing you in agony will tear my hearts in two. I will go first."

"But, I will die when I see you boiled to a crisp in the oil. Let me go first."

"No, my brave, selfless Rose, I will go first."

"No, me."

"No, me."

"No, me."

"No, me."

"I can't let you."

"No, I can't let you. I will go first."

"No, me."

"No, me."

After two hours of saying, "No, me." to each other, the Doctor and Rose decided that they would plunge their bodies into the boiling oil at the same time, and die together in each other's arms. Having settled that problem, both of them stopped talking and stared at the door, awaiting their certain demise in the morning.

As the night stretched on, Rose became more terrified knowing that in a few short hours, they would both be fried like chips. The thought of that made Rose weep, which instantly alarmed the Doctor, and he held her to his muscular body so tightly, she could barely breathe.

"It's alright, my butter biscuit, I'm here, remember," he said, soothingly.

Rose swallowed, knowing that there wasn't much time left. So many unsaid things that needed to be said before they met their oily death.

"Doctor, there are so many unsaid things that need to be said before I meet my oily death," Rose said.

The Doctor leaned his face up and gave Rose his full attention. After all, she grew up virtually ignored, having to compete with Jackie Tyler's big screechy, gossipy voice, and since he loved her more than anything in the entire known universe, he was going to be respectful, listen to her, and give each word careful consideration before replying because, after all, he was far better than human beings.

"Yes, my Rose, what is it you need to say? You can say anything you want, I will listen carefully to you, and give you the respect you deserve."

"Oh, Doctor, thank you so much. It's a relief to be heard after growing up with my mum, and being constantly drowned out by her."

"Think nothing of it, Rose. It's the least I can do to boost your non-existent self-esteem. Now, what do you want to tell me?"

Rose hesitated. After all, what she was about to say could change their lives forever. What if the Doctor found a way out before they were burnt to a crisp. Would she be able to live with herself and the consequences of what she was about to say.

Then, she figured, to hell with it and opened her mouth.

"Doctor…"

There was a long, dramatic pause while the Doctor waited patiently for her to finish her thought.

"I love you."

The Doctor's face lit up, and he embraced Rose tenderly.

"Rose, that's wonderful to hear," he said. "Because, oddly enough, I love you too!"

With that, the barriers between them were shattered and both of them shoved their tongues into each other's mouths. They snogged so hard, they swore they could taste each other's brains. Caught in the heat of passion, the Doctor ripped off Rose's clothes, which didn't take much time considering she was wearing only a bra and a thong, and he tore his trousers and knickers from his body with one fluid motion. Then, he threw her back in the filthy straw and rammed his immense penis into her with so much force; Rose swore it would come back out her mouth. Then, he moved up and down gently, taking his time, exploring this new facet of his relationship with Rose. After all, if they were going to be fried like chicken in a few hours, they might as well take their time and enjoy themselves. The Doctor stared at Rose intently, savoring the reaction he was having on her. He enjoyed the idea that his immense cock was making her moan like an obscene phone caller, and his enormous ego went through the dungeon roof, up through the throne room, and out into the sky where it finally bumped into the next nearest planet, several hundred light years away.

After awhile, he began to speed up his motion, since he calculated they only had an hour or so until death spirited them away into the great beyond, and he didn't want to meet his maker until he made his beloved scream. Faster, and faster, and harder, and harder, the Time Lord thrust into her like a pneumatic drill.

Then, it happened. The final thrust, and the Doctor came into her, giving her his precious essence. Rose bellowed along with the Doctor, and the walls shook, and the flowers bloomed, and fireworks shot off, and the dogs howled, and the cats meowed, and the seas parted, and the Slitheen farted, and the Jagrafess blew up, and the door in Adam's head flew open, and hundreds of angels floated down from Heaven and hovered in the sky, as they sang their praises to the Doctor and his sexual prowess. After that, the Doctor and Rose collapsed into each other's arms.

"That…was incredible," Rose said, in a breathless voice.

"Yeah, it was, wasn't it?"

The Doctor looked through the tiny, barred window of their prison and saw the sky lightening. Knowing they had minutes left to live, he leaped up and ran, starkers, to the door, determined to protect his beloved at all costs. He grabbed hold of the door, preparing himself to jump the guards when they came through, and to his surprise, the door came open with a tiny creak. The Doctor stared at it in confusion for a moment, and then, a magnificent thought occurred to him.

"Hmm, I guess the guards forgot to lock the door on the way out," he said, shrugging.

He ran over, grabbed Rose's hand, and the two of them sprinted down the hallway in their birthday suits. Luckily, all the guards were on their coffee break, and they got out of the palace and ran back to the TARDIS before anyone knew they were missing. They burst through the front doors, closed them, and quickly got the TARDIS into the vortex before both of them hurried off to the shower for some more fun.

THE END.

_And, there it is, my fanfiction. I realize it's not that erotic, but like I said, I was very uncomfortable writing it, which is why I chose to make a joke out of it. I also over exaggerated the Doctor and me, but hey, he did the same thing in his fanfiction, so turnabout is fair play. I gave him the story about a half hour ago, and so far, he hasn't come in the den to comment on it. I suppose I better go and check to see what's up with that. Plus, I am kinda curious to hear his reaction. So, until next time, this is Rose signing off._

"Doctor? You in here?" Rose said, walking into the console room.

She froze. Standing by the console was the Doctor and Jack. Her mouth dropped open when she saw Jack was reading her story and laughing hysterically at it. The Doctor smiled at her.

"Oh, there you are, Rose. Great story, I have to say. I thought it was so good, I landed at Torchwood and got Jack in here, so he could read it."

"This is great, Rose, you gotta write one for me and Ianto."

He looked at the Doctor.

"I love the references to your big, muscular chest."

"So, do I, and the fact that she's whimpering, and cowering, and dressed in her knickers."

"Oh yeah, that was the best part, her in her knickers. You know, the next time you two get captured, you need to recreate this."

"Well, then, you and Ianto need to be with us, and we can all recreate it together."

Jack grinned from ear to ear.

"Now…that….is an idea," he said, pointing at the Doctor. "Let me get Ianto, and all of us can get captured on purpose. How 'bout it, Rose. Rose?"

They looked over and noticed Rose was no longer in the room. The Doctor sighed.

"On second thought, cancel that, Jack. I have a feeling I just did the wrong thing, and I'm gonna be spending the next hundred years making it up to her."

"Hey, she'll get over it, she always does. But, thanks so much for sharing this with me. I love it. I hope she writes more," he said, handing the story back to him.

"Somehow, I doubt that, Jack."

"Ah, well, maybe I need to try my hand at it, or get Ianto to do it. he's better at writing than I am. Anyway, back to work, I guess. I'll talk to you later…butter biscuit."

"You too…pooky bear."

The two of them giggled hysterically. Jack waved at him, stepped out of the TARDIS, and went back to work in the Hub. The Doctor got the TARDIS back into the vortex, and sighed, as he figured out how he was going to placate Rose this time.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Rose's Blog Entry No. 64…

_You know, traveling around with the Doctor through time and space is such a unique experience, I sometimes forget that the Doctor might not be the only one who can do it. Which is what this blog entry is all about. Because we actually did meet fellow time travelers…and they were not like the Doctor at all. It all started the other day when the TARDIS made a wrong turn and ended up in a forest in the Stone Age…_

"Okay, so why are we here?" Rose asked, as she and the Doctor stepped outside the TARDIS.

The Doctor scratched his head.

"Um…your guess is as good as mine."

"This isn't where you wanted to go?"

The Doctor walked around behind the TARDIS while he took a gander at their surroundings.

"Um…no. I was trying to take us to the Rigan Music Festival. And…this is definitely not Riga. In fact, it looks a lot like…."

He watched as an enormous six-foot dragonfly zoomed by.

"Prehistoric Earth," he added, "which is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off from where I wanted to go. Still, I suppose we can just hop back in and…Rose?"

The Doctor went around to the front of the TARDIS and noticed Rose was nowhere in sight. He frowned, leaned inside the TARDIS, and checked to see if she had gone back in. He didn't see her and leaned back out.

"Rose! You better not have gotten captured by a monster this early because I'm definitely not ready!"

He sighed and put his hands on his hips.

"You know, I need to act on my original idea of installing a GPS chip in her head."

Just then, Rose came running through the trees.

"Ah, there you are. I was just about to go get the GPS chip, and a scalpel, and…"

"Doctor, come here, you have to see this!"

"What? You found a monster, faithful friend?"

"No, I found a phone booth, dorky Doctor!"

The Doctor eyed her.

"I will overlook that snide remark and come with you instead," he said, "lead the way to the phone booth."

Rose took his head and guided him through the trees. Sure enough, several feet away in a clearing, there was a phone booth. The Doctor's eyes widened. Sitting outside the phone booth were several people. Even more disturbing, he recognized the occupants. All of them were famous.

"Rose, do you know who these people are?" he said to her.

Rose frowned. She scrutinized the strangers. She recognized one of them and her mouth dropped open.

"Is that…Abraham Lincoln?" she asked, pointing.

"Yes, and Socrates, and Beethoven, and Genghis Kahn, and Billy the Kid, and Joan of Arc, and Sigmund Freud."

"What are they doing here?"

"I don't know, but I don't like this. Apparently, someone has concocted a nefarious plan to kidnap famous people."

By this time, everyone had spotted them. The Doctor and Rose watched as they talked amongst themselves, and then Billy the Kid stood up. He drew his guns from his holsters and pointed it their way. The Doctor and Rose's hands flew up.

"Who might you be, pardner?" he asked.

"Um…I'm the Doctor and this is Rose Tyler. You are Billy the Kid?"

He realized he had just said the wrong thing when Billy drew back the hammers on the guns.

"Yeah, what's it to ya?"

"It's nothing to us, really. Rose and I are just passing through. How about you? Why are you guys sitting outside a phone booth in the middle of the Stone Age?"

Billy released the hammers and put the guns away.

"We're waiting here for Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and Ted Theodore Logan," he said.

The Doctor glanced at Rose.

"Who are they?"

"They're our friends. They're taking us back to San Dimas, California, so we can see the city."

The Doctor was completely confused.

"These people are taking all of you to California, so you can see a city? Why?"

"Something 'bout a report," Billy said, shrugging.

The Doctor mouthed, "report?" to himself. He scanned the area.

"Is…uh…this Bill and Ted around here now?" he asked.

Billy shrugged.

"If they are, they went off that-a-way," he said, pointing off to his right.

"Fine, thanks, nice to meet you…again. Um…you and your buddies just…hang out here and Rose and I will meet your…friends and get things sorted out. Then, we'll give you guys a ride back to your own times. Now, if you'll excuse us…"

He and Rose gave him a wide berth and ran past.

"This is bad. If this Bill and Ted kidnap these people and take them to California, it could seriously disrupt history. We have to find them fast!" the Doctor said to her.

As it turned out, they didn't have to go very far. They climbed the top of a hill and saw the two of them at the bottom, arguing amongst themselves.

"Bill, you sure you wanna bag another historical figure? We already got enough for our report, and extra credit. Besides, dude, I don't think the booth is gonna hold up much longer. We just fixed the antenna, you know."

"Yes. But, Ted, we gotta make sure we pass our history exam so your dad doesn't send you off to Oates Military Academy. It's not gonna matter if we take one more person."

"Actually, I beg to differ. It does matter…a lot!"

The two teenagers spun around and noticed a tall, gangly man and a beautiful young blonde glaring at them as they came down the hill. Their eyes fell on the blonde and then fell even further to her breasts.

"Whoa, Bill, check out the savory babe!"

"Yeah, she's totally hot!" Bill replied, "but, what's she and the thin dude doing here?"

"I don't know. Maybe they got a phone booth too."

"Oh yeah. Excellent, dude, fellow time travelers!"

The Doctor raised his eyebrow when they turned and did a quick air guitar. They ogled Rose for a moment and then with huge grins on their faces, they walked up to her.

"How's it going, gorgeous babe?" Bill said, "I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire."

"And I'm Ted Theodore Logan."

They looked at each other.

"And we are…WYLD STALLYNS!"

The Doctor rolled his eyes when they did another round of air guitar and gave each other dopey smiles. He glanced at Rose, who was completely unimpressed with them. Clearing his throat, he decided to take control of the situation.

"Excuse me…Wyld Stallyns; is that your phone booth back there?"

"Yeah, isn't it just bodacious?" Ted said.

"Um…yeah…listen, um….did you…kidnap all those famous people in it?"

"We didn't kidnap them, skinny British dude, we just borrowed them." Ted said, indignantly.

"Uh huh, and you are taking them to San Dimas for a report of some kind?"

"Yeah," Bill said, happily.

"What kind of report?"

"History report, dude!" Ted said.

The Doctor was taken aback.

"Excuse me, but where do you two come from?"

"San Dimas," Bill said.

"Yeah, yeah, I know that, But, when?"

They gave him a blank look. The Doctor sighed.

"What year was it when you left San Dimas?" he said, patronizingly.

"Um…1988." Ted said.

"Okay, good, so you are from the year 1988, San Dimas, California. Good, now we're getting somewhere. Now…next question, where did you get the ability to time travel?"

"From Rufus, dude," Ted said.

The Doctor glanced at Rose.

"Rufus," he said, "and he is…"

They gave him blank looks.

"Who is Rufus?" the Doctor said, annoyed.

Bill and Ted glanced at each other.

"Dunno, dude, he's from the future. That's all we know about him," Bill said.

"Okay, so…Rufus from the future gave you a phone booth that travels through time so you could go kidnap famous people and take them back to San Dimas, California for a history report, right?"

"Right on, skinny dude!" Ted said, happily.

"Has it ever occurred to you to just open your history books and write a report that way?"

They shook their heads.

"We can't do that, dude. We're in danger of flunking most heinously," Bill said, "and if we do, Ted's dad will send him to military school and there'll be no more band."

"Mmmm, yes, tragic," the Doctor muttered, "well, as much as I'd hate to see you go to military school, you just can't pop around history and pull people out of their time streams."

He sighed when the blank looks returned to their faces.

"You can't force people to be in your stupid history report!" he said.

"But, if we flunk out of history class, the band will break up!" Ted protested.

"Yeah, Wyld Stallyns can't break up. We need to stay together so we can make a triumphant video, so Eddie Van Halen will join our band."

The Doctor took several long, slow, calming breaths.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I really can't let you do this. I'm sorry your band will break up, but these people need to go back where they came from."

"Then…let us have the babe if you're gonna take them back!" Ted said, pointing to Rose.

"Hell, no, I'm not gonna go anywhere with you lot!" Rose said.

"Come on, babe. Come with us and see San Dimas," Bill said.

"Yeah, and then when you tell everyone what you think of it, we'll bring you back to snooty dude here."

The Doctor stepped in front of her.

"No, the "babe" will not be going anywhere with you. The "snooty dude," as you put it, will not allow it."

"Well, then how about you?" Bill asked.

"No, I'm not going anywhere with you either."

"Well, what are we supposed to do?" Ted said.

"How about you get in your phone booth, go home, lay off the marijuana, study, write out a reaaaaaaaally good report, and pass your class. Quit snatching people out of time and making them cover your lazy little butts."

"But, Rufus is the one who gave us the idea!" Bill protested.

"Yeah, and he gave us the phone booth. Besides, we gotta get back home. My little brother is looking after Napoleon, and…"

"Wait a moment, you have Napoleon too?"

Bill and Ted glanced at each other.

"Um…yeah, well, that was an accident, dude!" Ted said, quickly, "Rufus was showing us how the booth works and we went and saw Napoleon and he came back with us and now my little brother, Deacon, is…"

"Where is your house?" the Doctor cut in.

Ted frowned.

"My…house?"

"Yes, what is the address of your house?"

"Why you wanna know?" Ted said, warily.

The Doctor thought.

"I wanna meet Napoleon. I've…always wanted to meet him!" he said, feigning excitement.

Bill and Ted grinned.

"Awesome, dude, if you two come back with us, maybe we can all party!"

"Um…yeah, party," the Doctor muttered, "So, tell you what, you go to your house and we'll follow you in our…phone booth, and then we'll have a greeeeeeeeeeeat big party!"

"AWESOME!"

The Doctor looked at Rose and shook his head when they did another joint air guitar. He leaned in to her ear.

"This, Rose, is why the Time Lords didn't trust just anyone with time travel."

"Well, this Rufus…maybe he's a Time Lord, then?" Rose whispered back.

The Doctor took a long, hard look at Bill and Ted.

"I seriously doubt it, Rose. Somehow I can't see anyone, let alone a Time Lord, giving the power of time travel to a couple of stoners."

Rose put her hand over her mouth, stifling her giggles, as the Doctor leaned back up and gave the two teenagers a polite smile.

"Well, let's get going then. Don't wanna miss the big party with all the famous blokes, eh?"

Bill and Ted looked at each other.

"Actually, dude, we changed our minds," Bill said.

"Yeah, we still don't trust you!"

The Doctor sighed. He decided to drop all pretenses.

"Look, you either surrender the people you stole to me, or I'm gonna take you and your booth and lock them up in a cell on my TARDIS. Then, I'm gonna take you back to San Dimas without the booth, so I can make damn sure you don't do this again, and…"

He was cut off when someone hit him and Rose on the back of their heads. They fell forward, as Socrates and Billy the Kid grinned at Bill and Ted and dropped the rocks they were holding.

"So-crates and I were listenin' and we figured you two were in trouble, so we thought we'd come rescue ya," Billy said, smugly.

"Yeah, well, he was gonna ruin everything!" Ted said, angrily.

"Yeah, he was gonna take you all back before you saw San Dimas," Bill added.

Billy grinned.

"Well, we can't have that. So, we'll just leave these two varmints here and by the time they wake up, we'll be long gone!"

Bill and Ted looked at each other, smiled and nodded vigorously. They started to walk past them when Ted stopped and stared at Rose.

"You think we oughta bag the babe, though?"

"No, I don't think so, Ted. Let's just leave her and geeky dude alone. They're too much trouble. 'Sides, we gotta get back to San Dimas before it's too late."

Ted nodded.

"Catch ya later, geeky dude!" he said to the Doctor's unconscious body.

They gave each other an air guitar and hurried back towards the booth.

"Come on, So-crates," Billy said, gesturing to his friend.

Socrates nodded. He paused by the Doctor's body for a moment. With an evil grin, he gave him a swift kick in the ribs.

"Geek!" he said to him.

Chortling, he quickly hurried off.

_By the time we woke up, they were gone. Needless to say, the Doctor is extremely angry and I've been avoiding him for the moment until he calms down. He did go and check on the people they kidnapped and I guess they were returned, since according to the Doctor, nothing was amiss. That helped to soothe his anger a bit, but still, I think I'll be back here avoiding him for a couple of hours or at least until he stops ranting to anyone who'll listen about how two stoner teenagers outsmarted him. _


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

Rose's Blog Entry No. 68…

_As you've probably guessed by now, the Doctor is an extremely complex man. On the one hand, he's extremely smart, resourceful and brave. He can out-think the average person without even breaking a sweat and he'll charge headlong into a battle without any thought for life or limb. _

_But, there's another side to him. A childish side. Given the chance, he will tell anyone within earshot how superior he is to everyone else. But, I swear to God, the man acts like such a kid sometimes. Like earlier today, for instance. The TARDIS was flying through the vortex, the Doctor was making repairs, and I decided to lay down for a nap. I had just woken up from it when…_

Rose gasped when she felt the TARDIS land.

"Doctor?" she yelled. "What's going on? Why have we landed?"

There was no response, so Rose hurried out of the room in search of him. She reached the console room just in time to see the Doctor closing the front door behind him.

"Doctor!" Rose yelled, running to it.

She flung open the door half-expecting to see a bloody battle raging in front of her. Instead, she watched while the Doctor ran across the street to a McDonalds.

"Get a sudden Big Mac attack, Doctor?" she muttered.

Closing the door, she followed him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

By the time she got inside the McDonalds, the Doctor was in line with one person standing between him and the teenager behind the counter. Rose got in line behind him, watching while he bounced up and down impatiently.

"Come on, come on, gotta get back before Rose wakes up," he said to himself.

Rose's eyes narrowed. Folding her arms over her chest, she watched while the man in front of him got his food and went to find somewhere to sit. The Doctor walked to the counter.

"May I help you, sir?" the teen said.

"Yes, I'd like a Big Mac meal with a coke and…"

He leaned in.

"What Teeny Beanie Baby do you have this week?" he said.

Rose blinked. She watched, shocked, while the teen reached under the counter, brought out a small plastic bag, and looked at the Beanie Baby inside.

"Um…the elephant," he said, showing him the bag.

The Doctor beamed.

"PEANUT! OH, BRILLIANT! I DON'T HAVE PEANUT YET!" he yelled.

Rose glanced around and noticed that several people were giving the Doctor odd looks. She looked at the teen and noticed he looked like he wanted to sink through the floor.

"Um…does that mean you want it?" the teen said.

"Yes, I want it. I want the Big Mac meal and Peanut, to go."

"Do you want the kid's meal as well?"

The Doctor gave him a patronizing look.

"Of course not, I'm not a kid, am I?"

"Um, no…you're not."

Rose rolled her eyes while the teen opened a sack and waited on his order. While he did that, the Doctor studied a banner hanging from the wall, looking at the Teeny Beanie Babies pictured on it.

"Have that one," he muttered to himself, "have that one, have that one, have that one…Oh!"

He clicked his fingers trying to get the teen's attention. The man walked back to the counter.

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you have Chocolate the Moose too?" the Doctor said.

The teen gave him an odd look.

"No, sir," he said.

"Well, when are you gonna have him? Or, did you already have him?"

"We already had him."

"When? How long ago?"

The teen sighed.

"Three weeks ago, sir."

"Ah, so what you're telling me is if I go back in time three weeks from this exact point, I will be able to get Chocolate the Moose?"

Rose groaned and put her head in her hand when the teen's eyes grew almost as wide as his face. She looked through her fingers and noticed the man was looking at the Doctor as if he were a serial killer about to slit his throat.

"I…I guess so, sir," he said.

The Doctor grinned.

"Brilliant! I'll do that then."

The teen nodded, backed up, and quickly grabbed his food. Rose looked around, ran behind a partition, and ducked down while the Doctor paid the teen, thanked him, and grabbed the bag. She waited until he was out the door before going out. As she walked across the street, she noticed the Doctor had the plastic bag in his hand and was staring at the Beanie Baby as if it were a religious relic.

Reaching the front door, she opened it just enough to stick her head in. The Doctor had set the sack of food on the captain's chair and was standing by the console, still staring at the elephant. She heard him let out a contented sigh.

"Ah, finally got Peanut. Now I just have to go back and get Chocolate and I can scratch two more Beanies off my list.

Rose stepped inside, waited a moment, and then slammed the door hard. The Doctor jumped several feet in the air, spun around and stared at her with an, "Oh, Shit," face.

"Rose," he said, bringing himself up to his full height and quickly hiding the bag behind his back. "I didn't realize you were awake."

"Hungry, were ya?"

The Doctor nodded his head so forcefully, Rose expected it to fly off and roll across the grating.

"Yeah, I felt a bit peckish. You know how it is; you get those fast food cravings at odd hours of the day. I would have asked you to come along if I knew you were awake. But, you know, you're welcome to half of my chips."

Rose snorted.

"Somehow, I don't think it's the food you were craving."

The Doctor tried to look innocent.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Rose."

"I'm talking about you standing in the middle of bleedin' McDonalds screaming about how you didn't have Peanut the bleedin' elephant and almost having an orgasm right in front of everyone because you finally got the thing."

The Doctor brought his hand around and held the bag up.

"For your information, Ms. Tyler, these are highly collectible items. According to _Beanies Galore_, the definitive Beanie Baby price guide, Peanut and Chocolate Teeny Beanie Babies are worth a lot of money and are highly sought after. I have been searching for both for a long time, so excuse me for being extremely joyful at having found them."

"And…you're how old again?"

The Doctor raised his chin.

"Beanie Babies are not just for kids. I'll have you know that my Beanie Baby collection is quite extensive. I have large, medium, small, and teeny Beanie Babies filling up a special room on this TARDIS. And…it's only one of several things I collect. I also collect stamps, rare coins, picture postcards, travel brochures, rare 45's, comic books and Hummel figurines. In addition, I have recently begun collecting Smurfs. Although, at the moment, I only have a stuffed Smurfette, a box of Smurf cereal from the 1980's and a couple of those little plastic figures, a nurse Smurfette, and a rock Smurf. It's not much at the moment, but it is a start."

"Doctor, sometimes, you really, really scare me."

"Why? Because I collect things? I notice you have more shoes than Imelda Marcos, but do you see me complain? Nooooooooooo. I don't say a word because I respect your shoe fetish, even though it does take up precious space in my TARDIS that could be used for other things…like Beanie Babies. But see, even though I would love to throw your shoes out into the vortex and build a huge lighted case for my Princess Diana bear in their place, I won't do it, because I respect your right to own piles and piles of shoes you'll probably never wear. Now, do me the same courtesy and don't badger me 'bout my Beanies."

"I'll be in my room, Doctor. Enjoy your stuffed elephant," Rose said, walking past him.

"Peanut, Rose, his name's Peanut. All Beanie Babies have proper names."

Rose held up her hand and walked out of the room.

_And there you have it, the superior Time Lord alien boy likes to squee over Beanie Babies as if he's a six-year-old girl. I suppose he goes into his Beanie Baby room every so often so he can roll around in them and moan and groan. And yes, if you're wondering, the man did go back in time right after this incident and got the bleedin' moose for his collection. And when he did hold it in his grubby hands, you'd have thought he'd won the lottery or something. He was so chuffed about getting it, I'm surprised he didn't tear open the bag and snog the thing, then and there. I suppose now that I know his dirty little secret, I will be sent out on Beanie Baby runs, getting him stuffed unicorns and butterflies while he stands in front of his other toys and wanks off. I…_

_Ahem. I am currently looking over your shoulder, Rose. I came in here to show you one of my favorite Beanies. A little lavender bear with little red roses all over it, instead I find you sitting in the den with your laptop, making crude comments about my hobby and insinuating I masturbate in front of my large and varied collection. Just for that, Rose, your shoes will be jettisoned and I will stand at the door, an enormous grin on my face, while I watch the time winds slowly turn them all to dust. Do not mock me and my Beanies, Rose. I have been angered and now your precious footwear will pay the price for your heinous libel. Now I will stop typing, so I can begin gathering up your high heels for evacuation. And do not try to stop me, you were given a warning and as you know, one warning is all you get. So wave bye bye, Rose, because your pumps are about to get dumped. _

_P.S. Time Lords rule, humans drool. Hee, hee. _

_P.S.S. Beanie Babies rule!_

_P.S.S.S. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. _

_Okay, I'm going now. Ta-ta. _

_Signed, _

_The Doctor a.k.a. The Oncoming Storm a.k.a The Shoe Executioner. _

_Sigh. Sorry about that, that was the little infant showing everyone just how old he really is. Now, I suppose I better go and lock my room before the Doctor really does start throwing my shoes out the door. So, until next time, this is Rose signing off. _


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

_Rose's Blog Entry No. 70…_

_Me again. I'm sitting here typing because the Doctor is currently in the console room cursing and screaming at the top of his lungs. Why is he doing that? Well, earlier in the day, we picked up a distress signal on the TARDIS monitor and the Doctor, being the Doctor decided to follow it and lend assistance to whoever needed help. So, we tracked the signal, landed and…_

"Be careful, Rose," the Doctor said, as they hurried to the front door. "Be ready for anything."

Rose nodded. They reached the front door and the Doctor held his hand up while he slowly opened the front door and peeked out.

"Oh, my God," she heard him say.

"What is it?" Rose asked.

The Doctor looked at her.

"Come on, Rose, we haven't a moment to lose!"

The Doctor opened the door and ran out. Rose followed him and stopped short. The TARDIS had landed at the top of a hill. At the bottom of it was a huge nuclear warhead that was just about to take off. Rose sped after the Doctor who was now at the bottom of the hill and running full speed towards the missile.

"I don't know who this is intended for, but I'm going to stop it!" he said when Rose caught up to him.

He whipped out his sonic screwdriver, found a sealed hatch on the side of the warhead and used the screwdriver to open it.

"Stand back, Rose, I need to disable the circuitry before the missile launches and it's going to be delicate work!"

Rose nodded and stepped back. She glanced nervously up at the warhead, praying it wouldn't explode or take off while they were standing there. The Doctor managed to loosen the hatch and paused a moment before he flung it open.

He stared at the opening.

"What the…" Rose heard him say.

"What's wrong, Doctor?"

"There's nothing inside, that's what's wrong. It's empty."

He stuck his head and shoulders into the hole.

"Nothing at all," she heard him say. "It's just an empty shell. Why would someone build an empty missile, set it in a field and pretend to launch it?"

Rose only half heard him. Her attention was riveted to the inside of the hatch door. Affixed to it was a small black tape recorder. On the front of it was a little post-it note that had the words, PLAY ME, written on it with a crudely drawn arrow pointing to the play button on the side. She walked up and pushed the play button.

"Greetings, Doctor."

The Doctor leaned back out enough to look at where the voice was coming from.

"By now, you have probably opened the hatch door and are searching for the way to stop the missile," the voice said.

The Doctor frowned.

"Who is this? That voice sounds familiar," he muttered.

"Well, my dear Doctor, let me assure you that the missile is a dummy. There is no nuclear warhead aboard it."

"Okay, that sets my mind at ease about that, now how about who you are and what your purpose is," the Doctor muttered.

"You might be wondering who this is, Doctor. Well, I will satisfy your curiosity. It is I, Reginald Dortshire the third."

"Oh, bloody hell!" the Doctor yelled. "Not this bratty little delinquent again!"

"This missile isn't for destroying planets. It's to catch you!"

"Me?" the Doctor said.

"Yes, you. You see, there is something contained within this missile, Doctor. A very powerful suction system that will pull you in and capture you. Then, once you are aboard, the hatch will close, the missile will launch and carry you back home where you will be mine at last. I will have my birthday present, one way or another. So, have a pleasant journey while my trap brings you home to me. Goodbye."

Rose gasped when she heard a sound like an enormous vacuum cleaner start up inside the missile. The Doctor screamed as he was instantly pulled into the hole.

"Doctor!" Rose screamed as she lunged at his body.

She grabbed a hold of his hips and pulled with all her might as the Doctor planted his one free hand on the side of the hole and tried to prevent himself from going all the way in. Rose gasped as she struggled against the powerful suction that was pulling the Doctor inside the trap.

"Rose! Pull harder!" she heard the Doctor scream.

Rose wrapped herself around the Doctor's body, planted one foot on the missile and with a groan pulled with everything she had. Finally, after a few moments, the Doctor slid back out of the hole and landed on his stomach in front of the missile.

"Come on, Doctor, before it pulls you back in," Rose said.

Both of them scrambled to their feet and ran back towards the TARDIS.

"Wait!"

Rose spun around and saw the Doctor standing about a foot behind her staring at his right hand.

"My sonic screwdriver!" he said panicked. "It was sucked into the missile! He's got my sonic screwdriver!"

"Doctor, no!" Rose said, as he started to run back.

"I have to get my sonic…"

He trailed off when the hatch door slammed and the engines fired. Rose grabbed him and pulled him backwards as the missile began to take off.

"MY SONIC SCREWDRIVER!" the Doctor screamed as it rose into the air.

He let out an enraged yell as the missile climbed higher and higher in the sky.

"DAMN YOU, REGINALD DORTSHIRE THE THIRD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" he yelled, waving his fist in the air.

_And so, once again, the brat from Hell tried to trap the Doctor and make him his birthday present. Needless to say, the Doctor is extremely angry at the loss of his sonic screwdriver. He's been ranting and raving since we got back into the TARDIS and judging from what he just screamed out two seconds ago, it's extremely time consuming to make a new sonic screwdriver, not to mention all the parts he needs to locate to assemble it, damn it. (His words.) _

_Oh, and now he's ranting about how he wished he had got sucked into the missile, so he could turn him over his knee and whip that spoiled monster to within an inch of his life. Mind you, this is pretty much what he's been screaming since the TARDIS got back into the vortex, which is why I'm staying in here far away from him until he calms down and…_

"I swear, Rose, that child will pay!"

_Ooops, spoke too soon, now he's brought the rant in here…_

The Doctor stomped over to Rose.

"That egotistical little brat has become the bane of my existence!" he said, pointing back to the door.

Rose sighed.

"Doctor, quit being so dramatic. It's just a sonic screwdriver."

"No, it's not just a sonic screwdriver. It's MY sonic screwdriver and that little hellion has it in his possession!" the Doctor snarled. "It'll take me hours to construct another one. Hours that are better spent going out and exploring somewhere! Right now, I'm hoping we run into him again because I'm gonna wrench my screwdriver out of his grubby little hands and shove it into an unpleasant place on his body! And don't think I won't, Rose, because I will! And you know right at this moment he is sitting there, overjoyed, playing with my property and gloating about how he got it and next he'll get me. He's doing that, Rose, I know he is!"

Rose sighed.

"Doctor, just please calm down and think this through, yeah? He didn't get you and that's the most important thing…"

She grunted when the Doctor slammed his body down next to hers on the sofa, seized her laptop and began to type.

_I don't know what Rose has been typing, but I'm pretty sure it was about Dorkshire, so I'm just going to add to her blog. I, the Doctor, vow here and now that I will not rest until Reginald Dortshire the third is put out of commission. Him and his fabulously wealthy daddy can go deep down to the furthest reaches of the netherworld and burn for all eternity as far as I'm concerned. I will get my revenge on that snot nosed kid if it takes me the rest of my lives to do it! Anyone who takes any of my possessions is going down and down hard! If the little demon child ever pulls another stunt like the one he did today, I will hunt him down, nail him inside a box, wrap it and put a big bow on it! Then, the little hellcat can see what being a birthday present is really like! _

_And now, because I need a cathartic release so I don't go berserk and strangle Rose, I will type the following therapeutic sentence into this blog, so I can finally calm down at last…_

_DIE! DIE, REGINALD DORTSHIRE THE THIRD, DIE, DIE, DIE! BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY, YOU NINE YEAR OLD THORN IN MY SIDE! DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!_

_There, that felt tons better. I'm calming down already. See, sometimes it helps to get your feelings out in the open where you can deal with them. Aaaah, and now that I am finally getting my equilibrium back, I suppose I will start gathering up the parts for another screwdriver. And so, I will turn this blog back over to its rightful owner, cheers! _

_Sincerely,_

_The thoroughly pissed off, but rapidly calming down Doctor. _

The Doctor patted Rose on the head and with a sigh, rose from the sofa and walked out the door whistling a merry tune. Rose sat there quietly, utterly gobsmacked at the 180 degree change in his mood. Shaking her head, she closed the laptop and turned on the TV.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

_The Doctor, as you might have guessed, is an extremely manic person. As far as I know he doesn't take any drugs and limits himself to coffee and tea. However, I finally got the chance to see what happens if the Doctor ever did take drugs or had a bit too much caffeine. Now first off let me say that both times he was completely innocent, however, the results were very eye opening. First was the caffeine incident. We were visiting New York City in 1988 when we decided to go into Macy's have a look around. Once inside, I went to do a bit of clothes shopping while the Doctor told me he was going to have a dekko at the electronics. Little did I know there was some lady offering free samples of Jolt Cola, a soft drink with twice the amount of caffeine of normal soft drinks or so the ads claim. The way I understand it, the Doctor took a small sample from the lady, drank from a thimble-full cap of the soft drink and asked where they were selling it. Then, he got a couple of sandwiches with a couple of cans of Jolt Cola and had a little lunch while I was looking through the clothes. Then about a half hour later, I decided to go look for him._

"Doctor?" Rose said when she finally found the electronics section. "Are you here? Doctor? I'm done looking at the clothes."

She looked all around for him and was finally forced to make inquiries about a tall, thin man in a brown pin-striped suit. No one had seen him so Rose finally move out of the electronics department, muttering to herself about how sometimes the Doctor needed a bell around his neck.

Suddenly, she heard a woman's scream in the distance and she groaned.

"I'm willing to be the Doctor is where that woman is," she moaned as she ran off towards the sound of the voice.

Her suspicions were confirmed the closer she got to where the woman had screamed because now she could hear the Doctor ranting and raving about something, his voice high-pitched and his words tumbling together. She picked up speed when she heard people screaming for security.

Then she turned a corner and there he was, in the grocery section, pulling at people and telling them to stop and try some drink he just had. The people were obviously trying to get away from the madman as he ran to and fro trying to get people to listen to him about something called Jolt Cola. Rose sighed and walked over to him. The moment the Doctor saw her, he froze and his eyes bugged out as a huge dopey grin spread over his face.

"THERE YOU ARE!" he screamed in a high-pitched voice. "ROSE, YOU''LL NEVER BELIEVE IT. I'VE FOUND A FANTASTIC DRINK AND I'M JUST FILLED WITH PEP AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF ENERGY! IT'S FANTASTIC! DID I MENTION HOW FANTASTIC IT IS, IT'S FANTASTIC!"

Rose blinked. He was talking rapidly, almost faster than his mouth could form the words. He had a more manic look than usual and he was tugging on Rose's arm like a two year old.

"GOTTA TRY IT! IT'S FANTASTIC!" he bellowed in a loud voice that made Rose flinch since she was now inches away from him. "COME ON! FOLLOW ME! GOTTA TRY IT!"

"Doctor, put a sock in it!" Rose said, jerking on his arm. "You're gonna get kicked out of the store and maybe even arrested. You don't have to be so bloody loud!"

Rose was shocked when the Doctor replied by rapidly saying something that she could barely make out. He took no breath, paused for no punctuation, just a steady stream of words that sounded mostly like unintelligible babble to her but she got the gist of it which was he was excited and when he got excited he couldn't control the volume of his voice but that was about all she got out of the two minute ramble that sounded as if he had been hooked up to an IV bag filled with speed.

Then to her horror, two big burly security guards were approaching them. Rose tugged hard on the Doctor's arm, urging him to run before they ended up in prison.

"OW! STOP THAT!" the Doctor bellowed in her face.

"Doctor, security guards, ya wanna get arrested? Let's…go!" Rose muttered to him through clenched teeth.

The Doctor finally snapped out of his caffeine high long enough to process that they were about to be arrested. Rose grimaced when he let out a high-pitched shriek and she gasped when he almost knocked her on her ass as he hurried past her towards the front entrance of Macy's.

"I AM THE ONCOMING STORM! I CANNOT BE TOUCHED! YOU'LL NEVER HAVE ME, PIGGIES!" the Doctor bellowed back to them as he ran.

_Well, unfortunately for the Doctor, the "Piggies" had extra pigs stationed at all exits and the Oncoming Storm spent a night in jail. Unfortunately for me, I couldn't ring mum so I had to wait in the TARDIS the whole night until the next morning when they finally let a very sober and embarrassed Doctor out of prison. But as embarrassing at that was, it was nothing compared to the time we were kidnapped and a bunch of aliens drugged the Doctor up as part of an experiment to see what his body could withstand. I managed to rescue him along with the help of a few alien friends I made there but the Doctor once again was high and needed time to recover. I decided to put him in the living room with me while I watched the telly. I have no idea what the bastards gave him but it was more than one drug and all of it was pretty potent stuff. So anyway, I was sat there watching a quiz show when suddenly this weird baritone mooing sound came out of the Doctor's mouth. Sorta like this…maaaaaaaaa! Very demonic sounding so I got up and checked to make sure he was alright…_

"Doctor? You okay?" Rose said.

She watched silently while the Doctor slowly tilted his head back and then just stared at the ceiling from that vantage point.

"Look up there, a hole in the ceiling," he said in an awed tone of voice. "And it's moving all around, look…"

He was moving his hand trying to show Rose where the hole was going but he did a double take and started watching his hand. He leaned his head back up and moved his hand slowly in front of his face while Rose sat down on the end of the sofa and watched him worriedly.

"Rose, everytime I move my hand, it leaves vapor trails, how is it doing that?" he said as he watched his hand.

"Doctor, do you know what they gave you?" Rose asked.

"Oooooooh, lots of thiiiiiiings," the Doctor said, drawing out his words. "Droxidrine, Nonaltill, Somulex and Ricid, all highly potent druuuuuugs-ah. Rose, if I move my hand fast enough, I can write words in the air with the vapor trails from my hand."

Rose watched as he waved his arm around, forming words that only he could see while his mouth hung open in amazement. Rose figured there was really nothing she could do for him except watch to make sure he was safe so she went back to watching her program. She could see out of the corner of her eye that the Doctor was still playing with his hand and she sighed, hoping the drugs would wear off soon.

"NO!"

Rose nearly jumped out of her skin when the Doctor suddenly screamed. She turned her head and saw the Doctor gripping the arms of the chair as he stared at something in front of him.

"I shall never give you the secret!" he said to the imaginary person in front of him. "You won't get that information even if you rip my testicles off and use them for maracas!"

"Rip your testicles off?" Rose muttered to herself.

She jerked her head around when the Doctor suddenly lunged out of his chair.

"I will never give you the secret. You can't make me and I'll go to my death before I tell you!"

His eyes started following something only he could see and Rose watched while the Doctor turned and walked over to the wall.

"I'll never tell you, ya hear?" he screamed at the wall. "I prefer death to disclosure!" Hear that?"

"Yes, Doctor, good thing we're in the TARDIS because I'm sure people within a five mile radius could hear you right now," Rose muttered under her breath.

She raised her eyebrow when the Doctor suddenly stomped around in a circle as he chanted repeatedly, "Death before disclosure!" Rose shook her head sadly and tried to turn her attention back to the program while the Doctor marched and chanted. She finally managed to get her attention back on the program so at first she wasn't aware the Doctor stopped chanting till she noticed the silence, looked over and saw him sitting back in the chair, staring straight ahead at nothing. She checked to make sure he was still breathing and then watched her program.

"Rose?"

Rose looked at the Doctor.

"Yeah?"

"I wonder if you open your eyes wide enough, will they eventually pop out of your skull?" he said to her.

Before Rose could answer, the Doctor widened his eyes until he looked like he was in shock. Then he widened them even more and then Rose could actually see him straining to get them even wider.

"Doctor, don't you think you should stop before your eyes pop out and you can't see?" Rose said.

The Doctor looked at her with his wide eyes and Rose had to fight to keep from laughing at the over-shocked expression on his face. Then he relaxed his face and his eyelids went back to their normal at-rest position.

"Yeah, you're right, I don't feel like chasing my eyeballs all over the TARDIS," he said.

He fell silent again and Rose went back to watching her show wondering when the effects of the drugs were going to wear off.

"Farfool."

Rose looked over at the Doctor when he spoke.

"Farfool," he said again.

"What's that mean?" Rose said.

"Dunno, just sounds good to my ears. Farfool, farfool, farfooooooooooo..."

Rose watched while the Doctor dragged out the oo sound for about thirty seconds before completing the word and falling silent again.

"Mungo," he said after a couple of minutes of silence. "Mungo, Mungoooooooo…"

Rose went back to watching her program. Then suddenly, she saw the Doctor walk in front of her. He came over to her side, plopped down and stared at her. Rose stared back, waiting for him to say something.

"I don't appreciate you enough," he finally said.

Rose was speechless. She didn't know how to answer that but she didn't have to wait long for the Doctor to speak again.

"You have saved me in so many ways and I'll be forever grateful to you, Rose."

"Um…thank you," Rose said, feeling her heart melt.

"You have saved me," he repeated. "My Rose…saved me…"

Rose fought to keep from crying at that as the Doctor trailed off. Then she was shocked when once again he screamed out, "MUNGOOOOOOOOOO…" Rose sighed and shook her head but she looked down and her heart melted again when the Doctor took her hand, put it against his right heart, opened his mouth and plopped his thumb into it. Rose sat with the Doctor and watched TV while he sucked his thumb and held her hand against his chest."

_So that went on for about an hour until mercifully the Doctor finally nodded off and slept off the last of the effects of the drugs. I figured when he finally came to he would be embarrassed at his behavior but he doesn't seem to remember much about what he said and did and maybe that's a good thing because I'm sure if he ever did find out he'd be mortified._

_This is the Doctor. I actually didn't know what I did but thanks to Blabberbum and her need to blog, I now have full knowledge of my activities. Nice to know that she's documenting this and saving it for all time. I happened to walk past and saw her typing and since she's said some revealing things about me in the past, I thought I'd take a look over her shoulder. And it's been quite an eyeful. Thanks, Tyler, glad you have chosen to keep my night of embarrassment permanently enshrined on cyberspace. I'll be sure to take some revealing photos of you when you're in the shower and post them to Mysite when you're not looking or perhaps even Faceblog._

_It's me again, it's Myspace and Facebook, Computer Whiz, before you go off on a rant, check your facts about the names of things on cyberspace._

_This is the Doctor. I don't care what they're called because I don't waste my time with them. But I swear, Rose Tyler, if the info on this blog of yours ends up on the web where millions can see, up go the nudie pics to Fartbox or whatever the hell it's called and I'll have my sweet revenge. REVENGE, I TELL YA! I RULE AND YOU DROOL._

_Anyway, the maniac is gone and I'll be erasing that pointless bit of ranting. Until next time, this is Rose signing off._


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: This idea is based on an interview where Matt Smith said he would love for the Doctor to have a talking parrot as a companion next series. Okay, Doctor, you asked for it!

Chapter Sixteen

_As wise and as wonderful as the Doctor is, there are sometimes when the man goes completely off his trolley and I mean more than usual. Case in point, a few days ago the Doctor, for some reason known only to himself, decided he needed to have a talking parrot to add to his list of companions. I, who seem to possess more common sense than he does, tried to talk him out of it. But as usual, what I said went in one ear and out the other because as you know, the Doctor knows more than everybody so I just stood back, kept my mouth shut and watched the train wreck while the Doctor went to a pet shop and purchased a parrot._

"Roooose, come and see what I have!" the Doctor called from the console room.

Rose groaned. She knew what it was. All morning long she'd been trying to talk the Doctor out of buying the parrot but he would not be swayed. She entered the console room and saw the Doctor standing triumphantly by the console with a blue and red macaw perched on his shoulder.

"Isn't he magnificent?" the Doctor said, pointing to it. "My new faithful friend. Like pirates of old, we shall sail the seven seas of time together."

"Let me guess, it's name is Polly," Rose said.

"Don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't give it a daft name like that."

He paused for a few seconds and Rose waited for the inane follow up to his remark. Sure enough, two seconds later…

"His name is Squawky."

"Mmm, well take Squawky back to the pet shop."

"Not a chance. He and I are now best mates, aren't we, Squawky?"

"Hello," Squawky said.

"See, isn't that brilliant? He said hello," the Doctor said.

Rose stared at him, thinking sometimes just how easily impressed and amused the Doctor could be for such a super genius. Squawky cocked his head and looked at Rose.

"Who's the pretty bird then?" he croaked out

"See, more brilliance. And he is pretty, isn't he. Look at his feathers and…"

"Look at the bird. I'd fancy a shag with the pretty bird," Squawky said, eyeing Rose.

Both of them stood there silently as Rose realized that they mistook the meaning of "bird". The Doctor coughed nervously.

"Yes, well, probably picked that up somewhere," he said sheepishly. "He's still brilliant though."

"Hello, whore; want me to ram my womb broom up your arse?"

Both of them fell silent again when Squawky spoke that. The Doctor looked at his parrot.

"Squawky, that wasn't polite," he said as if he were chastising a young child. "You mind your manners."

"Fuck you, whore," Squawky said to him.

Rose bit her lip to keep from laughing at the Doctor's shocked expression.

"Yes…well, obviously he'll have to be retrained," the Doctor said. "But at least he can talk and…"

Suddenly, the Doctor fell silent when Squawky broke into song.

"Ooooh, I went to Buckingham Palace. And I saw the Queen. I took her to bed and had a go. Had the tightest twat I've ever seeeeeen."

Rose couldn't help the laughter this time as the Doctor's mouth fell open.

"Doctor, where did you get this parrot? From a porn shop?" Rose said.

"No, he came from a reputable dealer. The pet shop owner never said he had a filthy mouth and…'

The Doctor turned around to pace while he talked and Rose noticed there was now a long white trail of parrot poo down his back. When she pointed this out to the Doctor, he let out an angry groan.

"Okay, we need to find him some nappies if he's gonna travel with me," the Doctor said, taking him off his shoulder. "Just…mind him for a few minutes while I change, be right back."

The Doctor put Squawky on Rose's arm, despite her protests and hurried out of the room. Rose stood by the console, parrot on her arm while she looked around for somewhere to put the bird. Squawky cocked his head and eyed her.

"Hello love, fancy a parrot prick up the bum?" he said to her.

"No, I would not. I'd fancy you shutting the hell up," Rose said to him.

"Fuck you, whore, I wouldn't shag you with a cadaver's dick."

Rose fought to restrain herself from tearing Squawky's head off and throwing it in the toilet. Meanwhile, the Doctor entered the room with a fresh jacket and to Rose's relief, took his bird back. This time, however, he kept Squawky on his arm while he walked around the console and to Rose's alarm, prepared to leave.

"Wait! Doctor, maybe you should rethink getting Squawky," Rose said before he could take off. "I mean, listen to him, he's loud, rude and bawdy. You don't want him tipping off the enemy about where you are, yeah? Why don't you go get a nice puppy instead. You like puppies, don't you?"

"Fuck off, slag!"

The Doctor backed away when Rose made a fist and tried to cold cock the parrot.

"Rose, calm down, this is an animal, not a Dalek."

"No, it's a horny bird from Hell who won't shut it's beak and I'm about to turn him into parrot stew," Rose said.

The Doctor stared at her in shock.

"Rose, this parrot is innocent. It's the fault of the owner. He's the one who taught Squawky to say all these rude things. Squawky probably has no clue what he's saying, he's just parroting, for want of a better word, the words he's been taught. Your getting enraged over something he has no control over is counterproductive and…"

Suddenly, Squawky flapped up into the Doctor's face, scratched his cheek, bit his ear and climbed on top of his head where he promptly shit down the side of his face. He then began singing his bawdy song while the Doctor stood there, fists clenched, in a white hot rage.

"Then again, parrot stew sounds pretty damn good right about now," the Doctor said through clenched teeth. "I suddenly see the wisdom in not keeping a parrot and if you'll excuse me, I'm going to return this bird to the pet shop before I do something I will regret. Watch the TARDIS in my absence."

"Told ya," Rose said under her breath when the Doctor turned and walked with Squawky out of the TARDIS.

_Well, needless to say, he returned the bird and didn't get anything else. I think that ends his whole get an animal and make it a companion idea. Hopefully, in future…_

"Rose!"

Rose looked up from typing and saw the Doctor at the living room door. She groaned when she saw a monkey perched on his shoulder.

"Lookie! I'm gonna call him Bananas. He'll be more helpful than Squawky and I'll even teach him to do things like fetch the keys when we get locked in the dungeon. I just purchased him but I thought I'd let you know so you wouldn't be surprised when you saw him. See ya in a bit, gotta go get acquainted with my new best friend."

Rose watched him turn and leave the room before she began typing again.

_Then again, I guess the Doctor hasn't learned his lesson. One thing's for sure, I won't be around to clean monkey shite out of his clothes and nurse his infected bite marks. This time, he is on his own! _


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

_I wrote earlier about the Doctor's love of childish things and how childlike he can be at times even though he is over 900 years old. However, this childish outlook on life can be annoying at times if you don't really know or understand the Doctor and where he's coming from. It took me awhile to adjust to him and I'm so used to him now that even though it bothers me at times, I still love him because he's so unlike anyone I've ever known. However, my mom is still having trouble trying to adjust to him and his behavior. Despite what the Doctor thinks, my mom does care about him and she likes him most of the time but there are times when he goes a bit too far. Case in point…the other day we visited my mom around Christmastime at the flat and…_

The Doctor and Rose sat down on Jackie's sofa after greeting her at the door.

"You stay there, I'll put the kettle on," Jackie said, heading towards the kitchen.

"Do you need help, mum?" Rose said.

"No, love, just make yourself comfortable," Jackie said as she went into the kitchen.

Rose sank back into the sofa and shut her eyes, loving the feel of being back home after a stressful week of running from monsters. The house was decorated for Christmas and the tree in the corner with its lights and decorations made her feel even more at home. She looked forward to celebrating Christmas with the Doctor somewhere. She breathed a contented sigh as she waited for her cup of tea. Then she heard the Doctor giggling and opened her eyes. The Doctor had found an old snow globe that her mother had for as long as she could remember. The base of it was painted a dark gold color and it had holly and ivy around it. Inside the snow globe was a tiny Dickens type house. Rose always imagined it was Bob Cratchit's house from A Christmas Carol, though she doubted that's what it was supposed to be. She did know that her mother loved the snow globe more than life itself since her father had given it to her when they were dating and now the Doctor was flipping it over and bringing it back up, watching the fake snow swirling around the Victorian house with a goofy grin on his face. He notice Rose staring at him and held it under her face.

"Look, you turn it over," he said, flipping it over. "And then you flip it back up and it's snowing. Isn't that brilliant?"

Rose tried to play with it when she was a little kid since she used to be just as fascinated by the snow swirling in the globe as the Doctor was. But that was when she was three and she stopped playing with it after her mother discovered her with it and spanked her bottom. Now the Doctor was turning it over and flipping it up, giggling at the swirling snow.

"Doctor!"

The Doctor nearly jumped out of his converse when Jackie yelled through the window separating the kitchen from the living room.

"Put that down this instant! That's valuable and I don't want you breaking it!" she yelled at him through the window.

"I'm not going to break it, Jackie, I'm just looking at it," the Doctor said, incensed.

"Put…it…down," Jackie said, pointing to the table by the sofa.

The Doctor, sullen and pouting, put the snow globe back on the table and folded his arms over his chest. Once he did that, Jackie went away from the window. Rose closed her eyes again and relaxed but ten seconds later, she opened them a bit and noticed the Doctor was playing with the snow globe again, flipping it over and flipping it back up with a huge grin on his face. Rose grinned when he sang Jingle Bells softly to himself while he made it snow.

"Doctor!"

The Doctor jerked his head up and saw Jackie in the window.

"I said, put…it…down!" she growled at him.

"I'm not harming it, Jackie," the Doctor said.

His eyes widened when Jackie walked over to the door and came through it, her hand raised up as if she was about to slap him silly. She gave him a pointed look and smirked when the Doctor quickly put the snow globe back on the table.

"Now keep your paws off it," she said, pointing to him before turning and going back inside.

Rose stared at him when the Doctor seized the snow globe, gave it a defiant shake and stuck his tongue out at the window before he quickly sat it down.

"Doctor, that's precious to her," Rose said. "Dad gave it to her one Christmas."

"I understand that, but I'm not going to hurt it, Rose. I just want to watch the snow while I wait for my tea."

"Well, if I were you, I'd leave it alone before you get slapped," Rose said, snuggling back in the sofa and closing her eyes.

She breathed deeply and relaxed. Then she heard…

"Hey, there's a little boy on a sled. I didn't notice that before."

Her eyes snapped open and the snow globe was once again in the Doctor's hands while he stared down at a little plastic boy on a sled that was behind the house. Then the urge to shake was too much and once more, the Doctor began to make it snow. Rose shrugged, figuring if he wanted to risk his face, that was his business. She closed her eyes, waiting for the sound of hand striking cheek while the Doctor giggled softly.

"PUT IT DOWN!"

Rose tried not to laugh when she heard the sound of the snow globe being slammed down onto the table. She opened her eyes and noticed the Doctor was glaring balefully at Jackie who was once again at the window. She could see that the Doctor's hatred at being told not to do something and being bossed around in general was leading him into a standoff with her mother over the snow globe. Jackie saw the defiant look on his face and snorted.

"Go on," she said to him. "I dare ya to touch it!"

She threw her hands up when the Doctor put his hand on top of the globe.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF IT!'

"You just dared me to touch it so I touched it!"

"I was being sarcastic, you numptie, now leave it alone!"

"I just want to see it, Jackie," the Doctor said, picking it up.

This time he picked it up too fast and Rose winced when it slipped from his hand and hit the floor. Everyone froze and Rose glanced quickly at the snow globe. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw it wasn't broken but it didn't matter. Jackie was on the warpath now. She let out a yell of rage and the Doctor's eyes widened when she raised her hand to slap him. He leapt from the sofa and sprinted to the door while Jackie repeatedly slapped his back.

"OUT, OUT, OUT, OOOOOOUT!" she bellowed as the Doctor flung open the door and ran out. "Stay in your TARDIS and don't come back in here until you learn to keep your grubby hands off my things!"

She slammed the door and threw up her hands in exasperation.

"What is wrong with that man," she said, walking towards Rose. "Sometimes he's so incredibly thick. Maybe he's retarded and on his planet, they consider him a genius which is why he keeps telling us he is. Why you like him so much, I'll never know," she muttered as she headed back to the kitchen.

_So, that went well, obviously. I found the Doctor cowering in the TARDIS when I came back and he quickly took off, claiming this is one of the reasons why he hates spending Christmas with companion's family members. Since then, things have been fairly quiet but I'm sure as soon as the Doctor finds something else that tickles his fancy, we'll have to hear about how bloody brilliant it is while he plays with it over and over and…_

"Rose!" the Doctor said, bursting into the living room where she was typing. "Guess what? I found something brilliant! You humans are so amazing. It's called a Clapper. Watch."

Rose sighed as he unplugged the lamp on the table beside the sofa and then plugged the Clapper into a nearby outlet and plugged it back into one of three outlets on the bottom of the Clapper. Then he stood near the table and cleared his throat.

"CLAP ON!" he sang and clapped two times.

The light went off.

"CLAP OFF!" he sang and clapped two more times.

The light came back on.

"CLAP ON, CLAP OFF, THE CLAPPER!"

He clapped two more times and the light went off. He stood there, basking in the smugness of his brilliance while he waited for Rose to comment.

"Yeah, that's nice, Doctor, can you turn my light back on?"

"Sure! CLAP ON!"

*clap, clap.*

"Thanks," Rose said.

"CLAP OFF!"

*clap, clap*

"No, keep the light on," Rose said when the light went out.

"CLAP ON, CLAP OFF, THE CLAPPER!"

*clap, clap.*

He giggled when the light came back on.

"That is just so brilliant," the Doctor said while Rose feigned politeness. "I wonder if I can do it when I'm out in the corridor."

"Doctor, wait!" Rose said, holding up her hand.

But he didn't hear her as he ran out of the room. Ten seconds later…

"CLAP ON!" *clap, clap*

He stuck his head inside and his face lit up with glee when the light went out. Before Rose could tell him to stop, his head was out the door again.

"CLAP OFF!" *clap, clap*

"Now I understand why my mum likes to slap you around," Rose muttered as the light came on.

The Doctor stuck his head inside and grinned before sticking his head back out.

"CLAP ON, CLAP OFF, THE CLAPPER!" *clap, clap*

He came back inside and walked over to Rose.

"I need hundreds of these things," he said, pointing to the Clapper. "With them, I can just clap the lights on and off. Wonder if I could wire one up to the console and clap the TARDIS on and off as well? Hmmm…CLAP ON and the TARDIS starts up. CLAP OFF and the TARDIS stops. Brilliant. Remind me to try that in future. But for now, we'll leave this Clapper right here where it'll be useful."

"That's fine, Doctor, but could you find something else to do. I'm working on my blog."

She shut the lid when the Doctor tried to peek at what she was writing. He eyed her but Rose gave him a defiant look and he sighed.

"Fine, I'll amuse myself with this Wacky Wall Walker from the 1980's," he said, reaching into his pocket.

He pulled a slimy yellow rubber octopus out of his trouser pocket and walked over to the wall by the TV. Rose sighed when he flung the little octopus at the wall and it hit it with a satisfying *SMACK*. Then he bent over and stared at the octopus intently while the thing slowly went end over end down the wall. Rose watched while he giggled at that and shaking her head, raised the lid of her laptop and went back to writing her blog.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

_Now it's a fact that the Doctor is incredibly old. He tells me he's past nine hundred years old (but sometimes I wonder if he's being truthful.) I haven't been with him for very long but I notice that he gets incredibly bored at times and comes up with insane things to do to entertain himself. And wouldn't you know it, I usually get dragged along. (I s'pose it's because I'm his companion and I have to assist him, no matter how daft the task.)_

_Case in point…_

Rose sat on the sofa in the living room reading Twilight for the fourth time. It was a slow day and she decided to reread the book to stave off the boredom. As she read, she felt a tap on her shoulder and looked up to see the Doctor standing behind her. He was carrying a small organ grinder and was wearing a red and white striped shirt, straw hat, white vest and white trousers. He also had on an enormous fake handlebar mustache. Rose stared at him with a mixture of shock and confusion.

"O…kay," Rose finally said.

The Doctor walked around the sofa, stood in front of her, sat the organ grinder down and began to turn the crank. Rose grimaced when he loudly sang Bad Romance as the organ grinder churned out a tinny polka tune. When he finally stopped his caterwauling, he grinned a cheesy grin at Rose as the room fell silent once more.

"Um…dare I ask what all this is?" she said, pointing to the organ grinder.

"This is a little game I like to play from time to time. It's called Make My Mark On History. I dress up in a naff costume and do something so outrageous, it's sure to get a mention in the history books. Coming?"

"Coming where?"

"Hither and thither. I go all over history and act like a fool and then look myself up later. Coming?"

"Do I have a choice?" Rose said.

"Well, you can sit here reading…Twilight," the Doctor said, glancing down at the book, "and miss out on splendiferous fun or you can come with me."

Rose stared at the outfit and the organ grinder. A sick, perverted curiosity overwhelmed her and she stood up.

"Yeah, I wanna see this," she said.

"Brilliant. Follow little old moi, then!"

He grabbed the organ grinder and Rose followed back to the console room.

"Pick a historical event, any event you can think of," the Doctor said to Rose.

"Um…well…the beheading of Anne Boleyn then," Rose said.

"On our way," the Doctor said, punching a few buttons and switches.

May 19th, 1536…

"Anne Boleyn," the priest said to the condemned as she knelt in front of the chopping block. "You have been accused of treason and condemned to have your head cut off. And may God have mercy upon…"

The priest trailed off when he heard a loud wheezing near the chopping block. His mouth dropped open when a blue box appeared out of nowhere. Everyone stared at it in shock. Then the front door opened and a strange man and lady stepped out of it. The man had a weird looking box with a handle on the side and little legs underneath it. He sat it down and turned the crank. Polka music filled the air while the man sang loudly about having a bad romance and being a freak bitch, baby. The woman behind him was blushing and trying to hide behind the man. He finished his song after one minute, thanked everyone, walked back into the box and everyone gasped when it disappeared from sight.

"Um…" the priest said. "I think I need a lie down now. Can we delay the exection?"

"See?" the Doctor said as the TARDIS flew into the vortex.

"You are completely bonkers!" Rose said. "I can't believe I went out there with ya!"

"Aw, come on, you loved it. See, now we can look ourselves up later on. But first, another historical event or time or place."

Rose couldn't help but giggle at the Doctor's enthusiasm.

"Um…cavemen days…sometime during the cavemen days."

"Done," the Doctor said.

10,000 B.C…

The two Neanderthals made their way through the blistering snowstorm in search of prey. They were short and squat with prominent foreheads and big noses. Each one was wearing an anima skin and fur boots and they slogged through the snow.

Suddenly, they let out a startled yell when a blue box appeared in front of them. A man stepped outside, put a strange box down in the snow and turned a crank while he sang about Friday being the day after Thursday. A woman watched from the door, trying not to laugh at the slack jawed look on the cavemen's faces. The man stopped singing after a minute and without so much as a goodbye, turned and went back inside. The cavemen yelled in surprise when the box wheezed and disappeared from sight.

Rose giggled uncontrollably while the Doctor gave her a cheeky grin.

"See, fun," he said.

"Yeah, it is hilarious seeing the reactions on people's faces."

"I knew you'd like it. More then?"

"Well…" Rose said, thinking.

June 15, 1215…

King John let out a weary sigh as he bent over the sheet of paper and prepared to sign the document the nobles were calling the Magna Carta. The disgruntled nobles were gathered around him, glaring at him, impatient for him to sign it. He was about to sign his name when suddenly he heard a wheezing sound behind him. He whirled around and the nobles went for their swords when a blue box appeared out of nowhere. Then a man came out, set a box on legs on the ground before him and turned the crank, singing loudly about someone named Macarena while a woman giggled from the doorway.

"Good luck with the signing," the man said after singing.

He and the girl ran inside and everyone stared at the box in astonishment while it faded from view.

July 14, 1862…

"Oh Abe," Mrs. Lincoln purred as her husband lay beside her in their bed inside the White House, "that was the best sex I ever…"

She trailed off when they heard a wheezing and she and Abe Lincoln stared in shock as a blue box appeared at the foot of their bed. The doors opened, a man jumped out and began to work an organ grinder while he sang a song called Do Ya Think I'm Sexy.

"Good luck with the Civil War, Honest Abe," he said after a few minute's singing and he and a woman ran back into the box, closed the door and the box vanished from view.

Rose bent over laughing as the Doctor took the TARDIS into the vortex.

"Only you could get away with singing to Abe Lincoln and his wife while they were naked in bed together," Rose said.

"Come on; come on, more, more! I need more places!" The Doctor urged.

"Wait a tic, I want to think up something really good," Rose said.

"Ah. Well, while you're thinking…"

He began to play the organ grinder and sang Tik Tok to her while she giggled.

"That's not helping me think, you know," Rose said.

"No? I sometimes find a little tune helps with the thinking process but no matter," he said as he stopped playing. "Come on, more, more!"

Rose laughed and thought while the Doctor waited for her to come up with more places they could go to.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

September 16th, 2007…

"Okay, guys," Jack said as he faced his team. "We've got a very important mission on our hands."

"And that would be?" Gwen said.

"Remember the urban legend about alligators in the sewer? Well, there really is an alligator in the sewer. Only…it's an alligator man from outer space. Our job is to go through the sewer, find it and capture it."

"Slogging through the sewer, sounds like the perfect day," Owen said dryly.

"Everyone get your gear and…"

Jack froze in the middle of his sentence when he heard a wheezing sound behind him. His heart raced as he slowly turned around and saw the TARDIS materializing behind him.

"Doctor!" Jack cried out.

He was stunned when the door was flung open, the Doctor raced out looking like a badly dressed member of a barbershop quarter and slammed an organ grinder down in front of him. He turned the crank and Rose stood behind him while he sang loudly.

"Hello, Jack, long time no see!

My hearts are filled with love and glee.

I'm playing this song for you so lookeeeeeeee at meeeeeeee!"

He finished singing and ran back in the TARDIS. Rose waved and shut the door.

"What the fuck was that about?" Jack said as the TARDIS slowly vanished in front of him.

Mardu 27, 5360…Somewhere in the Calium Galazy…

The Master let out an evil laugh as he clapped his hands together. He had just finished concocting an evil plan for his nemesis, the Fouth Doctor, and he was eager to try it out on him.

"This time Doctor, you won't escape me!" he said before letting out another laugh.

His laugh faded and his eyes widened when he heard a wheezing behind him.

"It can't be," he said, slowing turning around.

He was shocked to see the Doctor's TARDIS behind him. But when the door opened, the Doctor he knew didn't come out. Instead, some weirdly dressed bean pole with a spiked hairdo and beady eyes lunged at him. Behind him was a blonde human who was giggling uncontrollably while the unfamiliar Doctor put an organ grinder down in front of him and began to play it. He began to shriek a Gallifreyan nursery rhyme at the stunned Master and played it for a minute before he finally stopped.

"Love the beard, gives you that typical evil look," the Doctor said. "Well, have fun doing whatever you're doing. Bye!"

"Wait!" the Master said, regaining his senses as the Doctor raced back into the TARDIS and slammed the door shut.

The Master yelled out his rage as he pounded on the door. He let out a howl of rage and frustration when the TARDIS dematerialized.

"Damn you, Doctor!" he bellowed to the fading time ship.

Dantu 09, 6607…Spider Nebula…

Davros laughed insanely as he stared at the fifth Doctor. The Doctor was standing in a large iron cage, completely at the madman's mercy.

"At last, Doctor, I will turn you into a dalek and you will serve me!" Davros said. "Soon, there will be no more of you…"

Davros trailed off when he heard the wheezing. The Doctor was shocked to see his TARDIS materializing behind him. Davros slowly turned his chair around and faced it. The door was flung open and Davros was shocked when a tall, thin man jumped out with an organ grinder.

"Howdy!" the unfamiliar Doctor said to him, "I was gonna play a song for ya but I think this is much better!"

He pulled out his sonic screwdriver and aimed it at the cage. Davros spun around when he heard it unlock and the door slowly swung open.

"See ya!" the Doctor said, running back into his TARDIS while Five dashed out of the cage and run off.

"Damn it!" Davros said, gliding off in pursuit of Five while the TARDIS slowly dematerialized.

Demon's Run Asteroid…

Eleven stood with River beside his wooden cot while Amy and Rory watched them.

"River, tell me who you are," he said to her.

River took his hand.

"I am telling you," she said, indicating that he should look down.

Eleven looked down and frowned when he heard a wheezing behind him. All four people turned in shock and stared at the TARDIS materializing. Then they looked at Eleven's TARDIS standing nearby before they looked at the new TARDIS. The door opened and Eleven gasped when his younger self leapt out with an organ grinder and began to play while he sang Kung Fu Fighting to him.

"Um…what is this?" Eleven said when he finished.

"I'm playing Make My Mark on History," the Doctor said.

"You are?" Eleven said, overjoyed. "Can I play a round with you

"Sure! Come inside! More the merrier and all that!"

Eleven turned to his stunned companions.

"Um, River, Amy, Rory…talk amongst yourselves for a moment. I'll be back in a tic."

"Wait! What the hell is going on?" Amy said as Eleven ran into the TARDIS with Ten and they closed the door.

The three companions stared at the TARDIS in shock as it faded from view.

September 16th, 2007…Thirty seconds from the last time…

"Okay," Jack said to his team, "Don't know what that was all about but anyway…about the alligator man…"

Jack groaned when he heard the TARDIS wheezing again. He turned and the door opened and Ten and Eleven jumped out with matching organ grinders. They both played them while they sang Dancing Queen. Jack looked over their shoulders at Rose who was giggling hysterically.

"Rose, what the fuck is going on here?"

"Um…a game?" Rose said with a shrug.

"They're gonna think it's a game when I bash their faces in," Jack said.

The Doctor's stopped and Jack threw up his hands when they ran inside and slammed the door.

"This isn't funny, Doctor!" Jack yelled as the TARDIS faded from view.

Demon's Run…thirty seconds from the last time…

"There he is," Rory said, pointing when the TARDIS came back.

"Ah, that was refreshing!" Eleven said, stepping out the door. "I must do that myself sometime. I missed playing that game. Thank you, Doctor," he said, shaking his younger self's hand.

"Thank you. Now I must remember to give myself a mental enema so I'll forget you…and Rose as well."

"You're not giving me any sort of enema," Rose said as she stood in the doorway.

"Rose. Nice to see you again. Have fun with my younger self," Eleven said.

Rose nodded and she and Ten went back inside. As the door closed and the TARDIS faded, Eleven turned to River.

"Now, what were you wanting me to look at?" he said to her as she stared at him in a stunned silence.

July 4th, 1776…

"There," the first Doctor said to Barbara, Ian and Susan. "We have landed in Pennsylvania on the day the Declaration of Independence gets adopted. Let's go find congress and observe it and…"

He frowned when there was a wheezing.

"Grandfather, look," Susan said, pointing to the TARDIS materializing inside the TARDIS.

"What is this?" One said, walking towards it.

He gasped when the door opened and Ten ran out with the organ grinder. He began to play and sing…

"Hello, Doctor, long time, no see. Get a good look because one day you'll be meeeeeeee!" he screeched before he ran back inside and shut the door.

"What the bloody hell was that?" Ian said as the TARDIS faded away.

"That was…nothing," One said. "Anyway, shall we go outside, dear friends?"

"Phew," the Doctor said, collapsing down in his jump seat. "I believe I'm spent now. But what a fun game, eh? Now I'll go look in the history book and see if anyone mentioned me. Ta-ta!"

_That was about three hours ago. So I came in the living room, watched some telly and worked on my blog. So far, he hasn't said anything to me but…_

"Rose!" the Doctor yelled as he ran in the room carrying a large leather bound book. "RoseRoseRoseRoseRose! I did it! I got a mention!"

Rose gasped when he slammed the book triumphantly down on the coffee table and jabbed his finger at a paragraph. Rose picked it up and read the passage he indicated.

"After being convicted of treason, Anne Boleyn was held in the tower of London until the 19th of May, 1536 where she was led to the chopping block. As she was about to be beheaded, there appeared out of thin air a strange blue box and a man jumped out with what was described as a musical box. The man played a strange tune and sang. Then he ran back inside the box and it vanished from view, never to return."

"See! I'm in the history books!" the Doctor said. "I'm so proud of myself."

"Uh-huh, what about the other times you jumped out?"

"Um…I didn't get a mention then but those people probably just didn't want to mention me out of embarrassment or confusion over what happened. No matter. I got a mention along with Anne Boleyn so I'm happy now. Well, I'll leave you to your laptop. See ya!"

Rose watched while the Doctor took the book and happily walked out of the living room. She shook her head and entered one more sentence in her blog.

_Simple man, simple pleasures, that's all I'm gonna say about that. _


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

_One of the reasons why I love the Doctor so much is because he does everything in his power to try to cheer me up when I'm sad. There are many times when terrible things happen and it affects me more than it does him so he takes it upon himself to make an ass of himself in order to get me to laugh. Course sometimes the teasing and cheering up takes me by surprise because there are many times when he's completely serious. I s'pose that's what makes the silliness that much more hilarious. Take for instance the other day…_

The Doctor closed the door and watched as Rose slowly walked up the ramp with her heart in her feet. They had just saved Planet Sacrafious but they lost their new friend and ally when the alien woman jumped in front of Rose and took a laser blast in order to save her life. Rose and the woman had grown close in the short time they knew each other and the Doctor could see Rose was taking the woman's death hard.

"Rose? Are you going to be okay?" the Doctor said.

"Yeah, I…just wanna be alone for awhile," Rose said as she walked towards the back door.

The Doctor nodded. He watched with heavy hearts while Rose left the room. Sighing, he walked to the console and took the TARDIS into the vortex.

_I stayed like that for a week. The Doctor allowed me to grieve for Layla but it got to the point where I didn't feel like doing anything and I stayed in the living room watching TV for most of the day and the Doctor decided I needed a bit of cheering up before I slipped completely into depression. The Doctor decided a bit of silliness might lift my spirits so he took it upon himself to be a clown and come give me a smile…_

Rose lay on the sofa, watching some sort of alien home shopping network. Nothing else was on so she was resigned to watching some alien selling some sort of electronic device. She really didn't care about what was on really. She just wanted the distraction. Her eyes flicked to the door when the Doctor entered the room. She watched while the Doctor walked over to the TV, got in front of it and jerked his head down until his eyes were inches from the screen. Rose raised her eyebrow when the Doctor stayed that way, watching the screen with his butt sticking out.

"I want one," the Doctor said, pointing to the device. "I would like a hooba booba but I haven't the credits. Perhaps if I sent in a kidney, they'd accept a down payment."

Rose frowned, not quite sure what to say to that.

"Um…don't sell your kidney," she said hesitantly.

"No?" the Doctor said, straightening up and turning to look at her. "Perhaps a lung then or one of my penises."

Rose blinked in shock but the Doctor nonchalantly shrugged and strode towards the door while Rose tried to imagine the Doctor with two penises. While she was mulling over that image, the Doctor stuck his head back in the room.

"Frosia," he said to her.

"I'm sorry?" Rose said.

The Doctor stuck his head back out the door.

"Frosia? What the hell does Frosia mean?" Rose muttered.

She mentally shrugged and turned her attention back to the TV. Now the alien lady was selling a bronze necklace with some gaudy blue diamond as a pendant.

"Frosia?" the Doctor said, coming back into the room. "Mum shana delort?"

"What?" Rose said.

"Mum shana delort. Pugga poo," he said, coming up to her side.

"What does that mean?"

"Pugga poo? La shant delos."

"Doctor, I don't understand ya," Rose said.

The Doctor frowned. Rose was shocked when he started fiddling with his crotch.

"How about that?" he said to her after he finished fondling his balls.

"Um, I understand that, yeah," Rose said.

"Sorry, the translator chip inside my genitals must be on the fritz. Had to adjust the genitalia so you could understand me."

"You have a translator chip inside your balls?" Rose said.

"Yeah, had it installed so I could have a permanent link to the TARDIS translator circuits. But that was centuries ago and sometimes the old thing mugwa don denoch plat."

"I can't understand you now," Rose said.

She watched while the Doctor fondled himself again, titillated at the sight of him adjusting himself.

"How about now?" the Doctor said when he finished.

"Um, yeah, I understand you now."

"Good. Anywhooooo. What rubbish is this?" the Doctor said, pointing to the TV screen.

"Some shopping program. I'm not really watching it," Rose said with a shrug.

"Oh, the Venusian Shopping Emporium. I once put Romana up for sale on here."

"Who?"

"Oh a companion that got out of line. She became incorrigible and I had to sell her for credits," the Doctor said nonchalantly. "I believe I brought an ice cream with my profits."

"You sold a companion on a shopping program?" Rose said.

"Several actually. The arseholes get sold, that's one of my mottos," the Doctor said. "When I tired of their rebellious behavior, I sell them for credits. One of my rules is don't irritate me to the point of you ending up on the slave auction. Bit sad but then again, I'm not known for my compassion. Lucky for you, you haven't outlived your usefulness, keep it that way."

"You're full of shit, Doctor."

The Doctor raised his eyebrow and turned his head towards the TV screen.

"Come to think of it, I am running short of credits and I have a companion just lying about watching programs…hmm…"

"Don't try it, git!" Rose said.

"Yup, incorrigible gobby ones go to the auction block, that's my philosophy. They start behaving like jackasses, they end up in perpetual slavery. Been that way for centuries."

"Oh? What about Sarah Jane then?" Rose said. "Seems she escaped the auction block."

"That's because her mouth was constantly on my bum, kissing and worshipping it," the Doctor said absently while he watched the program. "I demand obedience and devotion from all who come through these doors. Come to think of it, you haven't worshipped me lately, human," the Doctor said, turning his attention back to her. "Explain yourself."

"You're not a god," Rose said.

"Au contraire, I've been worshipped on many planets by many people over many centuries. I've been spoiled by that and I've come to demand it from everyone. Sooooo…"

He paused and gave Rose a pointed look. Rose snorted and turned her head away from him and folded her arms across his chest.

"Yup, definitely time to put you up for auction," she heard the Doctor say.

"Do it then! See if I care!" Rose said, raising her chin.

She gasped when the Doctor's wet finger suddenly entered her ear canal and she jerked her head around and eyed him. The Doctor stuck his tongue out at her and put his hands behind his back while he studied her quietly. Then he turned on his heel and strode out of the room, hands behind back. Rose shook her head and turned her attention back to the TV. She settled down into the sofa and was watching the alien woman selling another electronic device when she saw the Doctor coming back into the room out of the corner of her eye.

"Not gonna worship ya if that's what you're here for!" she said aloud while she kept her eyes on the TV screen.

She kept on watching the TV screen while the Doctor came up to the side of the sofa.

"Wow, you can be oblivious when you want to be," the Doctor said to her.

Rose sighed. She turned her head and jerked her head back when she noticed the Doctor's trousers were gone and he was wearing bright blue boxers. She stared at the bulge in his pants, now only a foot from her face. The Doctor pointed to it.

"Translator chip in there," he said before putting his hand behind his back.

Rose fought to keep from laughing while Doctor stood there in his underwear watching her in complete seriousness. Suddenly, Rose burst out laughing and the Doctor smiled and put his hand on her head.

"There we go, sound I've been waiting to hear for a week now," he said.

"You really don't have a chip in your balls, do ya?"

"What do you think I am? Masochistic? Besides, each time I regenerate I'd have to get the chip reinstalled. Again, do you think I'm masochistic?"

"Why are you doing this?" Rose said.

"Because I miss the sound of your laughter. I miss your happy energy and your playful teasing. I miss you," he said. "I understand you are upset about Layla's death but laying here watching the telly isn't helping matters. You need to get up and move around before you start slitting your wrists. So I took it upon myself to cheer you up, including humiliating myself by appearing before you in my underwear."

"You're a boxers sort of chap?" Rose said.

"Yes. And now you know that. I miss you standing by my side in the console room. I gave you a week to grieve before I came back here. It's important to grieve but sometimes activity is better than just lying there like a vegetable drowning in your sorrow and guilt. I don't like seeing you this way, Rose. It's not like you."

"I'm sorry. I just felt so guilty for her death. I'm the reason she got shot."

"But that was her decision to take the laser blast. She cared enough about you to save your life. I realize you have survivor's guilt but sometimes you have to let it go before the guilt consumes you. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about."

"Gallifrey," Rose said.

"Yes. Gallifrey. You helped me deal with the guilt of that and helped me get over it so now I'm doing the same for you. Stand up."

"What happens if I don't? The auction block?" Rose teased.

"No, I will beat you on the back with a wet noodle until you wet yourself," the Doctor teased back, happy that their banter was returning. "Stand up, please."

Rose did as he asked and smiled when he embraced her and held her close. Rose closed his eyes and put her arms around him. Rose breathed in his scent and was comforted by it.

"I missed you being in the console room," the Doctor said as he held her. "It's been a year and a half and I've gotten used to your presence there. It felt strange when you were back here."

"I just got overwhelmed by Layla's death. I don't think I'll ever get used to people dying."

"Good. Because you shouldn't. The day you get used to people dying and show no reaction is the day I take you somewhere for a psych eval. You have a tender heart and that's one of the things I love about you. But a word of advice from me to you? Don't grieve alone, not when I'm here and we can rely on each other. Okay?"

"Yes," Rose said, trying not to cry.

"Feeling better?" the Doctor said.

"Yeah, tons better."

"Good. Now…GET YOUR SHOOPIDY DOOP BUM TO THE BOMBA WOMBA ROOM, MY WOMAN!" the Doctor yelled.

"NO!" Rose yelled back.

She laughed when the Doctor let out a melodramatic gasp.

"AUCTION BLOCK FOR YOU THEN!" he yelled as Rose ran away. "I WILL SELL YOU FOR A PAIR OF EARRINGS, I SWEAR IT!"

Rose laughed and the Doctor smiled, loving the musical sound of it.

_So that's what the Doctor does in order to cheer me up. He and I have such a great rapport. More deeper than I've ever had with any person. All this death and devastation going on and we can still laugh at things. That's what I love about momomomomomomomom_

Rose looked at the Doctor who was now bent over the sofa typing M and O into the blog repeatedly.

"I'M MESSING UP ROSE'S BLOG, BLOG, BLOG! I'M BEING A CHEEKY POLYWOG!" he sang as he typed the M and O repeatedly. "I'M BEING CHEEKY AND A LITTLE BIT GEEKY, MESSIN' UP ROSE'S BLOG, BLOG, BLOG!"

"TO THE AUCTION BLOCK WITH YA!" Rose yelled at him.

"What? How dare you threaten me with the same punishment you might receive! Wet noodle for you now!"

Rose laughed when the Doctor tickled her armpits and gave her a wet sloppy kiss on the cheek before he ran giggling from the room. Rose wiped the slobber off her cheek and chuckled as she turned back to her laptop and erased the Doctor's handiwork from her blog.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty One

_Omg, the Doctor is so full of shit sometimes. Mind you, I've gotten used to his namedropping and his boasts about doing this or that but there are times when even his boasts seem a bit farfetched. Case in point, we visited Torchwood the other day and Jack came aboard for a bit of reminiscing with us. While we were talking in the living room, the Doctor began namedropping again and…_

"Excuse me, I know this is probably a stupid question," Jack said, setting his mug of beer on the table beside him. "But is there anyone you haven't met in your long history of travels?'

The Doctor sipped his beer while he thought that over. Rose and Jack exchanged a look when he kept on thinking.

"Doctor, quit being an arse," Rose said.

"I'm not being an arse, I'm thinking about who I haven't met yet," the Doctor said to her. "I s'pose I haven't met Jo-Jo, the Wonder Midget Boy yet."

"You're telling me that everyone who's ever been famous has known you," Rose said.

"Yeah, pretty much," the Doctor said.

"You met Jesus Christ then?" Rose said.

"Nice chap, very peaceful," the Doctor said.

Rose and Jack shared a look.

"Let me guess, the crucifixion was a fixed point in time," Jack said dryly.

"Yup," the Doctor said before taking another sip of beer.

"Did you meet Adolf Hitler then?" Rose said.

"Yup."

"And you couldn't stop him because it's also a fixed point in time?" Rose said.

"Well, yes and no, I did foil a few Nazi schemes that would have made things much, much worse for the allies."

"And Mussolini too?" Jack said.

"And Hirohito. I was quite busy during the war," the Doctor said.

"Really? Because I was in that war and I don't remember hearing about you," Jack said.

"That's because I was in disguise and using my invisibility cloak," the Doctor said.

Jack shot Rose a "Yeah, right," look.

"And where did ya get this invisibility cloak from, Harry Potter?" Rose said.

"Don't be daft. Harry Potter is a fictional character…I got it from Merlin," the Doctor said.

"So what you're telling us is you spent World War Two under an invisibility cloak while you went around fixing things," Jack said.

"And distributing sweets. I remember kiddies would be standing around, minding their own business, when suddenly, BOOM, showers of sweets would rain down on their heads. I loved watching the nipper kipper scramble for the choccies, made my hearts warm."

"And I suppose you were in World War One too," Jack said.

"Yes but I was doing office work at that time, those trenches were ghastly."

"And were you in the Civil War?" Rose said.

"Which one? There were many," the Doctor said.

"The American one," Jack said.

"Fought for the union but I got a bullet in the arm at Shiloh. Damn scarf. I thought it would look dashing with my soldier outfit but I tripped on it and stumbled and a damn reb shot me in the arm. Still, I made it out of there with my life intact. Any other wars you wanna know about?"

"The Hindenburg," Rose said.

"The Hindenburg isn't a war," the Doctor said.

"I know that. Were you there?"

"Sadly yes, I'm afraid the fire was my fault…sorta. Fought an alien fire breathing dragon on the ground and he tried to scorch me as the Hindenburg was landing and the zeppelin caught on fire instead. Damn dragon."

"You are so full of shit, Doctor," Rose said while Jack nodded in agreement.

"I notice you say that often to me, Tyler," the Doctor said.

"Because it's true. If there was a dragon around the Hindenburg, how come no one reported it?"

"It had an invisibility cloak on, same as me."

Jack sniggered when Rose threw up her arms in exasperation.

"Come on, Rose, you gotta admit this is entertaining," Jack said. "What about the Tower of London, how many times were you imprisoned there?"

"Five times. I escaped one of those times when I told the beefeaters that I would steal all the ravens and put them in my TARDIS. They let me go after that. Can't let London fall, you know."

"Princess Di's wedding," Rose said.

"In the back row. Quite entertaining wedding but not as entertaining as Henry the VIII's many marriages. Each time the bloke got married, he got fatter and fatter and eventually they had to lower him into the church using a huge crane."

"Bullshit, they didn't have cranes back then!" Rose said, pointing at him.

"Bullshit, they did but the royals have been hiding it for centuries!" the Doctor said, pointing back at her. "The royals had a crane before anyone else because I gave it to them!"

"And Henry the VIII was such an enormous fat ass that they had to lower him into Westminster Abbey by crane?" Jack said.

"Towards the end of his life. He was quite obese. They had to dig up all of Hyde Park just to bury his porky little body. It's the biggest grave ever."

Rose raised her eyebrow when Jack sniggered.

"And what did you do to sink Atlantis? Fart?" Rose said.

"How do you know about that?" the Doctor said. "I thought the Great Atlantis Mega Fart would never be remembered except in obscured Aztec glyphs!"

Rose giggled.

"I s'pose I read it in a book somewhere," she said while the Doctor grinned and winked.

"And I guess the Mega Fart came because you were battling the dragon that was being lowered down by a crane by Hirohito," Jack said.

"Blimey, you do know your history," the Doctor said.

"And after that, he said I'm sorry to the sinking continent while he sped away from it in a speedboat and he went to Egypt and told the Egyptians to build the pyramids before he made himself Pharoah and wore a hawk mask and the hawk headed god in the heiroglyphs is him," Rose said.

"Have you been following me around?" the Doctor said, feigning shock. "How do you know I was Lord God Atum-Nefer-Ramses-Osirus-Julia the First?"

"Like I said, Rose, he is entertaining," Jack said to her while she giggled.

_Well at least he did admit he was bullshitting and started joking with us about all the things he's said and done. I do admit he's been around and probably seen many things but come on; some things seem a bit farfetched, even for him. But like Jack said, even if he is bullshitting, he's still very entertaining. _


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty Two

_I think I've mentioned before that the Doctor is a prankster and his mischief tends to come when he's bored. There are downtimes when we relax or rather he lets me relax but most of the time the Doctor doesn't want to rest and so he thinks up pranks that he can carry out. Most of the time I'm the butt of these jokes but there are times when others are the unwilling victims. Case in point….earlier today the Doctor got an idea for a prank and instead of me, he decided to go visit Jack at Torchwood…_

"You're gonna get punched," Rose said, crossing her arms while she stood at the console with the Doctor.

"Nonsense, I'm only fulfilling Jack's fondest wish. Now are you gonna play along or are you gonna stand in the background and grumble?"

Rose sighed but she agreed to go along with it in case he went to far and he had to rescue him from Jack.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

(Torchwood Hub, 2006…)

"Okay," Jack said as he sat on one of the chairs inside the Hub. "Let's get down to business here."

His four teammates were sitting around him, sipping tea and coffee while Jack relaxed and looked over the morning report. Jack picked up a mug of coffee and sipped it before speaking.

"Now, according to Andy, there are reports of more weevil sightings. Mainly in Hyde Park but also around Covent Garden and Piccadilly Circus. Seems the weevil population is becoming active for some reason."

"Maybe it's mating season," Owen said with a shrug.

"I hope not. I don't fancy pulling the weevils apart while they're shaggin' each other," Gwen said.

Jack was about to say something when he heard the wheezing sound of the TARDIS. Everyone turned their heads and watched while it materialized.

"Ah ha! The perfect man for the weevil problem!" Jack said, pointing to the TARDIS. "If he's here, that must mean there's something sinister happening with the weevils!"

The TARDIS door opened and the Doctor strolled out and walked over to Jack.

"Doctor, the weevils are coming out en masse and we need to find out why and…"

He shut up when the Doctor came up behind his chair and began to massage his shoulder muscles while Rose watched from the TARDIS door.

"Wow, you sure are tense, must be from worrying about the weevils. Go on with your report though, don't let me stop you," the Doctor said.

"Um…okay," Jack said, a bit nonplussed and thrown off by the sudden deep tissue massage. "You're not here about the weevils then?"

"No, I'm here to make sure you're relaxed and ready for a fresh start at a new day," the Doctor said.

"Okay…um…well, we've discussed mating as one possibility for the appearance of so many weevils. Perhaps finding food? Their food supply is low and…damn, that feels good," Jack said as the Doctor continued his massage. "Let me guess, you were taught by an expert masseuse."

"Of course," the Doctor said, kneading his muscles.

"So…we need to go out and investigate and…damn, that feels so good."

"Yeah, you said that," Ianto said.

"I know but…damn…you need to do this as a sideline to time traveling," Jack said to the Doctor. "One of the best massages I ever had in my life."

"I try," the Doctor said as he kneaded the muscles.

Gwen looked at Rose who was still standing in the TARDIS doorway.

"You wanna sit down? Tea?" she said to Rose.

Rose shrugged and nodded. She walked towards Gwen, glancing at Jack who by now had abandoned his report to enjoy the massage.

"Earth to Jack," Tosh said when he began to relax and close his eyes. "Yoo-hoo! Weevils?"

"Screw the weevils," Jack murmured as he relaxed. "Get Andy to take care of them or Rhys or that bitchy lady who…"

He trailed off and fell silent while the Doctor continued his massage. Gwen glanced at Rose and stood up from her chair.

"Come on, might as well make tea for you since Jack is now going into a deep slumber," she said to Rose as she led her towards the kitchen.

Owen sighed angrily when Jack's mouth dropped open and he moaned.

"Hey! Hello, mate! We're still here!" Owen said, clicking his fingers.

"Yeah," Jack murmured as he leaned his head back. "Go and…do something with the weevils, I'll be right behind ya…oh yeah, deeper, Doctor, deeper…deep…tissue…massage."

"Happy?" the Doctor said to Jack while he massaged his shoulders.

"Very…" Jack murmured, his head tilted back and his eyes closed.

Jack frowned when the Doctor let up on the massage and started playing with his hair.

"What are you doing?" Jack asked, opening one eye.

"Arranging your hair follicles into a more pleasing pattern," the Doctor said. "If I have to look at your hair while I give you a massage, I want to look at a hairstyle that pleases me."

"Um…yeah," Jack said, closing his eye.

He raised his eyebrow when the Doctor put his hands on Jack's cheeks.

"What is this? Arranging my cheeks to your liking?" Jack said, his eyes closed.

"Jack, open your eyes. Rose says this whole thing's a practical joke," Gwen said as she and Rose came back into the room.

"What? Practical…"

Jack gasped when the Doctor screamed out, "DANGY PANGY DITCH DESH DOODLE!" into his ear and his eyes snapped open.

"Damn you, Doctor!" Jack said while the Doctor sniggered and patted his head. "For someone who claims to be so ancient and superior, you sure can act like a kid sometimes."

"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes," the Doctor said, shrugging.

"Well that explains why you bounce around and act like you're two then," Jack said, sitting straight up. "So are you here to help us with the weevil problem or are you just being an ass?"

"Well, I mainly came here to be an ass but I suppose since nothing else is going on, I could help you," the Doctor said, rocking back and forth on his heels.

"Well, that's awfully big of you," Jack said.

"Yes, it is awfully big of me, isn't it?" the Doctor agreed. "But enough with tooting my horn…Gwen, where is the kitchen. I feel like a cuppa now."

_So we spent the day trying to help Torchwood with their weevil problem, except PC Andy's report exaggerated the threat. It ended up that people were panicking and telling the police there were more weevils than there were and we only found three of them in the end. They landed up in the cell block at Torchwood and Jack is going to figure out what to do with them and..._

Rose raised her head when she felt the Doctor's hands on her shoulders.

"Tense, so very tense," the Doctor murmured as he kneaded the muscles in her shoulders. "Must eliminate stress…and check to make sure she isn't writing mean things about me in her blog thing."

"I'm not writing things about ya…mean things anyway," Rose said.

"Oh so you're telling your electronic diary about my practical joke. Yet you failed to mention it was brilliant. Typical of your whinging that you neglected to say I was brilliant!"

"You weren't brilliant; you embarrassed me and made yourself look like a fool in front of Jack's team."

The Doctor gave her a peeved look and Rose shrugged.

"Just tellin' ya the truth," she said.

She gasped when the Doctor ran around the sofa, plopped down beside Rose and seized her laptop. Rose sighed angrily when he began to write in her blog.

_I am the Doctor and this is me writing. Rose is a harpy harridan who doesn't like fun. I try to cheer her up with jokes and she whinges about being embarrassed. She'll think embarrassment when she wakes up one morning and my bare bum is inches from her face. That's what I'll do! Strip naked one morning and wait till she wakes and moon her from three inches away and then we'll see who's the unfunny one! I am supreme! People worship and revere me and I rule the universe. And Rose is a prat and a muppet and she has a tooth that's slightly crooked on her lower jaw. The End._

"Feel better now, big baby?" Rose said, reading what he wrote after the Doctor leapt up and sauntered towards the living room door.

"One day, Tyler, you will wake up to my big lilly white bum wriggling in your face so be prepared!"

"Yeah, yeah, go massage a cactus and be quiet," Rose muttered as she hit backspace and erased the Doctor's entry.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty Three

_This isn't Rose writing, it's me, yours truly, the Doctor. I have "borrowed" Rose's laptop from her room and hacked into her blog account so I can have a bit of fun since meany mouth Rose writes bad things about me. So I will leave her something she's sure to see and have a laugh afterwards._

_Where shall I begin? Shall I begin as David Copperfield did with my birth or shall I just let out a stream of naughty language that would make Chavzilla turn red with embarrassment? Perhaps I will do both and make a song of it. Here goes…_

_Arse, bloody, bollocks, cunt, Rose is such a little runt. Whinge, wanker, dooky doo, I'm so much better than Rose plus two. Chav, prat, boffin boo, Scooby Dooby Dooby Doo!_

_There! I have created a song from my brilliant little mind. I amaze even myself sometimes. And now for my life story…_

_I was loomed in a loom in a building on Gallifrey. I grew up and became supreme and one day I met this waif called Rose who was working a minimum wage job in a stupid department store while she dreamed about meeting someone such as myself. I took pity on the poor boob and asked her to join me because I couldn't stand to see her sorrowful, pity me world, expression. She joined me and I began to mold her into my disciple, a willing acolyte who would bow down and worship me in every way. And she has become such. I am the sun, moon, stars and asteroids to her and she knows it. The End._

_Wow, that was very concise but to tell a tale about my life history would require more memory space than this cheap little laptop has so I kept it to the basic facts. But Rose knows I am the biggest thing since sliced bread and we'll leave it at that._

_Now, what else should I do? Should I post complicated algorithms for her to solve? Shall I wax poetic about the universe or should I use more naughty words. _

_Naughty words it is then…_

_Boobs, tits, tee-tas, jugs, headlights, melons, gazungas, bazoombas. _

_Hmm, seem to be stuck on breasts there but that's because I enjoy looking at Rose's. They fill me with glee. But carrying on with the naughty words…_

_Arsehole, fanny, vagina, cunt, snatch, beaver, penis, dick, womb broom, stiffy…_

_Eh, this is getting boring. I think I'll make up another song…_

_I am the Doctor and you are Rose.  
You have a large and ungainly nose.  
You lie in bed and snore all day.  
The noise you make scares Daleks away.  
You fart until the room just stinks.  
If you meet a Weeping Angel, please don't blink._

_There! Wasn't that brilliant! Rose will have so much fun reading all this, I'm sure! Especially since it comes from me! Hmmm, what else can I do to entertain her? Oh, I know! I will attempt another snippet of naughty, porn fanfiction. Haven't done that in awhile. Here goes…_

_Rose opened her bedroom door and noticed it was unusually dark inside. The lights from the roundels had all been extinguished and she couldn't even see her hand in front of her ape face. But there was something inside the room. She could hear heavy, seductive breathing of the sort that you usually find in porn films and books and audio files and what have you. Anyway, Rose called out to the heavy breather and a silky, seductive voice answered her._

_"Come to me, fly. For I am spider", little ole me said to her in a husky voice that is usually heard in those porn films and such. _

_Rose, being Rose, couldn't resist my magnificent voice so she ripped off her clothes, pounced onto my erect penis and had a go. And we made love all night long as usually depicted in porn films and books and audio files and the like._

_The End._

_Wow, this whole typing things into a blog is very boring when you really don't have much to say. Course I would never waste my time on such a trivial thing as a blog but Rose is from the lower order of species and they like things like this. Still, I suppose it's fine for writing down things you might want to read later…except why would you want to go back and read about things you've already done? Isn't that what memories are for? Not to mention I don't appreciate Rose writing mean things about me and making me look bad. I don't whinge about her night and day to the TARDIS and have the TARDIS repeat what I said back to her so why does she malign me here? What is her problem? I have given her room and board and my body on occasion and yet, I am the bad guy in her little bloggy thing. Why, I ask you, why? Why am I the villain? Why am I always at fault? Why is Rose so ungrateful? Why? _

_I consider myself warm and cuddly with just a dash of mystery thrown in. I certainly don't consider myself to be the son of a bitch that Rose thinks I am. I have given everything to her and she doesn't appreciate one tiddle of my generosity. I AM GIVING, DAMN IT! WHY CAN'T ROSE SEE THIS? WHY CAN'T ROSE SEE WHAT A COOL CHAPPIE I AM? WHY? _

_Only joking, Rose. Just writing things to be writing things but I know these blogs are used for ranting so that's what the above entry was. My rant on why you don't fall to your knees and stare at me in awe. Tee hee. I am worthy of awe-filled worship, you know. I am of the higher species and you of the lower which is why I must save your planet eighty bajillion times over. Your planet would have been a pile of ash by now if it wasn't for little ole me. _

_But anyway, I'm bored now and slightly hungry so I'll leave off here and put the laptop back and go find something to eat. I hope you won't take offense to this, Rose. I thought you might enjoy reading someone else's entry besides your own. And please remember to keep your room tidy and not be a slob, otherwise I might have to use a mind scrambler on you to teach you a lesson!_

_Only joking. Tee hee. You know me, always the jokester. Well, not sure how to end this properly so let me know when you find this message and let me know what you think. Ta ta!_

XOXOXOXOXOXO

(One day later…)

The Doctor stood at his console whistling cheerfully when Rose suddenly walked into the room. The Doctor tilted his head and smiled at her as Rose came up to him. Suddenly, Rose dashed to his backside and the Doctor grunted when she gave him a swift kick in the butt.

"I found your entry and I just let you know what I thought of it," she said before walking away.

"A simple I hated what you wrote would have sufficed, Rose," the Doctor said angrily, rubbing his aching butt and glaring at Rose who was leaving the room and heading back to her bedroom.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty Four

_I love the Doctor dearly but sometimes I want to kick him up the backside. You see, the Doctor loves when I act all naive and get things wrong and look like a fool. And then on top of it, he takes advantage of my cluelessness and has a laugh at my expense. _

_Earlier this morning, I went to the warddrobe room to see if they had any interesting clothes since I was a bit bored with the ones I owned. I was looking through the clothes and found this white t-shirt with black trim on the sleeves and the collar. On the front was some of that circular writing that I've seen on the Doctor's monitor, the sort of thing he never translates for me. But I thought the whole circular writing was cool so I decided to wear it for the day._

_I shoulda known something was amiss when I went into the console room to ask the Doctor what we were doing for the day. The Doctor saw my t-shirt and stared long and hard at it for a moment before he smiled at me. _

"_So...you want to go somewhere, eh?" he said to me._

"_Yes, I'm bored and i'm dying to go somewhere new," I said. _

_Now I could see the Doctor was trying to hide a grin but I figured it was because he thought of somewhere brilliant to go and wasn't trying to show his excitement. He does that sometimes. Acts all casual about going somewhere exciting when inside, he's just dying to show it to me. Little did I know..._

The Tardis stopped and the Doctor gestured towards the door.

"Here ya go, enjoy," he said to her.

"You're not going first?"

"No, have a go at it, i'll follow behind ya."

Rose shrugged and walked to the door. She opened it and stepped out into...

"A morgue?" Rose said, looking around at the dead bodies lying covered on metal tables. "Why did you bring me to a morgue?" she said when the Doctor stepped out behind her and shut the door.

"I wanted you to have a go," he said.

"Have a go at what?" Rose said.

"The dead bodies."

Rose made a face as the Doctor leaned against the closed TARDIS door and folded his arms over his chest.

"You seriously believe I'm gonna shag corpses?" she said to him.

"Rose, do you know what the Gallifreyan writing says on your t-shirt?"

Rose shifted uneasily and shook her head. The Doctor smirked.

"It says I'm a necrophiliac," he said smugly.

"It does not," Rose said when the Doctor sniggered.

"Well...that's a very rough translation, mind. But yeah, you're telling everyone who can read it that you fancy bonking the dead. So here we are, Rose. Your pleasure paradise. Enjoy!"

"Doctor..." Rose said.

She trailed off and reddened when the Doctor sniggered.

"In future, it would probably be helpful to ask me for a translation of anything Gallifreyan you wish to wear," he said.

"Well, why do you even have something that says I'm a necrophiliac on it?" Rose retorted.

"Don't know. Although, i suspect the TARDIS put it there for this very purpose. She has a weird sense of humor. She probably was hoping someone would find that and put it on without thinking about what it might say. And lo and behold, you did! She probably got a huge giggle out of it as well."

_Needless to say, i was mortified. I don't know for sure if the t-shirt really said that but I've learned my lesson. Ask before you wear something, especially something Gallifreyan._

"Good advice."

Rose started when she heard the Doctor say that and looked over her shoulder. The Doctor was standing behind the sofa, peering over her shoulder and reading what she was writing.

"Just checking to see if you wrote any more meany mean things about me," he said.

He opened his jacket and Rose stared at white t-shirt under it with more Gallifreyan writing on it.

"Asked the TARDIS to make this for me. It says, I love women who are into necrophilia. Now you can wear your t-shirt and we'll match each other."

"Oh, piss off, Doctor!"

The Doctor patted her head.

"No meany mean things about me in that blog of yours," he said over his shoulder as he walked off. "I'll be watching."

"Yeah, yeah," Rose said, rolling her eyes as she turned her attention back to her laptop.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty Five

_I was talking about how the Doctor loves a prank in my other post. It's true. The man tries to get me to fall for whatever tall tale and story pops into his head. I'm not talking about when he talked about meeting so-and-so somewhere or he invented this or that. I'm talking about when we're alone and he tries to make me believe he's done something to see if I'm the git that buys it hook, line and sinker._

_Another case in point…last night I was exploring the TARDIS and found an old Nintendo game system in one of the cupboards along with a box full of games. I hadn't played Nintendo in ages and took everything to the lounge and hooked it up to the telly. I was busy playing Super Mario Brothers when the Git walked in…_

"Rose? Is that you?"

Rose paused her game and looked at the Doctor when he came into the room. His eyes were bulging and he looked a bit confused.

"Doctor? What's wrong?"

"I need help!" he said, stumbling over to her.

"What's wrong?" Rose said, panicked.

"I did something I shouldn't. My curiosity got the better of me and I took LSD."

"What?" Rose said. "You took LSD?"

"Oh my God, there's an echo in here and she's feminine," the Doctor said, looking around.

He started walking around in a circle and then began to giggle insanely as he walked around and around, faster and faster.

"The room is spinning!" he said in a high-pitched voice. "It's just like a funfair ride!"

"Doctor," Rose said, leaping up and stopping him. "Doctor, how much LSD did you take?"

The Doctor didn't answer. He stared at Rose in wonder.

"Rose, your lips are moving right off your face while you're talking," he said. "They're over here now," he said, pointing to the air beside her face. "How are you doing that?"

"Doctor, how much LSD did you take?"

"Enough to make your lips move off your face apparently," the Doctor said, staring at the air beside her face with wide eyes. "How do you make the lips talk when they're over here. Is it a telepathic connection?"

"Doctor, my lips are still on my face. You're high," Rose said.

The Doctor paused, his eyes bulging.

"Hey, I can hear mice," he said, looking around. "They're squeaking and stamping around. Do we even have mice in here?"

"Doctor, how much LSD did you take?" Rose said impatiently as she tugged at his arm.

The Doctor turned his attention back to her and staggered back.

"Now your eyes have joined your lips," he said, pointing to the air. "It's like that time your face was sucked off your body, except your nose is still there. Freaky!"

"Doctor, just sit down and wait till the LSD wears off," Rose said as she tugged on his arm.

She sat down but the Doctor continued to stare at the air.

"Wow, now your lips and mouth are still here but you're sitting on the sofa. Freaky deaky," he said.

Rose gave up and decided to go back to her video game since he didn't seem to be in danger of dying. She resumed her game and relaxed but she nearly jumped out of her skin when the Doctor shrieked. She looked over her shoulder. The Doctor was now cowering behind a nearby chair.

"Mario is chasing me!" he said, pointing a qavering finger at the TV. "He's taunting me with that bloop bloop music and ding ding sounds he's making."

"Doctor, he's not chasing you, just calm down," Rose said over her shoulder.

"Bloop bloop bloopidy bloop, that music is tormenting me and driving me insane. And your eyes and mouth are flying around me now," the Doctor said fearfully. "How are you doing that? I had no idea your body parts could operate independently of your face."

"It's all in your mind, love," Rose said, her eyes on the telly while she played her game.

"All in my mind? I'm imagining all this then?"

"Yup," Rose said without looking back at him.

She played her game and the room fell silent except for the electronic music and sound effects. The Doctor didn't say anything more and Rose thought he calmed down. Then suddenly, the Doctor walked in front of her and her eyes bulged. Now the Doctor was dressed in nothing except white y-fronts. He was slowly walking around, looking at the room in amazement. He stopped between Rose and telly with his backside to her. Rose made a face when he started scratching his bum and then suddenly put his hand down his undies for a closer scratch.

"Doctor, would you please go somewhere else and do that?" Rose said, averting her eyes while his hand was inside the underwear mine searching for gold.

"Hm?" the Doctor said, turning around with his hand still down his undies. "Did you say something?" he said as he resume scratching.

"Go somewhere and scratch your bum, please? That's disgusting."

The Doctor froze.

"My hand's down my smalls?" he said to her.

Rose nodded.

He jerked his hand out and stared at it. He inspected his hand and then slowly brought his fingertips to his nose. Rose made a face when he sniffed his fingertips. She made a face when he opened his mouth and his tongue slowly snaked out towards his fingers. Tiring of him, she threw the game controller on the sofa and with an exasperated sigh, got up. She walked towards the door, intending to leave but she froze when she heard the Doctor giggling behind her. Shaking her head, she resumed her exasperated walk to the door and then suddenly, she felt the Doctor grab her from behind.

"Wait, it was a joke," he said to her.

Rose looked at him and noticed the bemused look on his face.

"You're far too easy to fool," he said.

"You arse!" Rose said while the Doctor chuckled. "Oooh, one of these days, Doctor. I'm gonna get you back!"

"You say that but I've yet to see it happen," the Doctor said, holding her close. "But it was fun watching you react to my LSD freakout."

Rose looked down at the fingers that had been down his bum and made a face.

"Um…could you go clean your hands, please?" she said, pointing to the fingers.

"Ah yes, sorry," the Doctor said, dropping his hands to his sides. "I will do just that. Go back to playing Mario…where did you find that anyway? I forget I had a Nintendo. Wonder what else I have in here then? I'll have to catalogue my stuff someday but for the moment…I shall leave you in peace."

_So that's it, the day the Doctor had an acid trip. Actually, I'm scared to find out what would happen if he really did take acid. I'm thinking the universe would be in serious trouble because the boy would be running amok after that._

"There you go again, writing meany mean things about me."

Rose sighed when she realized that the Doctor had snuck up behind the sofa again and was reading over her shoulder. Pointedly, she began to type again, knowing full well he was reading what she was writing.

_One other thing, the Doctor has an extremely small penis. He had absolutely no bulge in his smalls when he was parading around and scratching his arse like a baboon. No wonder he picks women up and takes them around the universe. He desperately needs to make an erection so he can find out if his stiffie works or not. But I'm sure even if he did, he wouldn't notice since a mosquito's penis is jumbo compared to his shriveled up raisin. _

She grinned when she heard a whoomp the moment the Doctor plounced down beside her on the sofa. She allowed him to swipe the laptop and put it on his lap. She leaned in while he wrote under her entry.

_Rose is jealous of what I have. She wishes she had it night and day but she has to put up with Mickey's pathetic excuse for a willy. Course that's why she rushed into my arms the moment I offered the universe to her. I would too after seeing the gnat sized John Thomas her boyfriend had. Course that would probably suit Rose since I'm sure the vaginal area on her person is just as miniscule. Her little chav fanny wouldn't satisfy…_

Rose looked at him when he paused in his typing to think.

"Wouldn't satisfy what, Doctor?" she said.

"Thinking," the Doctor said. "Ah…" he said and resumed typing while Rose watched.

_Well, it wouldn't satisfy a nano-atom quark molecule thing that was incredibly horny and needed some. And woe to the person who has a normal sized penis because they'd have to cram it up inside there with a prybar. _

"Finished?" Rose said sweetly when the Doctor paused for thought.

_No, I'm not finished,_ he typed_. I am thinking which is more than your ape brain can do. In fact, if it thinks for more than once per day, it'll explode from overuse. Okay, here's a nugget of wisdom for you. I have better hair than Mickey boy. My hair could win awards while your boyfriends hair could win…boos. Yes, see what I did there. I'm brilliant and you stand in awe of that, Rose Tyler. So quick saying meany mean things about me or I'll put poo on my fingers and smash them into your little ape face! The Oncoming Storm has spoken!_

"Finished?" Rose said when the Doctor put the laptop back on the coffee table.

"Heed my words," the Doctor said, sticking his finger in her face. "I know how to hack into your blog and the moment you say mean things about me, you get poo up your nose."

"What was that then?" Rose said, pointing to his entry. "My vagina's so small, you need a prybar to get into it? Isn't that meany mean?"

"I was defending myself and venting my anger in a constructive manner. It saves me putting my fist in your face," the Doctor said haughtily.

"Piss off, Doctor."

"Just remember, I will be watching you and your blog entries!" the Doctor said, wagging his finger in her face.

"Yeah, go scratch your bum a bit more, Git Master," Rose muttered when the Doctor stood up and strode towards the lounge door.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty Six

_Yet again, another example of Doctor weirdness. I suppose after I found the Nintendo and the Doctor learned about it, he went on a hunt of his own through his cupboards. What he found…well…_

Rose was sitting on the sofa, flipping through the TV channels, trying to find something to watch. Suddenly, something lumbered into the room and Rose gasped when she saw someone wearing a Disneyland Eeyore costume.

"Howdy!" the Doctor said in a muffled voice as he waved at her with his pink and blue paw. "I went on an exploration into my cupboards and guess what I found? A vintage Disneyland Eeyore costume from the 1950's. I forgot I had it. I pinched it from the wardrobe room at Disney as a souvenir. Do you like it?"

Rose stared at him, at a loss for words.

"Mind you, it's stiflingly hot inside here," the Doctor said. "And quite heavy, you'd be surprised. But after you found the Nintendo, I decided to do a search of my own and lo and behold…"

Rose stared at him as he lumbered over to the sofa and sat down.

"Hard to sit in this thing," he said to her. "Did I mention the heat inside this thing?"

Rose suddenly burst out laughing.

"What's wrong?" the Doctor asked, turning his body slightly as he tried to look at her through the eye slits in the head of the costume.

"You look ridiculous," Rose said, patting his arm. "I mean, I thought you couldn't get any stranger and here you are, dressed as Eeyore."

"Yes, I suppose it does look strange," the Doctor said. "It's very bulky as well. I can barely sit."

"Yes, you said that already and the heat as well," Rose said.

"How can humans tolerate wearing things like this in the California heat? They must be daft…or well paid," he said. "Ah well…"

Rose glanced at him when the Doctor tried to relax inside the costume and watch TV. After five minutes of sitting beside Eeyore, Rose giggled again at the bizarreness of it all.

"You know, this could be nice and comfy on cold winter nights if it wasn't so bulky," the Doctor finally said.

"Mm," Rose said, trying not to laugh again.

"No wonder Eeyore is so gloomy if he has to walk around with all this girth," the Doctor said.

"No, I think he's gloomy because he has a nail up his bum," Rose said.

"Beg pardon?" the Doctor said, trying to shift his body to look at her.

"The nail. Christopher Robin nailed his tail onto his body when Eeyore lost it," Rose said.

"Oh yeah," the Doctor said. "Yes, I suppose that could make one cross."

"Yeah, that could," Rose said, trying not to laugh.

She bit her lip while she sat beside Eeyore and watched Ripper Street with him.

"You know, Eeyore can't do much with these paws," the Doctor said, holding his arms up. "No fingers, you see."

"Yup, that would be a problem," Rose said.

"I suppose that's a good thing. With all the gloom and depression that surrounds him, Eeyore could snap one day and start killing everyone in the Hundred Acre Woods."

Rose's eyes bulged and she shook with silent laughter at that.

"You think too much sometimes, you know that?" she said to him.

"I'm aware of that," the Doctor said with a clumsy nod of his fake head.

"Then again, I suppose no one except Christopher Robin could murder anyone in the Hundred Acre Woods," Rose said, eager to see what the Doctor said next.

There was silence for a moment and Rose thought with a twinge of disappointment that he wasn't going to respond.

"Rabbit has fingers," he finally said. "He could wield a knife or gun…and he's always grouchy because people are getting into his garden so that could be a motive if he ever turned serial killer."

Rose shook with silent laughter at that.

"Although…"

Rose gasped when the Doctor bopped her on the head with his Eeyore paw.

"Did that hurt?" he asked as he put the arm back at his side.

"Um…not really, it surprised me more than anything else," Rose said.

"If I continued to bash you on the head with my plushy paw, would you eventually succumb though?" the Doctor said, again turning his body to look at her.

Rose giggled, unable to answer that. The Doctor chuckled.

"Yeah, I suppose it would take ages to kill someone with this big lumpy paw," the Doctor said, holding his hand up to eye level. "That's why Eeyore's never had a psychotic break and killed everyone. He really can't. Can't hold objects, can't hit people. He just sits there with a nail up his bum."

Rose chortled at that and the Doctor clumsily patted her head.

"Well," he said, getting up. "I suppose I'll put this back before it gets manky and smelly inside here. Just thought it might interest you to know I have this."

"Yes, it is interesting," Rose said. "And if the Daleks ever attack us, you could put that on and confuse the hell outta them."

The Doctor stood there for a moment, considering that.

"That could work," he said while Rose chortled. "Although, they might just shoot me since I'm not a Dalek. But there might be a second or two of confusion. Good thinking, Tyler. Well, off to the cupboard, enjoy your program.

"Bye, Doctor," Rose said.

She watched as the Doctor lumbered off towards the doorway. He took several steps and then turned to look at her.

"You can't even walk properly in this thing. You just sort of waddle. How humans made it through the day wearing this thing without falling on their face and collapsing from the heat…it just shows once again that you lot are resilient. Anyway, cheers!"

_So that was the highlight of my day so far. The Doctor sitting on the sofa while wearing a bleedin' Eeyore costume. I'm sorta waiting for him to appear as Winnie the Pooh next or even Mickey. I was thinking that if my mum knew everything that went on during my travels with the Doctor, she'd probably have us both sectioned. But I will say this, it's never dull around here. _


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty Seven

The Doctor stood at his console, staring at his monitor. He knew Rose was at this very moment in the lounge, entering another thing in her blog.

"Meany mean Rose, writing bad things about me," he muttered. "Well, we'll see about that. TARDIS, patch into her computer and show me what she's writing," he said, pointing to his monitor.

There was a moment of silence and then his screen was replaced by Rose's computer screen. The Doctor leaned in to read what she was writing.

"We tasted this exotic alien fruit," he muttered while he read what she was currently typing. "It was delicious, like strawberries. I had to have six of them."

The Doctor chuckled as he pulled a keyboard out from under the monitor.

That's because you're a big fat cow, he typed into her blog entry.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Rose paused and stared at her screen. She was writing and suddenly, "That's because you're a big fat cow," appeared directly after what she wrote. She leaned up and looked over her shoulder but the Doctor was nowhere in sight.

"Doctor?" she called out. "That better not be you!"

She backspaced over the foreign entry and deleted it before she continued writing.

After that, we went on a moonlit stroll through some trees that were lit by fireflies.

Which incidentally, have a bigger vagina than you do and probably don't need a prybar for access.

Rose blinked in shock when the above statement suddenly appeared after her entry. She growled and looked around the room.

"Doctor, wherever the hell you're hiding, show yourself!" she growled.

There was no response and Rose got up and began to look for him herself. Unbeknownst to her, the TARDIS was showing the Doctor in the console room a holographic image of what she was doing so he could react accordingly. So when Rose finally looked at her monitor again, she froze when she saw…

My name is not the Doctor, I am Basil.

"Yeah, sure you are, Doctor," Rose muttered to herself. "Doctor, show yourself before I pull you in here and beat you senseless.

My name is Basil.

Rose paused when she saw that being written on her monitor.

"Okay…Basil, who are ya when you're at home?" she said aloud.

I am a spirit trapped within the TARDIS.

"Sure you are. Doctor! Show yourself!" Rose screamed.

She shut up when a holographic image appeared in front of her face. She saw the Doctor sitting on the jump seat in his console room, casually reading a magazine and relaxing.

"Oh yeah, we'll see about that!" Rose said before leaving the room.

The Doctor quickly shut off his monitor and hurried to the jump seat when the TARDIS showed Rose leaving the room. The TARDIS had sent her a false image of the Doctor reading a magazine at his request but when it didn't work, his ship gave him a real magazine to read and he picked it up and assumed the same relaxed position he had in the false holographic image. So by the time Rose entered the room, he was relaxing and reading his magazine. She stood there, staring at him while he calmly turned the page in his magazine. She turned and walked out of the room while the Doctor sniggered to himself. Once she was gone, he threw the magazine aside and quickly typed something into her blog before Rose got back to the lounge.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

When Rose got back to her laptop, she paused when she noticed something else had been written into her blog.

Are you there? I need help! This is Basil, where am I?"

"Okay, I'll play this game," Rose muttered as she sat down in front of her laptop. "Okay, Basil, what's wrong?"

I was trying to connect to the Wifi and I clicked on this weird group of symbols and now I don't know where I am. Help me!

Rose sighed.

"You're in the console room, Doctor," she said.

I'm where? What's the console room? Please help me; I don't know where I am!

"You're in Narnia, Basil. Go towards the lamppost," Rose said. "Find Mister Tumnus."

Listen, you slag, I'm not joking here! I really am lost!

"And I'm bored and want my blog back. I was typing before you interrupted me."

I need your help, you fat cow!

"Oh? Well, I don't respond to slag or fat cow when people ask me for help," Rose said mildly.

I'm sorry, I really am. I'm under a lot of stress here.

"Well, I expect a bit more politeness when you ask me for help," Rose said.

Please help me; I don't know where I am. But I know for sure it's not Narnia.

Rose rolled her eyes. She got up and left the room again. When she entered the console room, the Doctor was sitting on the jump seat, still reading the magazine. This time, Rose walked over to him. The Doctor looked up and smiled warmly at her. Rose stood in front of him and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Something the matter?" the Doctor said.

"Yeah…Basil…something's the matter," she said.

"Basil, why are you calling me that?" the Doctor said, frowning.

"Because you hacked into my blog account again and you're typing stupid things into it."

"Not me, I'm reading a magazine. I had no idea you were doing that. But you better not be saying meany mean things about me again."

"Leave me and my blog alone, that's my first and final warning."

"I'm not harassing you and your blog, Tyler. I'm reading a magazine and relaxing. The universe doesn't revolve around you, you know!" the Doctor said angrily.

"Then who is Basil?"

"Um…Basil Brush, that Basil?"

"No, some bloke called Basil who is supposedly trapped inside my computer or something like that. He called me a slag and a fat cow because I told him to go to Narnia and ask Mister Tumnus for help."

"Well…you have to admit that was a bit rude to say to the poor chap. What if he really is trapped?"

"Come off it, he's you," Rose said. "I'm not that thick."

"How could I see you? I'm up here and you're back there!"

"You can see me, I'm sure the TARDIS has CCTV in here," Rose said.

"I would never do that. I trust my companions implicitly. Unless you've been nicking things, have you been nicking things around here?"

"No."

"Well, then, I have no need of CCTV then," the Doctor said. "You're awfully paranoid, Rose. You need to relax."

"Uh-huh, you better not let me catch you hacking into my blog, got that? Because if I find you doing it, you're gonna be sorry!"

The Doctor smirked when Rose turned and left the room again.

"Ooo, yeah, I'm sooooo scared, Tyler," he said as he picked up his magazine and found the last article he was reading.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty Eight

_Okay, a bit more to report on the Doctor's weirdness and weird sense of humor. I swear the man keeps trying to make me laugh or throw me off my guard or make me question his sanity. It must be the tactic he uses against his enemies or something. _

_Anyway, I was in the lounge again, minding my own business when the Doctor comes into the room with this confused look on his face…_

Rose looked at the Doctor when he wandered into the room. She'd been reading a magazine while she lay on the sofa. She was about to say hello when he wandered over to her side.

"Should I have the butter?" he asked her.

"I'm sorry?" Rose said.

"Should I have the butter?"

"Um…I don't know," Rose said.

"I should have the butter, except I don't want the butter. But maybe I do want the butter. So…should I have the butter?" he babbled as he looked down at her.

Rose stared at him, not sure how to answer that.

"Have the butter, Doctor," she finally said.

"Should I?"

Rose stared at him while the Doctor stared back with wide eyes. For a moment, Rose was scared that he'd finally gone off his trolley. She was about to say something when he suddenly walked away, muttering to himself about having the butter. He then walked around in a small circle, muttering about should he have the butter while Rose sat up and stared at him.

"Doctor," Rose finally said.

"Hm?" the Doctor said, stopping and giving her an expectant look.

"What's going on?" she said.

"Should I have the butter?" he said.

"I don't know, what do you want to do with the butter?" Rose said.

The Doctor stared at her for a moment.

"Butties," he finally said.

"What about them?" Rose said.

"I want a buttie but should I have butter with my buttie?"

"Um…I would," Rose said.

"Really? Because what if the cholesterol causes my hearts to clog up and explode?"

"Then…don't have a buttie," Rose said.

"But I want one but I don't know if I should have butter with the buttie so should I have butter?"

Rose suddenly burst out laughing at the absurdity of the conversation.

"What's so funny? This is crucial to my health, you know," the Doctor said.

"Have a buttie but leave the butter out of it," Rose said.

"But it's a chip buttie and I like butter with me buttie. Should I have the butter?"

"Doctor, chips cause cholesterol and clog your heart so what does it matter if you have butter with your buttie if it's chips," Rose said.

The Doctor stared at her with wide eyes.

"I'm not sure I follow," he finally said.

Rose growled with exasperation and giving up, flopped back onto the sofa. She picked up her magazine and tried to read it but the Doctor wandered over and bent over to look at her.

"I'm not sure I follow," he repeated.

"Doctor, don't eat things that cause cholesterol if you're worried about your health," she said, laying the magazine down on her lap as she looked up at him.

"But I want a buttie," the Doctor said.

"Then leave the butter out of it," Rose said.

"But I like butter on me buttie."

"Doctor, you're irritating me and making me want to punch you in the face."

"I'm only asking your opinion. I value your opinion greatly."

"I told you my opinion but you keep insisting that you need your buttie and your butter so go eat one!" Rose said.

"Can I get your valued opinion on another matter?" the Doctor said.

"Will you listen to me if I give it?"

"Depends on the nature of your advice. If you tell me to use a flamethrower on the pimple on me bum, I won't do it."

Rose was in shock for a few seconds.

"Huh?" she said, not sure she heard him correctly.

"I have a pimple on me bum. How do I remedy that?"

Rose made a face at that. To her horror, the Doctor started to undo his trousers.

"I'll show you what it looks like so you can give me your opinion," he said as he unzipped his fly.

"Doctor, no, I don't want to see the pimple on your arse!" Rose said.

"Then how do I remedy it?" he said. "I don't want to sit down and have it burst like a blister and infect me from the burst pimple and I die from a bum infection."

Rose was just at a loss for words for that. The Doctor finished zipping up his trousers and waited for her say something.

"Doctor, just…go," Rose said, pointing to the door.

"I'm afraid to sit down and I'm afraid to eat butter. I helped you escape from all sorts of evil things; surely you can assist me with these matters."

"Okay," Rose said, holding up her hands. "I'll go find a huge hatpin and pop the pimple and get some of that fake butter stuff and make you a non-butter, butter buttie. Will this solve everything to your liking?"

"Well, there is the toilet. It's running over and I need someone to remedy that. How are you at plumbing?"

Rose gave him a withering look. The Doctor snickered and gave her a hug.

"Just taking the mickey from ya, Rose. Bored and needed a laugh. I'll leave you alone before I drive you barking mad now. Cheers, my bestest mate."

_Yes, that was another sample of the mad, mad world the Doctor inhabits and his idea of amusement. However, I have to say that sometimes the things he does rubs off on me and I end up using them myself. A few days later, we were home visiting Mum and…_

Jackie was sitting in her chair sipping tea while the Doctor sat on the sofa, doing the same. Rose was puttering about in the kitchen but suddenly she came outside and walked over to her mother, a confused look on her face.

"Mum?" she said, walking over to Jackie.

"Yeah?" Jackie said.

"Should I have the butter?"

The Doctor was drinking his tea and nearly choked on it when he heard that. He lowered his cup and bit his lip when he saw the confusion on Jackie's face. He glanced up and noticed Rose was giving her the same wide-eyed look he'd used on her.

"Should you have the butter?" Jackie said to Rose. "For what?"

"I want a buttie but I'm afraid to use the butter because it might clog my heart and make it explode. But I love butter on me buttie so should I have the butter?"

The Doctor put his hand over his mouth at the completely perplexed look on Jackie's face.

"I don't know, do I? Just go and have a buttie," Jackie said.

"But I don't want my heart to explode. But I love butter so should I have the butter?"

Jackie stared at her daughter in disbelief while the Doctor sat his cup down on the saucer sitting on the table beside him and stood up, intending to go somewhere where he could laugh at Jackie.

"I swear to God, you are getting more insane with each passing day," Jackie said to her daughter. "You act like him, he'd say something like that butter nonsense."

"Him? Oh no, Mum, he'd never say something like that," Rose said, shaking her head.

"Right, I'm off to the TARDIS. I suddenly have a…pimple on me bum that needs popping. Have fun with the butter and the butties, Rose."

Rose giggled while Ten walked out the door.

"Mad as hatters, the pair of ya," she said, shaking her head while Rose snickered.

_So you see, dear blog readers, sometimes what the Doctor does comes in quite handy for a little giggle of my own. Until next time, ta-ra!_


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty Nine

_Okay, now the Doctor's done it! I was gone half the day visiting mum and while I was away, the Doctor hacked into my blog account and put another stupid post for me to read. I left it intact below because it's too good not to save but at the moment I'm trying to find the Doctor. He's hiding because he knows I'm going to kick his arse when I find him. Anyway, here is what the git left for me..._

Ah, another chance to leave something entertaining for Rose Tyler now that's she's gone to visit Leatherface, otherwise known as Jackie. I'm risking certain death and regeneration by doing this but...eh, I've never been one to back away from certain death. Anyway, for your entertainment, Rosy Posy...the saga of me and the Dalek...

So you might think I'm daft for thinking this but I was sitting around thinking about Daleks and all the things they've tried to do to me and I was trying to come up with new ideas for things they might do to me and I hit upon the idea of being impregnated by a Dalek. You know, kind of like being a Dalek brood mare.

Then I thought about how that might be accomplished since I have no womb. Then I realized…it could be like the Alien film where the face hugger thing rams the ovipositor down the throat and lays the eggs in the stomach. So I imagined being chained to a wall while a Dalek slowly opened up in front of me and suddenly the squid thing leaps out, attaches itself to my face and rams an ovipositor down my throat. I'm left to languish for a few days and hey, presto, a Dalek baby emerges from yours truly.

Then I thought about what that would look like. Imagine it, Rose. A teeny tiny baby Dalek in little battle armor gliding around while it squeaks out exterminate. It's a cute image, yeah? Perhaps I could have the TARDIS make baby Dalek plushies and we could flog them around London when we're there. Then we could make some money for chips! See, I'm such a genius sometimes it scares me.

But that's what I'm thinking of at the moment, my Rose. Now mind you, impregnation by Daleks is pretty horrible but that's nothing compared to the horrors of being gang raped by Yetis. I know you don't know what those are and be thankful for that. It would be a nightmare drowning in all that fur. Yup, I do think up the oddest things when I'm bored and alone.

Well, I suppose I'll go to the toilet and take a shit now so enjoy your blog.

P.S. Don't say anything bad about me in it.

Toodle loo, Kangaroo!

_Needless to say I'm on a full scale hunt for the Doctor at the moment, I only paused to write this down while I catch my breath. I'm sure the TARDIS is hiding the twat somewhere but rest assured I will find him and when I do, I'll ram my fish down his throat and rip out his stomach. That way he won't have to fear being impregnated by Daleks ever again. _


End file.
